Life

not so great things that I'm realizing about myself.

2011-06-10T00:18:00.001-07:00

1. I'm not as ready as I thought I would be to hang out with a ton of kids (either having a ton of kids or being a part of an orphanage). and i'm not as naive as i once was. and i'm not good at receiving. guess that's 3 things.

Been spending numerous hours with the 8-year-old cousin who is cute as can be but has decided that I am his new best friend. i'm even his password to the computer. but whether it's the world's ugliness or just my deepest darkest part of me, i automatically revert to the worst possible scenario where... not even worth mentioning. and then i have to stop myself and wonder why i can't just believe that this is an innocent child that is loving on me unconditionally even when i'm a total brat and i can't receive that. i can't receive his constant declarations of love over me, his constant need to lay on my lap, his constant screams of happiness when he sees me. nope. twisted twisted world has warped my thinking. ugh, disgusting... and yet not too far from reality today. i read somewhere on a "post secret's" thing that scared, disgusted and shocked me into what really goes on: "the day that i found out my cousin had feelings for me was the day i wanted to disappear and never be found". shit happens.

oh and receiving. even at the goodbye parties that were thrown for me, i felt like an outsider. when they were praying for me, i felt like i was praying for someone else. somehow, i'm still unable to fully receive or at least be present? not really sure... all i know is that sometimes tears are enough.

2. i pretty much need to always be #1 in everyone's life. otherwise i get sad. and feel rejected.

like seriously, i really CAN'T be everyone's best friend but i definitely feel like crap when i'm not the #1 or #2 person to know something in their life. whether it's with my mom or someone else that i thought i was "close to", i throw a mini-pity party when i find out something 3 days later than i thought i should have. aiyah.

3. no matter how much i rationalize how i should act, my emotions pretty much usually over-rule it.

case in point: boy ____. i thought, well obviously he is going to have a ton of girls all over him, he's a hot commodity and i definitely don't want to be one of those girls. there's a bajillion fish in the sea and i know God will set me up with whoever I'm supposed to be.
then i get a chance to chat with him for an hour and what happens? i turn the flirt on. yup, that's right, i did the high giggly voice and the laughing at his jokes and the "trying to be myself" which really means making him feel amazing and smart and funny (which he is!!!). aiyah. and really, hanging out with him in close quarters this summer is not really going to be helpful -_-' there will be no other fish in the sea and then it's just going to be my flirty self and there'll be no one to call me out on my bullshit b/c kwan won't be there and the other girls will just judge me (there goes the flirty one) just as i have judged others in the past. GOD help me. help him too haha to not fall for it and to see right through the selfishness of it all.

this is authenticity lol. vulnerability, etc. at its best.

and the truth? i'm friggin excited about China and i can't wait to get settled in. the possibilities, the opportunities, the experiences. it's going to be bomb-diggity.

3 months...

2011-03-06T15:31:00.000-08:00

3 months ago and in 3 months, so much has happened and will happen.

CHINA. just bought my ticket to hong kong, which will lead to a taiwan and me ending ultimately in beijing. i am ready to go, but i have 3 months to go... Lord my heart is already there, I feel. That's where all my day dreams are. I feel like my one year there was so short! Not nearly enough time... I am so excited to work, to live life, to try new things, to get lost in the city, to not be (really) accountable to ANYONE :D groupon?? :)

WORK. so much change in one week, new boss, new managing style, more things to do, more involvement and i LOVE it. i'm sad to leave but it'll be perfect transition time for Kate to get used to a new HR person when she gets back.

PEOPLE. my heart has been enlarged so much this past year, these past 3 months. my heart CARES, aches and worries. i never knew i could care so much for people whom I have known for such a short time. when i pray for these people, my heart readily goes out and SCREAMS when. when will they be satisfied, when will they be truly happy, when will they see that there is more to life than the next shoe that they buy. i see more emptiness in lives the more time i spend with people who do not know that there is more to life. how sheltered i've been, in so many ways. the more i'm exposed to the world and learn more about it, the more sad i feel.

GOD. it is so hard to see you in my workplace, in my day to day. as churchtime lessens, as i spend less time with people who constantly talk about God, my eyes have had to be readjusted this past year and it is still being readjusted. God, how to see you in the everyday, boring routines of life?

time only moves forward.

God brought the image of me as a 4th grade, lying in the sun at my old old house, with shorts and shirt, tanning, reading. 15 years, it's been. and some things never change. lol no wonder beryl and diana thought i was so weird falling asleep in the middle of the apt in shorts and a tshirt reading. really, i've always been like that :)

everything has been very $$-focused lately. not enough me and God time focused. and it's just that with $$ i see results, quickly. with relationships, not so much; with relationship with God, i feel like i've hit a wall. when really i haven't, it's just not like it used to be. but i constantly look backwards instead of forwards. I dwell and sometimes in live in memories.

"Forget the former things; do not dwell in the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now, it springs up; do you not perceive it?"

God, give me eyes to perceive.

May those who hope in you not be disgraced because of me, O Lord, the Lord Almighty; may those who seek You not be put to shame because of me, O God of Israel.

But you promise: 'those who hope in me will not be disappointed' and 'those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength'.

And you tell me: Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way tot the Lord; trust him and he will do this: He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun. Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him; do not fret when men succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes.

So make my righteousness shine like the dawn. I trust you and I will attempt to do good.

Seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Your love is pure. Your love is precious. Your love is all I need.
Your love surrounds me. Your love astounds me. Your love is everything.
I run to you, my heart is weak, I cling to you, You're all I seek.
It's my heart's desire to be close to you, here in your arms, I find my strength.

Everything I want, everything I hope in, everything my heart cries out for.

Christmas '10 ramblings/thoughts on random stuff

2010-12-24T18:58:00.000-08:00

A hopeful week of snowboarding cut short by my first bout of food poisoning. I never thought i would feel that crappy :( Seriously, just lying in bed, trying to discern how my stomach would react to either 1. nothing, 2. gatorade, or 3. water for 8 hours is not how i want to spend my vacation.

On the bright side of things, i watched about 6 hours straight of "What Not to Wear", which the sister-in-law had recommended to my older brother and now he's a total fashionista (ish) :) It was very enlightening though; I've solidified the thought that I am, indeed, a visual learner and seeing all those examples of what to wear vs. what not to wear really helped.

Also, I watched 3 hours of "I can't believe I was Pregnant" (yes, TLC has a lot of interesting shows and I'm so lucky I don't own cable) Very interesting. I will definitely know if I am pregnant though (hopefully).

---

Thoughts on God:
Listened to some good sermons. I think I need to start journaling again. Brandon got me this AWESOME gift of a personalized journal (with my email address on the back in case I lose it, very good foresight from him)AND personalized pens. TWO OF THEM. in case, of course, I lose one :) Besides the fact that the punk NEVER gets me gifts and that made me very giddy, he also wrote something on the cover which inspires me and yet is daunting. it says:

BERNICE LEE
COMPOSING HISTORY

That's scary.

Anyway, journaling has been the best way that I "pray"/commune with the Lord, wtv. mostly because i write whatever comes to my mind, without any editing. haven't done that and/or official devos for all of 2010 and should probably start in 2011. Not that I've been officially backsliding anyway (brandon/his house have decided [ and i agree] that there isn't such thing as backsliding, just deliberately disobeying the lord), no more than usual?

purposefully disobeying, mostly in the praying, no, commanding of sickness to leave. i just can't approach strangers yet; fear of man still grips me and performance mentality is not far behind. still, how long can i hide behind these two excuses/reasons? i can't live the rest of my life like this...

oh another epiphany. i can't use my phone as my bible. i mean, it's really just not the same as having an actual book in front of me where i can flip to random pages... maybe that's why i can't get a kindle :)

-----

Thoughts on future:

Pretty set on going to China in June. don't know how it'll pan out; meeting with Peter Gent in the next couple of weeks to talk further about GlobalGent as well as Daybreak Asia. And i am SO FRIGGIN EXCITED! so much more than haiti lol.

Mom keeps asking me, why do you want to go to China? what calls you there?

that's one of the questions on the application. and i have no idea. i hate the whole "calling" terminology. I have no idea if i'm called to China. I could be equally be called to Africa. I just know I'm NOT called to the U.S. lol.

When pressed to think about it, i think i want to go to China there is a familiarity to it and yet newness to it. I explained it really well to Sarah and she totally got why I was so excited to go but that was a 5 hour car ride up to San Jose from LA and I can't really convey that over text. Anyway, she got it. so it must exist, lol.

-----
Thoughts on family:

Understanding more and more why Mom wanted us to just "hang out", even if we're not doing anything. even brandon is surprising me with the constant questioning of why benson isn't with us hehe. AND i really want to say I told you so but i won't because, all in good time, but brandon is finally understanding the value of relationship. Of course, it's all in context of transforming lives, etc., but at least now he gets why I used to hang out with people all the time. Plus, it's interesting to see him going out ALL the time and me being the one staying at home. Also, i feel old, because i used to think benson was weird/not cool for never going out to hang out with his high school friends when he was here in San Jose.

Love&Respect has been the book of favorite topic these past couple of days. Brandon recommended it to me last Saturday, read through most of it, bought a copy that night for mom to read it and she just finished today. I had so much HOPE for the book, but yet again, i re-learn the fact that I can't put my expectations on her. she totally didn't get any of the stuff that i was hoping to get. i know, maybe my idealistic side was expecting her to write a very respectful email to dad and for him to reply and they don't get divorced.

didn't happen.

and the divorce STILL isn't final... hilarious to me of course :) frustrating for the moms. the papers have gotten lost in the mail hehe.

anyway, even if it's official, i'm still not losing hope. dreamt about him 2 days ago, that i ran into him in china and he said that he's just been on many business trips across china. i saw a commercial about dads on tlc and i totally teared up. the commercial was like... 10 seconds long, if even.

------
Thoughts on boys:

there's something i want to say about someone, but for fear that he may run across this, i am not going to post it. ask me if you're interested hehe :P

on something completely related, i do admire tenacity of men pursuing women.

----

thoughts on writing:

I HATE IT. seriously, bane of my existence. I'm writing something for Felix's memorial book thing and AUGH all the words aren't even coming CLOSE to expressing what i want to express. -_-' annoyed. none of it FLOWS or any crap like that.

----
thoughts on food poisoning:

i am very annoyed how my appetite and stomach has shrunk. good thing i didn't have to eat any crazy christmas feast or i would've been even more bummed. right now, i'm hungry enough to eat one meal a day and the rest of the day i'm like ughhh...

although, i could see how this might be good for weight loss... not that i'm fat, i just sometimes wonder how i could have gained 10 pounds in the past 7 years and have not fluctuated from it.

i'm joining the gym in january. hopefully will get a good deal.

-----
thoughts on christmas shopping:

okay, i hate shopping. but christmas shopping is like shopping x 20 (people) because you have to figure out what a good GIFT is. argh!

i think that everyone should have wishlists posted so that you can just get something on the list and you know they'll be happy and like it.

on the flip side, when benson asked me to make a wishlist, it was REALLY HARD. the list i sent him 3 days later was still the same that i told him on that day: battery for my laptop cause mine has died... and that's it. lol. talking to brandon about it later, and totally agreed: everything i want is at least like $1000. like a round trip to china so i can visit people. or flights from san jose to la for the next 2 weddings i'm going to (yayyy matt and quoc, gonna be awesome!!!) or an ipad which is totally unnecessary.

i think he's going to get my boots. cause i tore mine 2 years ago. and i still work at a fashion company. ugh don't get me started on fashion....

so yes. i think everyone should have a wishlist. it seriously makes shopping so much easier. surprisingly, the easiest person to shop for was my boss because she's pregnant and someone mentioned i should get lotion for pregnant people.

okay, finally going to hang out with people. first time this break!!!!

you are awesome if you read this fat thing :)

STAYING IN LA

2010-09-06T16:39:00.001-07:00

and i am SO excited to do so :) wahhhh living with jen and sam is going to be so flippin' amazing ^^ i really do feel spoiled and super loved :) something about being with people who unconditionally love and accept you, wow :)

went to a wedding yesterday. Jesus has blessed me a ton with the absence of the desire to not be single (aka i'm okay being single) and that's been AMAZING. it's been wonderful not being heads over heels over some boy that will probably never work out and its been wonderful just living life and not caring who sees or watches or observes. it was WONDERFUL to just let loose and dance crazy on the dance floor and not try to impress anyone. because it was RIDICULOUSLY MEAT-MARKET-like. it was like BAAYF lol for older people. ughhhh just felt so gross and icky from that. checkin' out guys, the christian-style. *sigh*. now that jayon and anita are together, i thought i would be more BLEH and be more boy-crazy but yah, tons of grace with that :) i think it's helpful being around 30-year-olds and just older people in general. for someone reason, it was when i was with pc people that i felt more pressure to be in a relationship... weirdness. anyway...

back to jen's wedding. it was pretty flippin amazing fun :) mostly the dance floor part and the after-wedding karaoke and eating part. and last night at the source, my body was so exhausted and i went into this trance-like state for a bit... like halfway between unconsciousness and consciousness. and just observed. i just felt so content, to be there with the source people, to be there with people whom i loved and cared for, to be with family. i've been feeling that more and more as i get older which is weird. it's not nostalgia, it's contentness and smiling a half-smile and just enjoying the moment. maybe this is what it means to slow down and smell the roses :)

anyway, i'm glad my co-worker bailed on me today. needed a day to do nothing but email, talk to people on the phone and sleep a lot. and i really need to get back into the swing of things in terms of cleaning after myself, cooking, and exercising. it's been a month since the bday and i really have no excuse except pure laziness :)

??? thoughts through this decision-making process

2010-08-10T20:38:00.001-07:00

It's been a while. Can't believe 3 months have passed; life passes by so much more quickly when you don't have school and breaks to tell you that a quarter has ended and that you should prepare for the next one. Instead it just goes on and on and on...

Blogging because I read Jess' blog and that inspired me to write stuff. Plus I think i'm going to go crazy with these thoughts in my head...

JESUS. i don't know what to do. it looks like doors have closed for Samaritan's Purse so far; the Vietnam Office Manager position has been filled and the Haiti Office Manager position is not available right now. so i emailed julie to see what the options were for volunteering abroad, in the hopes that it'll become a full-time job.

Ugh. I mean i knew it wasn't going to be smooth sailing but this is just annoying -_-'. Let's see, I could overspiritualize and say that this is all because the Lord doesn't want me to go and that I'm trying too hard. Or I could point to the conversation that Jayon/Anita/Thao and I had on the way back from Mammoth, that I shouldn't feel guilty about having fun. Which I know i would if I decide to stay in LA with Jen, Sam, and crew. I mean it would be ridiculous fun and I know I would feel "guilty" sorta.. somehow... like christianity is all about being miserable. ugh.

But still, i feel like i'm supposed to be resting, aka doing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING and for some reason, I don't feel like I can do that in LA. i don't know if that's a lame excuse and maybe I just miss home or feel obligated to hang out with mom. but that one day that I did absolutely nothing all morning at mammoth but listen to worship music and stare at the sun and tan, wow, that made me want to just keep doing that foreverrr. and my heart was at peace. but the thing is my heart finds peace now and then during these days where i just go go go.

*sigh*. and part of it is that i feel like i'm getting closer to people at work. I don't know if that's just a mirage because of the incident-of-me-being-stupid or if i'm actually developing friendships there. part of THAT is me scheming and planning to see how many of those people i could convert aka have them know Jesus as their own personal savior, etc. like a good christian should and the other part is, it's just nice to make new friends and understand the stories that go behind each individual human heart that pounds there.

part of me wants to go back home and hang out with Brandon and other normal christians, because, surprise surprise i still deal with boldness issues and omgosh-they're-going-to-think-i'm-retarded-for-praying-in-public etc. etc. and i really think i just need to hang out with people who have conquered that and can push me. cause that makes me come alive, praying for people and setting people FREE. so much more alive than doing hr administrative things all day.

but that's the thing too, i LOVE MY FRIGGIN JOB. like seriously. i spent 12 hours working yesterday and loved every moment of it. that's the truth. i think i complain sometimes because it's the 'right thing to do' otherwise people will REALLY think i'm weird. ugh why does that even matter??

anyway, none of this matters, just thoughts as a part of the process. i have to wait and see what Julie says and then decide. the thing is, this decision affects so many things, not just my job any more. i will no longer have anything in common with people at work and most likely will never see any of them ever again. i'm not sure if i'm okay with that yet...

man. why do these decisions have to be so difficult... :( and it's not even like i can fall back on the 'what do you think god is saying' answer because He ain't sayin NOTHIN'. he's letting make this decision and i know he will bless me either way and that's not even something i'm dealing with now...

if only i hadn't bought the NY tickets lol. and if only the lease didn't end in september. i could wait indefinitely to make this decisions, but now i have to make a decision SOON. as in the next week.

why am i wavering now?? i was so sure last month and the many months before...

stuck in a rut

2010-05-31T03:16:00.000-07:00

just watched date night. cute, not the typical chick flick. spent a day doing nothing, being irresponsible and not picking up the phone, beryl got mad and rightly so. it's been one of those days.

actually it's been one of those weeks. or maybe one of those seasons. it comes every 4 years, this being the second round of things and it usually happens around senior year. last time this happened, i had to go to a conference to get a rude awakening from the Lord. this time, i already know what i need to do but i've been putting it off.

i read a wrinkle in time today; never realized how many references to Christianity there were. or maybe i did and just forgot. anyway, i felt like meg when she was getting wrapped up in "The Dark Thing". i feel like i've been wrapped up in the dark thing lately. i feel like a star that's dying, sucking in all life around me until everything disappears.

half of me doesn't want to believe that these seasons can still exist. after all, if you have Jesus, shouldn't everything always be wonderful? i know the sunday school answer to that but i think i've let my expectations of myself go too high again. i always expect myself to be perfect, to not make mistakes, to be the girl who always did what everyone expected of her. and now i feel like i'm actively rebelling against that.

i've been flakey and irresponsible. because last month, someone commented on how dependable and un-flakey i was. i've been selfish and making everything about myself. because someone recently mentioned how unselfish i was. if only people knew, that all that is for me. the unselfishness, maybe 10% is for the Lord. but i think the other 90% is for me. it's that stupid Christianity checklist thing. God, i'm never going to be free from that.

so here i am, back again, for the umpteenth time. i'm pretty sure i can copy and paste that phrase since i use it so much, usually after i feel like crap and want to run away from the world and hide but know that i can't. Lord, i don't want to go to Haiti to run away from stuff, you know that. I don't want to go to Haiti just so i can escape the mundane life that i feel that i lead here. I don't want to go to Haiti and do the miracles that i feel i can't achieve here. I don't want to go to Haiti to run away from the friendships that I felt have failed here. I don't want to go to Haiti because I think that I will feel you closer there. And not Haiti, i just don't want to run away.

God. I need you more. More than yesterday. More than the air I breathe. More than anything. This is my song for the season. Things are so confusing and i don't want to rely on me "feeling" you or not. I want to be all that you imagined me to be, whether i feel like it or not. but God, right now i just feel like an irresponsible bum that's running away from all the hard things of life. or maybe running away from the responsibilities of adulthood. and drowning my "sorrows" or complaints in movies and tv is a momentary answer. but they come right back when those end.

i'm putting much hope in taking the bus back and forth to work starting on Tuesday. I am expecting you to show up on the bus and i expect that our relationship will grow that much stronger. i expect to start working out on tuesday. i expect to be unafraid starting June 1st, to go and pray for people not because i have to, but because it's a part of me. i expect to be bold at work, which in even typing that phrase, freaks me out. i expect to be on top of things, to eat healthy, to exercise, to be there for everyone who needs me, to be a light in the darkness and be excellent in all i do, to be prophetic in all i say, to be the perfect friend, christian, daughter, sister, employee, etc.

and all that will fail me and i will be hard on myself for failing again and this cycle will repeat itself.

i don't know, God. Don't know how you do this.

i just want to jump into that ocean of endless love and stay there until i can love again. i want to stay there and pause life until i'm filled again. i need to. i don't know how though.

help

me

in every single area of my life God i need you more.

i am now a UCLA graduate

2009-12-20T12:09:00.000-08:00

and just like that, it's over.

after a lovely week at tahoe, resting in the Lord, having good times hanging out with sophie and jeremiah, i come back to find that i didn't get into the minor. I was done...

i just texted brandon saying that i feel like i got shafted 2 quarters of my "college experience", but it is fitting. It feels right; the Lord has his own plan and it rarely goes with mine. and at this moment, i don't know where i'm going to be next month... i am going to give myself a month to find a job in la. if not, then i think i'm going to remain at home for the time being. i feel like i could enter into a season of rest and focused time of intimacy with the Lord. the first two days felt like a small glimpse of what could be.

i don't know, this is just a weird feeling. i mean, i love learning, i love going to class, i love knowledge and all i've ever known is school. and until my next two years of grad school, it's over. maybe it's not as bad because i've been thinking about graduation for the past year, ever since the whole crazy stay-in-china thang. haha. god i have no idea what you're doing... haha. but i'm sure it will beautiful :) it always is.

i feel like although my schooling feels like it's ended, there are still many things that aren't done in la... supernatural on campus, the people at ucla, it just doesn't seem done yet. Jesus, please make the path clear and obvious :)

i am excited for 2 weeks of break. it will be so good for my soul.

obligatory finals post, perhaps the last one

2009-12-08T19:27:00.001-08:00

life is so uncertain. i don't know why i'm not freaking out. actually i do, because i know that you're going to take care of it :) it's a lovely feeling not stressing out about the future and just enjoying moment by moment. Thank you for that gift, Jesus :)

like i've said before, this quarter has probably been my most studious yet. probably a combination of living in the apartments, having been gone for a year, and not having the car these past couple of weeks so i can't go random places without a ride. blessing in disguise :P no matter how much i complain, Lord i know you know much better how I work. thank you for waking me up to study, for giving me alertness and a good brain to memorize stuff. i would really like to get all A's this quarter though :) for your glory. and it'd be nice to finish ucla strong. or u can just help me get in the accounting minor :P

Jesus, i'm awaiting the job that you have for me too. nothing has really happened so far but i know that's perfect timing because i wouldn't be able to commit to anything yet anyway. I'm just amazed how you work everything out, always exactly right. it's so nice to know you're in control :)

even with things concerning my heart right now, Lord, i'm trusting that my heart is distracted by one person so it won't be distracted with many. i mean, it's weird logic, but it works. i'm still holding out though Lord, and i know he's gonna be pretty amazing stuff :)

thank you Lord for a relatively warm apartment. haha even though it's cold as hell out there, it's not that bad in here. better than norcal home :P

thank you Lord for the tahoe trip to look forward to, time to just hang out with You and be with You and dance with You :) i'm excited to dance. and to dream. and just overall to spend time with you again. i know i haven't been very good with that, at least not in the "traditional" sense of spending time with you. i really want to get back into the Word. and I'd like another version of the Word that i can borrow. can you hook me up please? there's a lot of things that I'm sure you want to teach me and that i'm excited to learn too. many books to read, many hours to sleep, many conversations to be had. and maybe i shall ski.. perhaps.. :)

thank you Lord for a heart that feels, that is not TOO jaded, for your protection Lord. i know that if i had done things my own way, my heart would be in so much worse of a state. but you have been faithful and literally, kept the bois away :)

it's crunch time. 15 more hours for the hardest final. Jesus, i just need a little more focus and understanding. i really want to do well... if not, as long as you have the jobs lined up for me, that's fine too :P

i love you. bring daddy back home soon~
i love the way you move. i love the way you love me. i love the way you whisper my name. i love the way you love, period.

when she cries

2009-11-29T03:29:00.001-08:00

its been a restful time being at home. for the first time, i didn't overschedule myself; in fact i just sorta hung out at home for most of the time besides seeing some church kids for a bit. i guess i'm learning how to value my family more.

in the midst of just spending time doing nothing, sleeping a lot, exercising and eating good food, there were several moments that i realized how being at home brought out the root of many of the heart issues. i mean, i could be completely over-analyzing many of this, but at home there's no bs. there's no sparing of feelings. things are just as they are. people don't beat around the bush. (people meaning my bros :P ) and so much of a mask that i put up during my other times just comes crashing down. it's true that people see who you really are when you're at home... they know when you're putting on a mask.

anyway, back to bondages. i've been seeing that much of my life is controlled and mastered by OBLIGATIONS. i keep thinking it's the whole asian christian daughter thing...

here's to lists:

obligated to be:

-good christian (reading the bible, praying, going to church [not so much anymore :p ], praying for revival and healing, spend time with the Holy Spirit to hear his voice more)

-good daughter (looking out for parents, more specifically, feeling pressure to graduate early to save mom money. thing is, even though they say that pressure is not there, their actions and words CLEARLY speak otherwise...)

-good Chinese (learn the language, keep the culture/customs alive for future generations especially since my bros don't care as much)

-good student (straight A's which leads to wonderful job）

-good employee (self-motivated, dedicated, attention to detail, loyal to company? [boss says that's old-fashioned])

-good sister (don't really know what this looks like... but the pressure is still there)

-good woman of God (submissive to future husband, learn to cook/clean/sew all that womenly stuff though i don't know if that's exactly credible either, might just be societal pressure)

-good friend (be there when people need you to be, drop everything to help your friends, good listener, strive to be the go-to person, discern when to be a listener and when to give advice)

i guess the one that popped up most during this weekend was the family one and not even for the above reason. i'm such an idealist... i always strive for that, even in what the fam looks like. i want everyone to drop everything for family first too. tension that i encountered was, what does it look like to put God first in that? i mean how can you argue with, i don't want to go to this family outing, i want to spend it with God? you can't argue against that and that's frustrating. it's like playing the God card... religion card.. whatever. it's just frustrating when that happens.

anyway. topic was thought up of because in a family where emotions are rarely talked about or shown, today, my mom cried. i thought about how weird it was for me to be comforting her, reversal of roles and all. but i was glad that she trusted me enough to let go, even if it was for a little bit. i hope she has a shoulder to cry on when she needs to (Jesus, this is your cue :) )

watched glee for the first time today (watched like 6 episodes). thought of you when quinn asked her dad to just let her crawl on his lap and be the little girl again. i miss you still. a lot. come home soon.

small consolation

2009-10-25T14:14:00.000-07:00

i feel a little better that the interview status for jobs say "not invited" and not straight up "REJECTED WE DON'T WANT YOU". *sigh*

trying to trust You.

Today,

2009-10-07T18:37:00.000-07:00

I lost a little hope. I questioned your timing, wondered why I'm still here and where I"m supposed to be going.

I questioned, today, whether you have heard and will answer my prayers. If you are, then please help me wait. I am quite terrible at that. And today, I was a product of the microwave, instant culture. I can not suffer for long, I've found, if you're not there to support me, to remind me and whisper in my ear that You're still here, Your word still stands, Your promises are still true.

I'm tired of holding on Jesus. Help.

Tears.

2009-09-27T03:21:00.001-07:00

once in a while, i see something or someone or something happens that reminds me of you. The other day, I was watching a video from several years ago made by some church friends and you randomly popped up in the background. Tears kept coming for the rest of the video.

I wonder to myself if my faith is for nothing; everything seems to contradict with the Lord has told me about you. I want to believe; actually, I do believe. But once in a while, when I dwell in the circumstances too long, I get discouraged and question the Lord's timing and sovereignty.

For the sake of your dignity, I wish you didn't have to go through this humbling experience. But for the sake of our family, for your relationship with the Lord, for the sake of your spiritual well-being, I know that this is necessary. And yet it hurts. The process hurts. It hurts because whenever I think of you for too long or pray for you, my eyes tear up and my heart aches so much. I miss your presence, I miss your voice, I miss our times together, I miss sitting in your lap and just listening to you breathe. I even miss our arguments that show our shared stubbornness, your weirdness, your quirky sense of humor. I miss being embarrassed when you say something stupid in front of my friends and I roll my eyes. I miss the times when I don't even have to say anything and I just want you to hug me because I know that without saying anything you already understand what's going on. I miss the postcards you used to send me. I miss your really good spicy chicken wings. I miss you telling stories of me when I was a baby, how I always chose you over everyone else.

If only you had heeded the Father's warnings early on. If only you had maintained a soft heart towards His calling. But I also realize that your mentality and attitude towards Him is the same as yours towards your own father. And your earthly father was, unfortunately, terrible example of who God is as a father. The Lord is revolutionizing your view of Him. He's going to ravish your heart, ravish your mind until you are completely and utterly in love with Him. You're going to experience his love in a way that will blow your intellectual mind away. All those years in Sunday school, in church, all those years of head-knowledge will be blown away as you encounter the abounding and endless love of Your Lover. You will know so intimately His love for you. And it will naturally pour out of you into every area of your life. Your marriage, your relationships, your friendships, your view of the world, everything. There will be restoration. There will be dancing instead of mourning.

And on that day, I will know that all this pain was worth it. And on that day, I will cry tears of joy instead of tears of hurt. And I'm believing with all my heart that that day will come soon. Lord I'm holding on to what You've promised me. Even when the door looks shut, I know that victory is coming soon.

I can't believe it's been three years already. It's been a whole year since I have heard your voice. The memories are already starting to fade. I miss you so.

Lord, bring breakthrough. Humble his heart. Encounter him in a way that is undeniably you. I know You love him more than I could ever. He is, after all, Your creation, Your beloved, Your son.

I await for the prodigal to come home with open arms.

frustrated...

2009-09-08T20:25:00.001-07:00

Lord, I know I should have more mercy, I know I should be more forgiving, I know I should be more understanding, I know I should more patient. She's hurting, she's going through a rough time, she has nobody to turn too, but therein lies my frustration. She DOES have someone to turn to, but she chooses not to, because of face, because of 面子, because of this stupid Chinese cultural stronghold that prevents her from being honest and transparent with what's going on. Lord, I hate "face"，I hate "saving face", I hate what that entire concept has done to make things worse. God, I know you are by her side, this is a battle that is already won, but then, why is it so frustrating!?!

this is purely a rant, a chance for me to write down stuff so I don't explode and regurgitate this on some poor soul. I guess, you my readers, are the poor souls :)

Lord, have mercy on me.

Happiness is...

2009-08-27T16:23:00.000-07:00

eating free coffee cake and not feeling guilty about it :)
running how far i wanted to run and not stopping :)
spending lunch breaks lying on the grass enjoying the sun and the Son :)
walking home for work and knowing i can stop anywhere and stand there for a while :)
eating sophie's cake with tons of frosting for breakfast :)
home-made smoothies everydayyyy :)
watching sermons from bethel allllll day :)
dancing crazily when no one is watching :)
watching stephen chow be... stephen chow :)
seeing GOD stir things up in people :)
answered prayers!!!! :)
seeing the next generation get soooo rocked by GOD :)
being at a woman of GOd's wedding, knowing that we had prayed for her husband sooo much earlier in her life :)
talking to mom about how dorky brandon is :)
running through sprinklers and not caring :)
random encouraging texts from people whom I love and love me :)
jamming :)
cooking and not burning anything!! :)
hearing GOd's voice clearly 1000% w/o a doubt :D

when I'm content in Jesus and with what He's doing through me and in me~

Life is beautiful.

trying to be a college kid

2009-08-26T01:44:00.000-07:00

so i'm staying up solely because i can :) it's great to be in college, making your own schedule and dealing with the consequences of your own actions (aka i'm gonna feel really tired tomorrow and not want to go to work).

update on the life:
-done with my first and last community college classes. learned more in one class than in 36 at ucla. man... don't want to admit it but the prof was from usc...
-living with sophie min is a new adventure everyday. i never know what to expect and it makes everyday interesting. sometimes i just want to be in her prescence to see what she'll say/do/think aloud/sing next. it's only confirmed my suspicions that she's an amazing, wonderful, woman of God. the man who marries her will be extremely lucky.
-living in an apartment is AMAZING. i loveeee it. it's so much better than the dorms. it's so nice to be able to have a carpeted apartment. i can do sit-ups on the floor now and not be grossed out. simple joys of life.
-starting to go running regularly again. it's so funny how running only three days in a row will jog your muscle memory. today it was so much easier to run the same distance as i ran three days ago.
-gonna take a week vacation starting this saturday. plan to have lots of good God-time, hang out with the fam, and not go on facebook. hopefully that will last the entire week :)
-learning how to cook. failing a lot (burnt veggies, really sweet/salty veggies, overcooked meats, soggy rice), but also some good #2 attempts :) i can't wait to go home and bring back baking material; i think it's so much harder to fail when it comes to baking...
-working full time is not as bad as i thought. days start going back a lot faster but it's nice to not have to think about work after work :) unlike school which is pretty much neverending.

random thoughts:
-I don't miss China. But it's weird. I know i'm going to go back. sneaky how God snuck this whole "life-long missionary" thing on me...
-Felt like I never left the States when I came back. no culture shock at all. except when i was at smc and realized how DIVERSE Los Angeles was. craziness. no mexicanos en chino!!!
-i like talking about china. hahaha today mi boss said i was "Beijinger". ya right, i wish. but it's really funny teaching my latino co-workers random phrases in Cantonese and Mandarin.
-i'm losing my chinese. and slowly gaining my korean. will be so screwed if i end up taking classical chinese in the fall and then korean in the winter/spring (ATTEMPT 2!!! will be so much better than attempt 1. i speak it out in faith.)
-even though I'm not an amazing writer, it's sooooo therapuetical for me to type/write things down. helps me process stuff.
-me having a car = me offering everyone rides. i think i've driven to the airport at least 8 timesthis past summer. no wonder my mom wants me to leave the car in norcal :)
-i still have no idea what i'm going to do with the rest of my life, specifically after i graduate. and for some weird reason (read:GOD) i'm not worried about it.
-God is really really crazy good. ask me more about it :) too much to write here.

woohoo! it's 2:45am. but i'm crashing, getting old. i couldn't even finish a whole diddy riese's cookies 2 days ago :( sadddddd. taste buds are growing up with me.

oh yah it was great turning 21. pc fam loves me so, even after being gone for a whole year. drank some wine. don't like the taste of alcohol found out. as well as several other discoveries... haha :) oh man.. only in pc...

gonna go fall asleep on my fav couch. it's tons more comfy than the mattress i sleep on. gonna miss it when i move out in a couple of days...

much love :)
~b3rn

For the record.

2009-07-21T01:18:00.000-07:00

I really miss you, daddy.

oh chinese government...

2009-06-07T23:30:00.000-07:00

blocked twitter, hotmail, and flickr anddd blogspot in preparation of 6/4. what i still have yet to understand is what they're exactly afraid off, the university students nowadays are in no condition to do a repeat of 6/4 20 years ago, most are concerned only of the impending doom of not having a job when they graduate. i think this article sums it up nicely, most would rather take it out at a rock concert than at a public demonstration.

You make all things beautiful

2009-06-06T01:42:00.000-07:00

and you don't need my help to do that.

Oh Lord, in reflection of this past year, it's so true. You've shown me over and over and over again that it's not me but You. Especially these past couple of months, it's by your grace that i'm where i am right now and not somewhere so far away from you. or maybe I am far from you, but I don't feel like it because i know you're always with me.

Last night, a supposed night of debauchery and evilness full of lewdness and the like, turned out to be somewhat of a breakthrough and a time of contentment for me. When I decided to go out clubbing, my first prayers were GOD　help me not do anything stupid. To stand up for you, be a light. Oh but it was so EASY, I was so surprised, to just be me, to just be with You, to just enjoy life. I didn't have to struggled on my knees for long or with my conscious or with the image of what others thought of me. Lord there was a special freedom that you gave me last night, freedom to just be me and I LOVED it. to dance like crazy because i enjoy dancing even though there were so many watching although i probably looked incredibly silly and not "sexy" as i suppose girls should look. to dance because i love moving to the music, to go all out, to "lose inhibition" without alcohol, a bigger complement than she would ever know she gave me, to enjoy HK food, a small taste of home (even though they didn't have redbean bing) in a land far away, and it was FUN. oh it was so fun.

i've decided that i want to dance all out when i get the chance, whether in a worship service or in a club. i hope i have more chances in worship services. God i love this ability to move the body that you created.

Lord in my inability to do anything right and my constant selfish attitude these past couple of months, you're still moving. I don't know how or why and I'm definitely not worthy, but i guess that's not the point right?i never was, no matter how much I do or how much I'm doing right by you, You blessing me and You moving was never contigent on that. and now i'm EXPERIENCING that, not just knowing and Lord i hope i don't have to experience this much longer. I'm ready to move on, I hope i can move on, I don't want to be this self-centered for the rest of my life or at least constantly choosing to be self-centered as I've been. Lord I want to pour out what You've given me. I want to be rest though and really learn what means, to rest in You and not strive, not work out of my own power.

God i don't trust my feelings still. Though music does manipulate it, when it comes down to it, my actions reflect so much more of my words. And action is still the hardest thing to continue, to persevere in.

Last revelation: I'm still afraid of getting hurt. And any kind of relationship has a huge risk of that, and my desire is to run from anything that has risk. Never been a risk-taker, in stocks, money, or my heart. I guess that's why i hurt so many, run away from so many people, it's easier to deal with myself n You Lord, I know you're perfect and that youll never hurt me. but these PEOPLE, i can't ever guarentee that, they hurt me without even knowing it, or maybe they do. what if they don't like me? what if they don't like me as much as i like them? what if they think ______ of me? o Lord why is it so important what other people think? why can't i ever just be content with you?

im going to get hurt. that's part of life. the question is how i'm going to deal with it. Lord, if being close to people will ultimately lead back to you, then I'm ready for it. bring it on, but you know how much i can deal with.

okay, that was the second last to revelation, another one i just want to say: for those friendships that I feel that they "need" me, that without me their life would be a little less, God i gotta be honest, i like that power. i'm still power-hungry. I'm still control-hungry. and having that tiny bit of control and influence in their life, i like it . but then more of me, means less of You.

shame. guilt. i messed up Lord. and i know i'm going to mess up again today, probably consciously. and yet you knew this and still chose to love me. i dont' think i'll ever understand why you choose to love a flawed people who will most likely hurt you many times. and yet you still choose to love courageously and boldly. i WANT to be able to do that Lord. somehow...

still so long to go Lord. so long...

judging and stealing n stuff

2009-05-13T22:06:00.000-07:00

what is this need to feel superior to others where as soon as I see someone/something, I automatically assign blame or judgment on them? I obviously think I'm God or something.

Lord please change my heart and eyes to see as You do. to see that judging them is to decide something that is out of my hands, and that i as Your creation, have no right to decide something about another one of Your creations. After all, i didn't create them.

i think i don't fear you enough. the concept of stealing your glory does not rattle me as much as it should.
---
i'm really seeing the effects of not having a busy life. having too much free time is NOT a good thing. or maybe i just need to not ever have access to the internet -_-' the amount of time i waste on this is ridiculous.

i hate it when my emotions overrule the truths in my life.

ineedyousomuch,idontevenknowit.

just some thoughts

2009-05-10T06:29:00.000-07:00

lately i've been struggling with staying in China. not physically; physically i love this place and i enjoy being here. but mentally, i've been in LA, specifically daydreaming about my last few months and what i hope to accomplish and what i want to do. it's been hard. i'm a daydreamer by nature; well more a planner, but that planning mentality often turns into daydreaming because i can't plan every single second with certainty and so i just start to imagine things.

i was talking to my lovely friend Jay (thanks for always listening to me rant and talk about ... my life... :) ) who has always been a great sounding board for how i think life should be and will be, even if he does laugh at most of them (i.e. me having kids in a couple years, yes i guess that is a bit laughable, especially since i might need to put them on a leash [they actually do that in china, i just saw it today] so that i won't lose them) about why i've been unable to concentrate on my studies. usually i love studying chinese and i wish i had more time in a day to do so, but lately, especially today and yesterday (i know my life is so exciting, things can change so quickly!) it's just been hard. i think that in addition to the fact that i hate writing essays in general has led to me being a butt and procrastinating and procrastinating. in case you were wondering, i still haven't started on this essay, which was due last week but yah.

anyway, point being, i was telling him bout how i miss la. but the thing is, i don't really miss ucla, the campus. i miss the people. and still, i talk enough to some people (not everyone i want to or nearly as much as i'd like) that i don't miss them and i'm sure they don't miss me that much. and at any given time of the day, i can just chat with them via aim/gchat whatever (shoot jay i'm starting to sound like you -_-')

i think the reason why i've been thinking about la so much is cause i want to move on. i was telling jay also that this sort of feeling happened senior year (it had a name back then, senioritis), right before i left for china last year, and it's happening again now. it's a season of change that i KNOW for sure is coming, not like other seasons in my life where things come and go, but this, i know the DATE of when i'm coming back (6/19) and all i keep thinking is.. 41 more days, 40 more days.

and for some reason, things just become less important here. i can't focus on the things here when i'm always thinking about the future. and that's the thing, i'm finding myself living more and more in the future or the past, and almost rarely in the present. and that scares me :-/

i don't know how to live in the present.

i don't even know what it means to do so.

and above all, i know a huge part of it has to do with my relationship with the big G. not going so well. but not sure why either. actually, maybe i just need a huge slice of humble pie. God derno what's going on :-/

meaningless

2009-05-04T00:34:00.000-07:00

dangit. it's starting again, i can feel it. where everything becomes with an "i don't care" attitude. i can tell cause i slept 18 hours today and missed all my classes cause i just didn't feel like going. 6 more weeks to go. i feel like this every time something in my life ends, like when i was just about to go to china last year, like when i was about to finish high school and move out. things just don't matter anymore and i just want to jump as soon as possible to the next stage.

argh. i suck at being patient Lord and "enjoying the process" has never been a strong point for me. help me out here, i don't want to mentally already be at LA when i still have so much time here. i need a kick in the butt and some hard-core discipline, in all areas of life right now. i don't want to be a fluctuating, up and down, independable, dothingsonlywhenshefeelslikeit, kind of person .

i am not a fan of feelings. they can't be trusted -_-'

So what have i REally been doing this past year in beijing??

2009-04-26T23:04:00.000-07:00

Haha okay well it's a lot more than this, but my past 4 months have completely been devoted to this and so I might as well start from the beginning (mind you, this is a very very long explanation):

So, around October/November of last year, I was talking to God about how I was really loving beijing/china in general, sort of in an unexplainable manner. As in, if you had asked me to pinpoint a particular reason, i wouldn't be able to tell you. all i knew was that several months early, during the summer, i had not felt like that. but at that time, if you had said that i was staying in china for the rest of my life, i would have been okay with it. (i know, crazy huh? that's God for ya)

Anyway, one day i was doing devos and this random crazy thought flew across my mind that maybe I should apply for the school of management at beida (the school i'm studying abroad at ) and then i could stay here for another 4 years and REALLY improve my chinese, at the same time i could learn how to do business stuff in chinese (accounting/finance/marketing/human resources) which is what I had planned to do in the States with an accounting minor. I mean, I had wanted to stay in China, so why not get a degree here while I'm at it?

At this point, most people said something along the lines of "but you'd be wasting 3 years of ucla education!!" i guess it depends on what you think "waste" is then, because my time at ucla, making the friends I did, learning the things I did, having the experience that I had had, I wouldn't consider a single moment of that "a waste".

Other people said, “UCLA degree makes it so much easier for you to get a job!" well, that was true, but with the way the economy is going now, it doesn't matter where you graduated from really. and at that point, and even now, i know your degree is not the only thing that gets you a job. i had had an offer to work at one of the top four accounting firms in beijing before the beginning of this crisis, and none of that had anything to do with UCLA. when it comes to connections and hookups, i have the Ultimate one :) so, wasn't really worrying about that either.

anyway, these were the reasons i sent my brothers (feel free to skim!)
Reasons
Logistically:
-future plan has always concerned business, in Guanghua, i'll learn more about business than at UCLA where my major is now linguistics
-China has been in my future for a while now, meaning that I really need to learn the language. the majority of these classes are in Chinese, not English. additionally, becuase i already took many accounting/math/science classes at UCLA in english, the main focus will be for me to learn the language
-must apply in person and since i'm already here, it would make sense for me to apply now (in march for next year's admission)
-i'm already staying in the most coveted international dorms which are impossible to get otherwise, if i choose to stay, i already am settled in this dorm, without needing to look elsewhere
-if i go back to the states, i will forget a lot of my chinese (small reason but important nonetheless) and i feel like this year will have been a waste, in terms of language improvement
-currently applying for an internship at a Big4 accounting firm, deloitte, where i know the partner and she's pulling strings for me; an internship is required for guanghua
-i really do not feel any qualms about leaving ucla

Spiritually:
-feel like God's put China in my heart, different confirmations during the summer and thus far in just adapting to Beijing well, praying for the city and its people in a way that I didn't in the states
-when i left UCLA, there were many times that i felt that my UCLA season was over; even in my time spent here this far, my relationship with God has grown exponentially in seeing what I learned during my time in UCLA in action (stuff I learned about ministry, from PC, about house churches, about intimacy with God, about worship)

Financially:
-4 years in Guanghua = 1 year at UCLA. crazy but true, including 4 years of tuition and housing; 26000rmb(tuition)+3600rmb(rent) for 4 years is about $17411 which is about $60 less than what parents have paid (on average) my first 2 years at ucla
-also because the money is spread out to be paid in 4 years instead 1, interest can be accumulated (in CD's maybe?) for like another ~$600? (need to check my math on this)
-dad had me save $5000 to help pay for college, this will cover food and all other misc. fees for 4 years more than enough
-when i applied for a job tutoring english, they offered me 130rmb/hr which is about $20/hr; tutoring english on weekends and some on weekdays for 8 hours is about 1000 rmb, easily covering 3 months rent

Conclusion: This is really an option that I'm considering, I haven't made any conclusions yet, and I will be praying and fasting for this throughout December. I definitely value any insight you have and I really want to mom and dad to bless this decision, maybe even to the point where if they don't bless it, then I won't do it (thoughts?). I realize that this is... slightly crazy and risky and weird and all that, but prayerfully going through this.

I also know that if this is wha tGod wants, everything my friends said, is basically null. God will open the doors and establish the contacts needed (like the deloitte partner that i "happened" to meet) and He alone is in charge of my future. he has been faithful and will continue to do so. he will provide a job for me, and where he sends me, i will go. soo maybe this is where he's sending me? i guess that's what i'm trying to figure out. i also know that mom/dad is the biggest hurdle and that if God does change their hearts, then i will take that as my confirmation.

------------------
11/22/08
What God has done since:
So, I talked to another of my UCLA friends and he reminded me that I had originally planned to graduate earlier. I totally had forgotten about this option and so I did some planning and if all goes well, I can graduate this summer by taking Session A and C and then come back to China with a UCLA degree. Praise God that i can get the cake and eat it too :)

Also, I talked to a few friends who had already got into Guanghua and they were telling me about the entrance exams which are one of the craziest thing a Chinese students go through. The test is on Chinese history, overview of China, math, and chinese language (all these in chinese) and English. I was freaking out and really really rethinking this whole thing becuase i hate history and there's no way i can memorize 2000 yrs of Chinese history in Chinese too. Anyway, what ended up happening is that i found out that they JUST changed it this year where they removed both the chinese overview and the chinese history section out of the test!!! praise GOD!!!!!!

So God's totally opening doors and paving the way for this right now it seems, i'm no longer stressing about the test at all and just focusing on what i'm doing right now. granted, there's still a lot of obstacles even with these things straightened out; there are many probably issues that may come up: ALL my units from China have to transfer, and the clases that i need to be offered HVAE to be offered either session A or C otherwise i can't graduate. and, without my parents blessings this is still a no-go. so yah, that's where i am.

-------

phew. anyway that's like half of it. basically the other half is, parents totally backed the idea, i had tons of great tutors through connections of friends of friends [God or odd], studied my butt off (no really, i ACTUALLY studied) for about 2 months, took the test which was freaking hard, and didn't get in.

haha sorry for the anticlimatical ending, but no i didn't get in and no i do not regret a single minute of studying nor do i wish i could have done it all over again. for whatever reason, God has me where I am now. throughout the process, i saw so much of God's faithfulness in providing me rest when I needed it, tutors when i needed it, and most important of all, a peace knowing that whatever the outcome, my life would continue to be in His hands.

so what now? I have no idea :) I can barely see 3 months ahead of me but I have full confidence that it will only be another interesting and wonderful adventure with my Daddy as i keep learning about more of who He is and His amazing love.

anyway, definitely props to you if you read the whole thing, definitely let me know if you want to hear more about this or other things :D sometime later I'll probably post pictures of what i've been up to since (probably around finals, knowing me). i also apologize for whatever atrocious grammar errors i have made, my english is definitely not as good as it used to be ^^

below is a picture of my roommate and one of my biggest cheerleaders throughout this whole thing :D and some of the eap-ers who took me out to italian food after the test to celebrate :D

love you jody, michelle, junia and adi~

random comparison

2009-04-13T06:48:00.000-07:00

so i was talking to a friend today about appearing too "christian"/ religious to other people and afterwards i was talking to God about it and questions came up:

The message is offensive, but does the messenger have to be?

Just like with some homosexual people (weird comparison), everyone KNOWS i'm a freak, a weirdo, a Jesus-freak who believes in an almighty unseen God, but does that mean I should flaunt it? It's part of who I am. but then does loving people include shoving this part of yourself into other people's faces? or does it mean that "tolerance" and "acceptance of differences" is so prevalent in today's society that you just hold yourself back, so you don't offend anyone?

or is this like one of those things that God's still teaching me, that it's different with each situation and i can't have an overall equation to apply to each of this situations in life?

dangit. this relationship thing is hard. this listening thing is hard. this communication thing is hard. SHOOTS :( relationships are difficult. even a relationship with a perfect Being.

Questions

2009-04-09T03:33:00.000-07:00

When?

not now later i don't know soon maybe next week be patient stop asking i'll do it perhaps when i'm ready on my terms sometime is it urgent do i have to do it why can't you ask someone else i'm busy yesterday today and tomorrow probably the day after that too so maybe just

never

That's okay, I'll be waiting. I've been waiting.

Why?

i love this guy

2009-04-08T08:07:00.000-07:00

he has the most interesting posts

things the bible says:
They love to sit at the head table of church dinners, basking in the most prominent positions, preening in the radiance of public flattery, receiving honorary degrees and getting called 'Doctor' and 'Reverend.'

Whoever wants to be great must become a servant. Whoever wants to be first among you must be your slave.

If he won't love the person he can see, how can he love the God he can't see? The command we have from God is blunt: Loving God includes loving people. You've got to love both.

http://branthansen.typepad.com/.a/6a00d8341cae3d53ef01116885969f970c-320wi hmmm interesting...

Quit your worship charades. I can't stand your trivial religious games: Monthly conferences, weekly Sabbaths, special meetings— meetings, meetings, meetings—I can't stand one more!

Meetings for this, meetings for that. I hate them! You've worn me out!I'm sick of your religion, religion, religion, while you go right on sinning.

When you put on your next prayer-performance, I'll be looking the other way. No matter how long or loud or often you pray, I'll not be listening. And do you know why? Because you've been tearing people to pieces, and your hands are bloody. Go home and wash up.

Clean up your act. Sweep your lives clean of your evildoings so I don't have to look at them any longer.
Say no to wrong. Learn to do good. Work for justice.
Help the down-and-out. Stand up for the homeless. Go to bat for the defenseless.

Let me be content with sufficient food, sufficient clothing & a modest home. Keep me from a deliberate determination to be rich.

amazing grace

2009-04-08T02:31:00.000-07:00

You saw me broken
You saw me battered
You saw me filthy
You saw me shattered
You saw me wicked
You saw me lying
You saw me failing
You saw me trying
You saw me angry
You saw me jealous
You saw me prideful
You saw me selfish
You saw me wandering
You saw me lustful
You saw me striving
Worshiping idols

You said I want her, I love her, she’s the one for me
I choose her, I know her, my blood has made her clean
She is my true love, bring her to me.

~from eileen's blog

DANGIT.

2009-04-07T02:25:00.000-07:00

why did i install twitter NOW. -_-' no fb => twitter replacement => another test of self control. dangit.

way to prove me wrong.

2009-04-06T08:08:00.000-07:00

you ever see someone and then totally misjudge them, think supermean thoughts "to" them, and then find out that you were COMPLETELY wrong about them and if anything they were totally on your side?

yah, just happened. dang -_-'

way to prove me wrong God. AGAIN. :p

sooo i don't have fb anymore, i finally did the smart thing and gave my lovely trustworthy friend name ishita, who I KNOW won't screw with my fb :), my password which means there's no way i can sneak onto it and waste 3+ hours when i should be studying (happened on saturday!) instead... i'm gonna blog i guess cuase there's only so many things you can blog about till you feel stupid that you're blogging multiple times a day...

ANYWAY, need to give the brain a rest before it finally erupts and scatters chinese vocab and pinyin and grammar all over the place. so i'm going to type about whatever comes to mind and right now it's about the things i've learned about myself throughout this studying process here:

1. the worst place for me to study is in a library. there are WAY too many ways to procrastinate there such as reading the books around me, which usually takes a good 4-5 hours and then the day is over -_-'
2. 2nd worst place to study is my place. mostly b/c i'm usually studying on the bed and it's SOO comfortable but then i get MAJOR butt soreness for sitting here for longer than 2 hours -_-' i can see how ppl get bed sores on hospital beds.
3. 3rd worst place to study is in my "living room"/ common area, whateveryou call it, mostly b/c i either get into wonderfully distracting conversations with my roommate about bois, school, and life in general, OR i eat. which is the reason why i now have a double chin *TEAR* which is also why my first to-do list when this test is over is EXERCISE.
4. any place with internet is bad. that's too obvious. case in point... now. even w/o fb, there are still wonderfully random distracting things on the world wide web such as youku (source for unlimited free videos), wikipedia (for learning lots of useless crap), cnn (yah you can spend a good hour reading random news articles), stupid sites like fml -_-' [thanks jeffung], and EVEN chinese sites when i'm feeling SUPER adventurous.
5. the best place i've found, is a classroom, where there are uncomfortable chairs, other people being nerdy with you, and where you can basically lose track of time if you never look at the clock. in china, b/c there's SOOO many frickin ppl on this campus and the local chinese students' dorm is half the size of the ones at ucla, everyone studies at the library or classrooms.

so yes. in the words of michelle, time to get the n3rd on!

p.s. i really miss california and everyone there. today was the first reallllly nice day of sprinig, aka actual blue skies and MAN i missed janns' steps :(

not again.

2009-04-03T08:36:00.000-07:00

no devil, you have no right to touch any of the HOly One's children.

you WILL lose this war. she is the Lord's and the Lord desires her and LOVES her. she is his.

for you Seung :)
I don’t want to be like a Pharisee that has lots of knowledge but no daily encounter with Christ, nor do I want to be like the early church that had lots of daily encounters but no written Word of God to authenticate those encounters. The truth is that the letter kills but the Spirit gives life, so it is my desire is to walk in the truth of God’s Word while I experience daily encounters with the Holy Spirit. I do not want to teach someone what they should believe. I want everyone to believe what the Holy Spirit teaches them.
~taken from samuel's blog ^^

"Good Morning, Holy Spirit"

2009-03-29T03:10:00.000-07:00

wow i feel so jipped. haha or maybe it just took until now that i would get it. after reading "Good morning Holy Spirit", i'm like.. seriously? i could have had this??? all this time?!? and the flippin church never told me that?

so jipped.

from the journal:
i'm using a new color b/c i feel like it's a new beginning. As of now, I recognize the HOly Spirit fully as God, not any lesser, and my best firned + counselor who has basically been working in my entire life but i never recognized you fully. After reading benny Hinn's "Good morning holy spirit", i want to recognize you always, please be patient w/ me as i learn to distinguish and hear your voice, it's still all very new. I just wish i didn't have to wait so long -_-" but thx H/S everything's start to make more sense, really if I'm living by you, there is no desire to gratify or even think of the sinful nature and desires. it's cool :)

wow, i'm such a newbie.

p.s. daddy, i miss you. a lot.

the process

2009-03-18T03:01:00.000-07:00

im really enjoying getting close to God. I dont really like hear him or feel him, but i feel like im learning about a guy that ive seen my whole life, but somehow just started to get to know him

yah, that's how it feels like it sometimes...

mi hija, te amo

2009-03-17T07:00:00.000-07:00

letting that wash over me

Travelling in China Part 1: read the guidebook carefully, but you can't believe everything you read

2009-01-28T23:14:00.000-08:00

so after several weeks of traveling all over china, i'm safely in hong kong, albeit 3 days early, having fully experienced 春运　chun yun, aka "don't ever even think about traveling around china during chinese new year".

we originally wanted to go to tibet, but that got thrown out the window when we found out you have to go with a tour group.

then we wanted to go to thailand, by bus, through myamar/vietnam but that got thrown out the window too when we realized neither of us could speak enough vietnamese or burmese to get us through those countries.

so decided just to go to haerbin for the awesome light festival.

i got a hint of how travelling would be like around chinese new year (think travelling during christmas, thanksgiving, and new years in the states combined~) when i tried to buy tickets to haerbin. they said they would start selling tickets at 9am, but by 9am 2 whole trains were already sold out (how that worked, all i can say is TIC [this is china] (read "guanxi"aka through connections) ) anyway, one of my friends ended up getting tickets and took awesome pictures here

first picture of the trip taken of sarah, my travel buddy, whose apple rolled on the floor of the bus, but decided she was hungry and used hand sanitizer to clean it :P

anyway, so we took a 48-hour train ride from bj to kunming (top right corner to bottom left corner of the middle kingdom) where i travelled w/ 2 of sarah's polish buddies who were in her oral chinese class. the beds were super cramped and i couldn't fully sit up (i know, even relatively short asian girls like me can't sit up...) so i laid on my back and read for most of the time, resulting in much butt-soreness.

a girl that sarah and i saw during a potty break at the gas station. she was playing with a blonde-hair barbie and was probably super surprised when she saw sarah. i told sarah she prob thought she was a life-sized barbie :)

after arriving in kunming, we got suckered by a security guard who had connections (nobody's safe in china) and got cheated maybe Y100 more (about 13 bucks US) for a bus to dali. but it's okay :) ppl gotta make a living somehow and lots worse could have happened.

translated into "The world's most amazing dinosaur village", this random town we passed had murals of dinosaurs on the face of every building facing the highway we were on

once we got to dali, we couldn't find the hostel. after asking some policemen, we figured out that we were in the wrong dali. if i had read the lonely planet more closely, i would've seen (which i did later while waiting for the bus to the correct place) that there's a new dali and old dali... and we were in the wrong dali. by then it was dark, we were tired, the bus didn't come, so we just took a cab ride to the right dali...

finally arrived in old dali, walked around for about 20 minutes but couldn't find our hostel... found an english sign that said "sandwiches, coffee, and free internet acess" and i ordered my first western meal in a veryyyy long time, oily fries and all:

yah baby, my lovely fried chicken burger.

sarah was the more asian one and decided to get fried rice, which she said still tasted relatively american.

bustin' out the chopsticks~

anyway, so as soon as we got to dali, this old guy started following us, telling us in his broken, heavily-accented english to follow us to his hostel. but we already booked one, and he looked shady so we ignored him. after spending a good hr and 1/2 in the restaurant w/ my greasy fries and sarah's american style rice, we continued our trek, only to find that he had been waiting outside...

Dali 大理 city gate

anyway, following the address in lonelyplanet, we continued our search for this mysterious hostel. as we walked across the cobbled sidewalks of dali lugging our luggage, this guy kept following us. by now it was like 11pm and there were no streetlights and i was praying hard. haha :) after another 20 minutes he had shut up about his hostel but was still following us, even though it was really obvious that we were not staying at any of his hostel recommendations.

but he still followed us... just silently, occasionally inspecting his fingernails.

cows in dali. soooo random...

so finally, sarah and i just picked a random hostel and checked in, partly to get rid of this guy, but mostly because we were beat and wanted to sleep in a bed. our $3 "bed" was actually a cloth set up on top of a mattress, camping-style, 8 to a "room". we went back downstairs to pay, and the guy was still there... just standing INSIDE the hostel.

dali is a quaint little town situated between mountains and lakes

by this time, i was like... well we're already in a hostel. maybe he just has nothing else to do but to follow random foreign looking girls. the owners of the hostel were trying to convince him to leave but he just kept standing there. thinking that the best thing to do was to ignore him, i started surfing the web and doing my own thing. i mean the worst that could happen was that he would be waiting in the morning for us... and hopefully he won't freeze to death. sarah and i guilt-tripped and probably freaked vince out when we told him about the guy :P (sorry)

anyway, the next morning, he was gone.

sarah and i tandem-biked the surrounding fields which was really fun because we got really lost and kept biking in and out of these really cute villages and every time we passed a whole bunch of guys who though they were really cool, they would scream out, "HELOOOOOO" haha which i think was the only phrase in english they knew. it was great, we got hello-ed at a lot. and we got fire-crackered at　too~ 哈哈

sarah joked that she should just ni hao them every time they hello-ed her. they would probably freak out that a waiguoren (foreigner) knew how to speak their language.

but couldn't find any of the restaurants listed in lonelyplanet. strike2.

anyway, tandem biking is awesome and it was fun just biking around the country-side, enjoying the 6th largest freshwater lake in china and the wonderful clean air.

we hired horses to go up the mountain to find the cable cars that the lonelyplanet specifically stated were supposed to be amazing. cept they don't exist anymore. strike3. from then on, we sorta just didn't use the guidebook.

anyway, after a day of hitting up mountains and lakes and enjoying the fresh air, we moved on to lijiang, a town similar to dali. we left that night and while on the bus, God surprised me with a breath-taking view of the stars. oh mannnn it was so mind-blowing, but there was no way the camera could capture it. so yah, you'll have to take my word for it. the stars in yunnan during the winter are amazing.

of course, lonelyplanet didn't say anything about that :)

best time to blog is....

2009-01-07T06:58:00.000-08:00

the night before your hardest final.

yes, my procrastinating habits have not been left in the u.s., they have faithfully followed me halfway across the world... drat.

plus, i slept 16 hours last night, but that's because i'm sick and trying to get better. but anyway, i thought i should blog about thoughts on this semester before my upcoming AWESOME trip around china where i'll be hiking mountains and valleys and roughing it with my limited 中文 (chinese) and ultimately, reuniting with the fam "down under" (relative to Beijing anyway) in my HK homeland. i'm leaving on saturday for a 3 day train ride to kunming, yunnan; on which, i will hopefully be STUDYING a lot :) haha yes, i did say study, but we shall see, as my plans never go as i imagine.

iceskating on top of the lake at our school. definitely one of the cooler new experiences :D:D:D this will also be my traveling buddy, sarah from south... dekota. which sad to say, i don't really know where that is. (so californian -_-')

anyway, in 2 days, i will officially have finished a semester of schooling, and all i can say is, i don't know how berkeley kids do it. it is so flippin LONG. additionally, chinese people don't celebrate thanksgiving or christmas, so i had a total of... 3 days of break in these 18 weeks of school. UGH. way too long. i miss america.

things i miss about america right now:
-the air. ohh i miss the clean fresh air of california, with the blue skies (which surprisingly, frequently show their face here, just with a layer of ucky brown stuff)
-running outside. only reason i can't here is... see #1. i mean i still remember the 7-10th grade pe where we ran in the freezing cold at 7:30am so it's doable.
-american holidays. chinese people need more holidays -_-' i remember in high school where we had like a week break every 2 months; here, that just doesn't exist :(
-cheese. and milk. and nuts. ooo i miss nuts so much :( they are sooo expensive here, hence i've asked everyone who has gone back to the states to bring back lotsss of cashews and honey roasted peanuts and peanut butter for me :)

me at an indian buffet restaurant :) i miss mi indian friends!!! and indian people in general! there's only one indian here at the university so far who i've seen.

but really, when it comes down to it, I AM LOVING IT HERE. :) the abovementioned is definitely the minority of my experience here and it's weird, but i really can't put it to words why i love it here so much. here as in china, but i mean after this travelling experience around china, i only expect to love it even MORE. cause right now, my view of china is basically beijing. man, i can't even begin to describe all the
awesome things i'm learning here, from the language, to the culture, to seeing all the insane amazing wondrous things that God's doing here, to making new friends and trying new things and getting outside of my bubble. it's awesome and i totally realize why people recommend everyone in college to study abroad. only because it is TRULy awesome; you learn so much about yourself, about the things that you have believed your whole life, etc. etc.

really though, you're supposed to have that experience when you go to college. for whatever reason, probably because 40 people from my high school went to ucla, i didn't. i didnt break out, didn't branch out, didn't try many new things. not that i regret it, the past 2 years i wouldn't trade for any other. but being here in china, the only person here from ucla, something about that. not that i'm really reinventing myself like i had envisioned when i went to ucla, but just finding out more about myself.

what's really funny, is that everything i just wrote, i wrote in chinese for one of my classes :) woohoo.

so thoughts about this semester, besides the fact that God has blessed me BAJILLIONS and shown me more and more who i am and what it means to follow him everyday, he's also shown me what he's doing here in china and it BLOWS my mind... God's so in control it's rediculous :) anyway, my chinese has improved (it better!) but definitely not doing as well as i hoped in the making chinese friends department. i definitely love the ones i have though :) i lovee beida, i love beijing, i love china, i love chinese, i love the chinese people; i might stay longer than i had planned, how much longer, i won't be sure of yet until the end of may.

christmas and new years were definitely weird here, there is no "christmas season" although it's amazing how they publically play carols and other songs about Jesus being King of Kings all over China, whereas 9 years ago no one even knew what christmas was. and of course, i had class on christmas, which i skipped, not really because i wanted to but cause it just so happened that i slept through my alarm, like any other day. good thing my roommate was totally up for throwing a party with me :) woohoo another first :) and then cooking (SUCCESSFULLY!!) rice krispies, punch, smores, hot dogs, sphegetti (haha mel and sofa that reminded me of camping days :) ) . twas fun :)

new years was weird, not being with the fam and all the wvcac ppl at auntie louisa's, instead went to a praise night, quite an interesting way to bring in the new year. there were pastors praying in every language for the world, for china, for beijing, for the church. proud to say that i understood a total of... 2 1/2 languages. sad that i understood more of the mandarin one than the cantonese one... oyy...
my friend, christian, playing his songs at a bar, one of my "new experiences" here in china :) bars are not as scary as i thought they would be :)

as you can probably tell, my english hasn't been doing too well, sometimes i leave words out and don't realize it unless i reread things. oh well :) uhm so yah i guess that's the update. it's flippin cold here, but thanks to my down jacket, i've been surviving pretty well. everyone's starting to go crazy with chinese new year coming up, and i'm excited to see how china will celebrate it. i'm guessing it'll be christmas, new years, and thanksgiving combined together in the states so it'll definitely be worthwhile.

mm lessee... not very homesick, but then again, that usually hits around the second year from my experience :) i do reminisce often, usually when i'm sitting on my bed, away from chinese people and sounds, facebooking and seeing what other people are up to halfway around the world. but i've come to realize that no matter what, even if i was back at la or in san jose, things change and there will never be another 2006 or 2007 or now a 2008. all my memories are just those, memories. when my friend came to visit me in beijing, he said that things aren't the same at la as i remembered, life still goes on. and when i look at lynbrook seniors prepping for their proms and think back to my proms, that was the past. i think about walking over to the girls' apartment and hanging out there all night with no agenda, talking about boys, God, life, whatevers, that was also the past. i think about hanging out with brandon and talking about God's craziness, listening to benson's wise advice about life, talking to mom about everything and nothing, sitting on my daddy's lap and crying over something stupid, reading the san jose mercury, watching saturday morning cartoons, that was the past.

and yet they are all so close, all i have to do is close my eyes.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY STEVE LEE!!!!!

2008-10-21T08:49:00.000-07:00

to an awesome man of God ^^

sorry i wanted to upload a picture but blogger's not working for me so i'll just have to mini-blog.

steve oh steve... where shall i start? our conversations mostly revolve around the same thing, relationships :) whether with the opposite gender, with each other, with interacting with friends, with family or with God, that's usually what it's about. i still remember that one reallyy supperrr random conversation and chillage that we had b/c we were both waiting in front of the girls' apt with nothing to do :) i remember how it was at that moment i realized how interesting your thoughts were (talking about ministry and where we feel more comfortable, with christians or with non-christians) and how there was so much more to you than the jokester who is always in the center of attention who talks a lot :) through these past 2 years, i've heard other ppl talk about and seen first hand your heart for people and your vulnerability with ppl too. i've seen God work in you in good times and bad and i'm pretty sure i've only seen the surface.

anyway, steve, you've been a blessing to me and other people, entertaining me and challenging me with your thoughts and words. i and a wholeee lot of other people are glad that you were created 22 years ago : )

maybe the first bad day i've had in beijing

2008-10-15T02:59:00.000-07:00

by the title, this is obviously going to be a rant :)

bad things:
-looked stupid in front of class b/c i forgot my txtbk and i didn't know the answer to the question even though my group was counting on me....
-all the juice in my lunchbox spilled all over my books and backpack
-understood practically nothing in my chinese overview class (chinese historyyy too which is pretty much the class i hate the most)
-got talked into buying a chinese dictionary but drastically overpaid for it (800rmb=115usd)
-forgot to bargain for it until i was handing the money over
-while i was getting money from the atm, my bike fell over (or mayb someone pushed it but i didn't see... )and mi bell broke
-while i was biking to get my dictionary i found out the brake on the bike was loose too (hecka dangerous, esp. in beijing's crazy traffic.. bike traffic i mean)
-got my bike fixed but got a nasty stare when the ppl figured out that it didn't become like that by itself (they prob thought i had an accident and broke it -_-')
-my bread fell out of my basket while i was trying to avoid running into two buses
-remembered the immense amount of hw to do :(
-STILL SICK after 3 weeks!!
-chinese chunky peanut butter jips you of a lot of peanuts.
-english is still deproving like mad. chinese is not improving like mad.

Good things:
-found out today that i reallyreallyreally like oat bread.
-china has all my favorite fruits (watermelon in summer and asian pears and kiwi in abundance right now :))
-weather has turned WARM again :D:D:D still have time to soak in rays
-my cool new dictionary has a rediculous amount of excessive applications (mp3, mp4, converter, games, photo album, class scheduler, etc.)

okay so life seriously isn't that bad. i can't really complain :) compared to those ppl who dont' have food to eat everyday and don't have a chance to get an education, i'm flippin spoiled :)

*sigh* missin a bit of ucla though~ happy 21st birthday sophia :):) and happy really old birthday to you thao!!!!

I LOVE MY SCHOOl!!

2008-10-03T23:09:00.000-07:00

Today, I woke up, stared at the sky, and smiled.

These blue skies are as common as rain at UCLA (for non-UCLAers, it rained only twice my entire first year and i didn't even use my umbrella) I thought today would never happen ^^ Thus began my photo-trip around my lovely school Peking University :)

This is now my "car", it's pretty trusty and cost only about $22 with all the bells and whistles (literally):

haven't ridden a bike in FOREVER and my butt has been really sore the past couple of days because of it -_-' but haven't run over any one yet even though the biking in beijing is pretty rediculously dangerous.

This is where I live:

It's called shao yuan and you can tell it's the international student dorms because, well, it's in English. haha ^^

Anyway, so the reason I've had so much time to blog is because it's the "national day holiday" from 10/1-5 where the entire country is on holiday. so there's like a WHOLE bunch of people walking around our school. but even then... there's always the studious chinese students. in the picture below, i walked past the guy in blue (slightly hidden by the bushes) speaking Chinese-y english really loudly. this is REALLY commonplace in universities here; so many chinese students regularly practice their english lessons in gardens, anywhere. it's pretty funny ^^ but then again i probably sound hilarious if i were to do that in chinese.

Anyway, the campus is SO GORGEOUS!!!! It's jokingly known to the local students as "Beijing's biggest park". The northern part is much like a park; reminds me of UCLA's north and south campus:

And this is my favorite place on campus:

it's the largest lake on the campus called "no named lake" 无名胡 ; yah so poetic ^^ but anyway, i love doing devos here or just hanging out in general here. it's so gorgeous (i am soooo spoiled ^^)

This is the West Gate of the school; it's so Chinese-looking. Inside is a TOTAL park and then right when you step outside, you hear this LOUDD honk of the busses and cars and it's back to civilization :)

below is the sign that says Peking University outside the gate:

Below is the Bicentennial hall (sorta like royce hall) where they have these famous beijing operas and other people perform:

Beijing Olympics store on campus:

The beautiful library:

"Beijing University Library" in chinese:

They even have road maps on campus:

So one of the things that I'm still struggling/dealing with is the fact that even though I look chinese, my chinese really sucks and people can totally tell I'm not from China. however, no one ever believes me when I say that I'm American.

For example, here's what they would be thinking if they saw the below picture:

yahhh i saw the good-lookin mats a couple of times in beijing :) this is us before he heads back to shanghai in a subway station. and he is as good-looking as ever.

WOOHOO yah for pictures :)

October 2nd

2008-10-02T09:01:00.001-07:00

10/2/08
So today, I woke up like any other morning and had some good times with Jesus, just rereading Deuteronomy and hearing God’s voice, like STRAIGHT out of His mouth you know? Like I can just HEAR His heart and his longing for His people in this verse:

Oh, that their hearts would be inclined to fear me and keep all my commands always, so that it might go well with them and their children forever! Deut 5:29

Like DANG this is the God who supposedly “smites down people and damns ppl to hell”, the same OT God; the more I read the Old Testament, the more I see God’s heart towards his people. His utter concern for them as their Father and caretaker, and he like says a good 5 times to Moses to the people, that they just need to remember to not turn away from God and to remember the things that He did for them. Like FIVE TIMES! Which apparently, means a lot in Hebrew writing. I heard once repetition is like WRITING THINGS IN CAPITAL LETTERS. SO DANG. They still didn’t get the message though b/c they liked immediately served other gods.

I remember when I was younger, I’d be like, dood those Israelites are really stupid, don’t they get it after like the 10th time that it’s flippin easy? You just listen to what God says and you’re set. And now that I’m older, I know how stupid I am b/c I do the same thing, like ALL the time. Over and over again. Durrr.. just like the Israelites. Man, anyway. The Deut has some good stuffs in it.

SO what I really wanted to say was that this morning I threw up a random prayer (and seriously by now, I really should know that there’s no such thing as a random prayer and you really need to be careful about what you pray for) I was like, God give me a spirit of boldness and courage. Straight out of my journal:

“God, the condemnation, the ‘I should have done this better’, the beating up of myself is starting to creep in. I keep on thinking I need to do more, out of my Love for you Of Course. Jesus teach me to how to hear and obey, to go only when you say and not just force things out; God teach me what ‘doing my part’ means. Jesus grant me a prayerful heart and sensitive ears to do your will. God give me boldness and courage.”

So during dinner, I went out alone (yah b/c everyone already ate so I was a loner -_-‘ but I was determined to make it worth it so I was like, I’m going to pray the whole time I’m eating, so I won’t waste time daydreaming) to this really good bun and congee place. I sat down and prayed (deargodthx4foodblesspplwhomadeitamen) and hoped that someone had seen me pray and would ask me if I was Christian and I could bring them to Christ right then and there.

What ended up happening was I started praying for random things that came across my mind and then I noticed this girl across from me and I was like oh, she looks nice. Say “好吃吗? (Translation: Is that good (the food)?“ to her. Uhhhh.. no way God. Nowaynowaynoway what if she thinks I’m weird/crazy/whatifshedoesn’tunderstandmyCHINESE!! God she’s gonna give me a weird look. Ask her. NOOO aww God COMEONNN okay spiritofboldnessandcourage spiritofboldnessandcourage (Jared, totally thinking of you here) I can’t do it. God how about tomorrow. Pleaseeee. God she looks like she’s done eating she’ll probably leave, etc. etc. [All these thoughts seem like 4ever but really is like 1 min]

ANYWAY. Point being. I didn’t want to talk to random strangers with my crappy Chinese. Anyway what happened was that she ended up being the front desker person on the bottom of my international dorm and she had helped me on my first day moving in and she was looking for a language partner [surprise, surprise, I’ve been looking 4 one too and even applied for the program but they never got back to me] and she plans to go to Cornell and do hotel management and she loves English and she has a really good friend from LA going to NYU.

I hate it when God’s right. Haha jaykay, it makes for funny stories of how stubborn I am.

Oh yah, I did start the conversation with, “好吃吗？＂To which she responded in Chinese, “好吃。你是从哪一个国家来的？” (translation#1: yah it’s good. What country are you from? ) (translation#2: my Chinese failed)

(originally the post ends here. But God didn’t stop working:)

AND THE DAY DOESN’T END GOD YOU’RE SO AMAZING CRAZY CRAZY CRAZY CRAZY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, watching “stranger than fiction” which is an odd movie. Afterwards, a Korean friend notices that there’s Purpose Driven Life on the table which I didn’t even notice and asks. Jodi, my roommate, says she’s gonna read it b/c her friend asked her too. Afterwards, I talk to her and I find out:
-she grew up going to church
-she is really frustrated with the institution of church and doesn’t understand why the people in the church place blame on people who don’t go to church, who don’t pray for meals, etc. etc.
-also doesn’t understand why her understanding of a loving God but her Korean friend’s view of God is wrathful and vengeful
-she has a Korean friend who has been really stressed out by the church regulations and because of that my roommate is super concerned for her
-I share with her my testimony about church and PC and explain to her what a house church is
-she’s TOTALLY EXCITED she thinks it’s AWESOME and it’s SO COOL! And she wants me to meet her Korean friend
-I suggest that we have church in the room and she TOTALLY lights up and is like YAH THAT’D BE AWESOME let’s do it right after I come back from vacation, and I’ll invite my friends
-the best part: I DIDN’T DO ANYTHING!!!! IT WAS ALL GOD!!!!! And man, after that realization a couple weeks ago where God brought me to a point where I was fine not having any ministry, as long as this year I would get closer to God, man… this is that much better. Because, I don’t care whether this goes well or not, in terms of me. It doesn’t change ANYTHING because in the end, this year in China is gonna be worth it because during this year, I’m going to know God more and gonna continue being loved by Him and loving Him. Oh man, God is crazy.

Cool addendum: been praying MAD HARD for my roommate the quarter before or since I’ve known that I’d be coming to China. I felt when we met that this wasn’t going to work out ☺ she smokes and seems like a partier, were my initial thoughts. Turns out we’re SO alike it’s weird; both really love dance, are Daddy’s girls, and love to read avidly. Okay not that many things, but those are the most important to me ☺ She’s a total fashion diva, is putting on her own fashion show featuring H&M and other cool things (I derno, I’m pretty fashionally-retarded) so if you guys know any connections or whatevers, hit me up ☺oh yahs :)

keep us all in prayer por favor!! whatever this group turns out to be, house church or not, pray that GOd's will be done and His name be lifted high always :)

God, I pray that they will know You soo intimately, know who You are, know that You’re more and bigger than just a church. God I know this group will stretch me and pull me in ways I don’t want to be pulled, but God I’m keeping my eyes on You and stepping out in faith. Keep me humble please and obedient to You and You alone. God, more than anything, more than 10,000 churches, God, if only I can understand Your heartbeat, that’s all I want. I want You. God I pray that that’s all I ever want. Thank you for everything.

mooching.

2008-08-26T09:54:00.000-07:00

this is a mooch-off. from ex-roomie steph chiang :) i mooch alot b/c God gifted some people to express exactly what I wanted to express except I can't write as eloquently :D so God gifted me to mooch. hahaha sooo selfish... anyway:

When I say I'm having friend issues, I'm not really referring to the lack of people to hang out with on this lovely weathered Friday night. I mean to share with you all another epiphany I had the other day. After getting off the phone from a nice half-hour conversation with one of my best friends B------, I realize that she's one of my only girl friends left. When I say "left", I mean I graduated high school with a nice handful of close female friends and an entire sports team of about 30 girls on top of that, which is all now reduced to....well let's just say I don't need my toes to count them.

So I wonder, what went wrong? Or is it wrong to have mostly male friends? Considering I was a "tomboy" till I was in 7th grade, I guess I feel more comfortable around guys. Back home, I'm used to being "one of the guys", and it's not so different here. (My friends cringe when I wear pink or anything remotely feminine. Not to mention laugh when I attempt to wear makeup.) Is it my personality that has doomed me to a life of girlfriend-less-ness? Or is it something else? Am I doing everything wrong? I know that for girls, we're "supposed to" keep in touch by constantly sharing daily expiences and filling each other in with the major issues. Whereas guys are "supposed to" be able to remain buddies as long as they do things together, screw the "keeping in touch". Funny...that's my approach. If I haven't seen a girlfriend for a while, it's even easier for me to jump back into things since we'll have so much more to talk about. But somehow, this philosophy has left me with one close female friend who still calls me, and then two girls here at UCLA who I see regularly (one being my current roomate). Compare that to....15 males? that I talk to and/or see everyday. Strange.

(And I know this may seem completely irrelevant, but for a young woman who's entering her 20s it's a reasonable issue: WHO THE HELL WILL BE MY BRIDESMAIDS???? I'll have like.....oh well I guess it won't be that bad. I think I can manage to scrape together 5. Sad to say, it may be easier for me to have a bunch of guys be my "bridesmaids".)

But back to the issue: is gender really an issue in making friends? Does it really matter that I have no one to swoon over boys with, or do my hair, or play dress-up with? (YES I still like dress-up.) Sometimes I really miss having girl time. But most of the time, I'm rather loud and rough with my guy friends. Wrestling is fun, and there's always the game of "who can insult the other one better". One of the guys actually mentioned that I'm too "weird" to be considered a "hot girl". Darn. (I guess I could take that as a sort-of compliment that if I were to shut up and sit there like a lady I could be "hot") (haha yea right.) I think about the way I act on a daily basis, and hang my head in shame (all the while hiding a smirk). As J---- likes to put it, I "fail at being a girl."

yeah. i think all these weddings are making me think of my (hopefully) wedding in the future. and i realized that bridesmaids are an issue -_-' *sigh* the guy:girl ratio is getting better but still significantly tipped towards the male side. i'm workin on it... maybe i shouldn't be sticking with my philosophy that girls are more high maintenance than guys. that might help :) relationships are such hard workkkkkk.

YESSS i figured out how to make it English.

2008-07-31T23:47:00.000-07:00

awesomeness!!!

sometimes i feel like i could live this entire life without talking to anyone. i swear i'm growing more introverted everyday. other people make life so MESSY.

doubts, questions, apathy, falling again and again. through it all You shine... what a mystery. don't You get tired of it? I am... when am I ever going to be okay with where I am and what You've decided for me? when am I ever going to learn that I'm supposed to keeping my eyes on You, instead of constantly comparing myself with others? why can't I be CAPTIVATED?

this pride amazes me... never fails to surprise me with what it can do to my life...

Daddy, I need to be in your lap again. I forgot what that feels like.

flip. i need to just let You be You and me be me. what a control-freak i am.

lately, been thinkin a lot about verses that tell me to wait on him, put your hope in Him, argh. patience isn't my strong point. i just want this to be FINISHED. the journey is where you learn the most but ahhh the journey hurts. and frustrates me. and i can't see what's ahead, only what's behind.

stole this from tiff wong b/c it's how i feel:

this is the waiting period in life.
i've never had to wait so long
and i'm not even sure what i'm waiting for
but i'm still waiting cause there's nothing else to do but wait.

ppl here live for each day, and only each day. lives are so empty, work, go party, work, go party. so meaningless... who will go?

Update with pictures and vids :)

2008-07-23T00:49:00.000-07:00

soooo they actually exist... dog meat soup. but they apparently have been taken off all the official restaurants like this one that foreigners may go to.
these scorpions were MOVING. they fry it though before you eat it... but still!!! nasty...
they fry starfish tooo!!!!

Chinese-style Golden Arches
REAL PEKING DUCK!!
hamburgers-chinese style
my canto/spanish/english buddy shuyu :)
clubbin for the first time with the roomie!! girls at babyface #2 :)

i love my roommieee, alicee :)
overlooking beijing with canto buds :)
roomie driving at hou hai
bird's nest with courtney and rita on the side :P
hahaha soo cutee!!

so there was an awesomee zipline at the end of the 2 hr great wall hike and i recorded myself; best part of the great wall trip by farrr :D

mmm YUP there's lots more pictures and they'll be coming soon. inner mongolia tonight!!!!! laoshe tea house!!! sooo crazy cool hand puppets..

much love,
b3rn

learning Chinese and other things.

2008-07-21T06:01:00.000-07:00

just finished talking to ms. chai-lai, whose mind solely operates in english now after spending a year in berkeley and endless studies in english. that's my goal: for my mind to work in Chinese.

sometimes it seems so far away though, locals still can't understand me and i can barely have a conversation with anyone. i've been telling everyone that i feel like my english has deteriorated while my chinese hasn't improved at all, except my ability to listen to chinese. not that i should be complaining since i'm spending time right now blogging in english instead of practicing my chinese with someone...

Godwhereareyounow. i hate this "i have no G-spot" excuse, this passionless relationship, where i feel like we're on a flattttt plane and there are no mountains and valleys. i'd rather be going down b/c at least then i'm going somewhere... where are You now? i know i'm not supposed to compare myself with others, but God look at _______, ______, and ____!!! their love is so much greater, passion so much stronger, obedience so much... more obedient. i know... i feel like it'd be so easy to make "life more exciting" or whatever, just be obediant to whatever You're saying but #1 still suck at hearing your voice #2 fear of man still soo flippin big... oh God............. i feel like such a hopeless case.... haha. even now... after all you've done, spoken, whispered to me. why doesn't this love move me? shouldn't it be life-transforming? why this apathy? i don't have right answers anymore, even the "right ones" seem shallow to me, seem like excuses to me. i need some flippin' persecution or something?

this is how i feel. this is how i really feel. for most of the time. how can i share about an abundant life when i don't even know what that means in my own life? what hypocrisy! even after 20 years... i think this will be a bittersweet birthday. maybe i'm having a quarter-life crisis -_-'

God i know You know what You're doing. I just wish I did too... but then I wouldn't be here and You wouldn't be all the way up there. God I gotta admit, I defend Your name for You wayyy too much. probably because deep down i feel like it'll hurt my reputation too. the times i should pray for others but don't, really, it's because if their prayers aren't answered, then maybe i'm not spiritual enough. see how in all things I try to steal Your glory?!? what a wretch i am... I'm so lost, so unmotivated, so full of despair when looking at myself.

Trust Me. Wait on Me. Look to Me. It's about Me, not you. For My glory, not yours.

真糟糕!!!

2008-07-07T05:17:00.000-07:00

twilight by stephenie meyer. good fast read. total chickflick book. and it's gonna be a MOVIEEE. with a good-lookin guy.

i have so much time here in beijing. that's probably because i'm not studying as much as i should and i'm being a total loner. college has introverted me much.

reading the bro's blog; came across this passage that hit me so much with its honesty that i shed some tears. still wrestling with why this impacted me so:

if you could talk to jesus about one thing...

what would it be?

Am I a fraud?

Or are you pleased with me? If you are, can I hear you say it?

天父啊。