obligatory finals post, perhaps the last one

life is so uncertain. i don't know why i'm not freaking out. actually i do, because i know that you're going to take care of it :) it's a lovely feeling not stressing out about the future and just enjoying moment by moment. Thank you for that gift, Jesus :)

like i've said before, this quarter has probably been my most studious yet. probably a combination of living in the apartments, having been gone for a year, and not having the car these past couple of weeks so i can't go random places without a ride. blessing in disguise :P no matter how much i complain, Lord i know you know much better how I work. thank you for waking me up to study, for giving me alertness and a good brain to memorize stuff. i would really like to get all A's this quarter though :) for your glory. and it'd be nice to finish ucla strong. or u can just help me get in the accounting minor :P

Jesus, i'm awaiting the job that you have for me too. nothing has really happened so far but i know that's perfect timing because i wouldn't be able to commit to anything yet anyway. I'm just amazed how you work everything out, always exactly right. it's so nice to know you're in control :)

even with things concerning my heart right now, Lord, i'm trusting that my heart is distracted by one person so it won't be distracted with many. i mean, it's weird logic, but it works. i'm still holding out though Lord, and i know he's gonna be pretty amazing stuff :)

thank you Lord for a relatively warm apartment. haha even though it's cold as hell out there, it's not that bad in here. better than norcal home :P

thank you Lord for the tahoe trip to look forward to, time to just hang out with You and be with You and dance with You :) i'm excited to dance. and to dream. and just overall to spend time with you again. i know i haven't been very good with that, at least not in the "traditional" sense of spending time with you. i really want to get back into the Word. and I'd like another version of the Word that i can borrow. can you hook me up please? there's a lot of things that I'm sure you want to teach me and that i'm excited to learn too. many books to read, many hours to sleep, many conversations to be had. and maybe i shall ski.. perhaps.. :)

thank you Lord for a heart that feels, that is not TOO jaded, for your protection Lord. i know that if i had done things my own way, my heart would be in so much worse of a state. but you have been faithful and literally, kept the bois away :)

it's crunch time. 15 more hours for the hardest final. Jesus, i just need a little more focus and understanding. i really want to do well... if not, as long as you have the jobs lined up for me, that's fine too :P

i love you. bring daddy back home soon~
i love the way you move. i love the way you love me. i love the way you whisper my name. i love the way you love, period.

when she cries

its been a restful time being at home. for the first time, i didn't overschedule myself; in fact i just sorta hung out at home for most of the time besides seeing some church kids for a bit. i guess i'm learning how to value my family more.

in the midst of just spending time doing nothing, sleeping a lot, exercising and eating good food, there were several moments that i realized how being at home brought out the root of many of the heart issues. i mean, i could be completely over-analyzing many of this, but at home there's no bs. there's no sparing of feelings. things are just as they are. people don't beat around the bush. (people meaning my bros :P ) and so much of a mask that i put up during my other times just comes crashing down. it's true that people see who you really are when you're at home... they know when you're putting on a mask.

anyway, back to bondages. i've been seeing that much of my life is controlled and mastered by OBLIGATIONS. i keep thinking it's the whole asian christian daughter thing...

here's to lists:

obligated to be:

-good christian (reading the bible, praying, going to church [not so much anymore :p ], praying for revival and healing, spend time with the Holy Spirit to hear his voice more)

-good daughter (looking out for parents, more specifically, feeling pressure to graduate early to save mom money. thing is, even though they say that pressure is not there, their actions and words CLEARLY speak otherwise...)

-good Chinese (learn the language, keep the culture/customs alive for future generations especially since my bros don't care as much)

-good student (straight A's which leads to wonderful job）

-good employee (self-motivated, dedicated, attention to detail, loyal to company? [boss says that's old-fashioned])

-good sister (don't really know what this looks like... but the pressure is still there)

-good woman of God (submissive to future husband, learn to cook/clean/sew all that womenly stuff though i don't know if that's exactly credible either, might just be societal pressure)

-good friend (be there when people need you to be, drop everything to help your friends, good listener, strive to be the go-to person, discern when to be a listener and when to give advice)

i guess the one that popped up most during this weekend was the family one and not even for the above reason. i'm such an idealist... i always strive for that, even in what the fam looks like. i want everyone to drop everything for family first too. tension that i encountered was, what does it look like to put God first in that? i mean how can you argue with, i don't want to go to this family outing, i want to spend it with God? you can't argue against that and that's frustrating. it's like playing the God card... religion card.. whatever. it's just frustrating when that happens.

anyway. topic was thought up of because in a family where emotions are rarely talked about or shown, today, my mom cried. i thought about how weird it was for me to be comforting her, reversal of roles and all. but i was glad that she trusted me enough to let go, even if it was for a little bit. i hope she has a shoulder to cry on when she needs to (Jesus, this is your cue :) )

watched glee for the first time today (watched like 6 episodes). thought of you when quinn asked her dad to just let her crawl on his lap and be the little girl again. i miss you still. a lot. come home soon.

small consolation

i feel a little better that the interview status for jobs say "not invited" and not straight up "REJECTED WE DON'T WANT YOU". *sigh*

trying to trust You.

Today,

I lost a little hope. I questioned your timing, wondered why I'm still here and where I"m supposed to be going.

I questioned, today, whether you have heard and will answer my prayers. If you are, then please help me wait. I am quite terrible at that. And today, I was a product of the microwave, instant culture. I can not suffer for long, I've found, if you're not there to support me, to remind me and whisper in my ear that You're still here, Your word still stands, Your promises are still true.

I'm tired of holding on Jesus. Help.

Tears.

once in a while, i see something or someone or something happens that reminds me of you. The other day, I was watching a video from several years ago made by some church friends and you randomly popped up in the background. Tears kept coming for the rest of the video.

I wonder to myself if my faith is for nothing; everything seems to contradict with the Lord has told me about you. I want to believe; actually, I do believe. But once in a while, when I dwell in the circumstances too long, I get discouraged and question the Lord's timing and sovereignty.

For the sake of your dignity, I wish you didn't have to go through this humbling experience. But for the sake of our family, for your relationship with the Lord, for the sake of your spiritual well-being, I know that this is necessary. And yet it hurts. The process hurts. It hurts because whenever I think of you for too long or pray for you, my eyes tear up and my heart aches so much. I miss your presence, I miss your voice, I miss our times together, I miss sitting in your lap and just listening to you breathe. I even miss our arguments that show our shared stubbornness, your weirdness, your quirky sense of humor. I miss being embarrassed when you say something stupid in front of my friends and I roll my eyes. I miss the times when I don't even have to say anything and I just want you to hug me because I know that without saying anything you already understand what's going on. I miss the postcards you used to send me. I miss your really good spicy chicken wings. I miss you telling stories of me when I was a baby, how I always chose you over everyone else.

If only you had heeded the Father's warnings early on. If only you had maintained a soft heart towards His calling. But I also realize that your mentality and attitude towards Him is the same as yours towards your own father. And your earthly father was, unfortunately, terrible example of who God is as a father. The Lord is revolutionizing your view of Him. He's going to ravish your heart, ravish your mind until you are completely and utterly in love with Him. You're going to experience his love in a way that will blow your intellectual mind away. All those years in Sunday school, in church, all those years of head-knowledge will be blown away as you encounter the abounding and endless love of Your Lover. You will know so intimately His love for you. And it will naturally pour out of you into every area of your life. Your marriage, your relationships, your friendships, your view of the world, everything. There will be restoration. There will be dancing instead of mourning.

And on that day, I will know that all this pain was worth it. And on that day, I will cry tears of joy instead of tears of hurt. And I'm believing with all my heart that that day will come soon. Lord I'm holding on to what You've promised me. Even when the door looks shut, I know that victory is coming soon.

I can't believe it's been three years already. It's been a whole year since I have heard your voice. The memories are already starting to fade. I miss you so.

Lord, bring breakthrough. Humble his heart. Encounter him in a way that is undeniably you. I know You love him more than I could ever. He is, after all, Your creation, Your beloved, Your son.

I await for the prodigal to come home with open arms.

frustrated...

Lord, I know I should have more mercy, I know I should be more forgiving, I know I should be more understanding, I know I should more patient. She's hurting, she's going through a rough time, she has nobody to turn too, but therein lies my frustration. She DOES have someone to turn to, but she chooses not to, because of face, because of 面子, because of this stupid Chinese cultural stronghold that prevents her from being honest and transparent with what's going on. Lord, I hate "face"，I hate "saving face", I hate what that entire concept has done to make things worse. God, I know you are by her side, this is a battle that is already won, but then, why is it so frustrating!?!

this is purely a rant, a chance for me to write down stuff so I don't explode and regurgitate this on some poor soul. I guess, you my readers, are the poor souls :)

Lord, have mercy on me.

Happiness is...

eating free coffee cake and not feeling guilty about it :)
running how far i wanted to run and not stopping :)
spending lunch breaks lying on the grass enjoying the sun and the Son :)
walking home for work and knowing i can stop anywhere and stand there for a while :)
eating sophie's cake with tons of frosting for breakfast :)
home-made smoothies everydayyyy :)
watching sermons from bethel allllll day :)
dancing crazily when no one is watching :)
watching stephen chow be... stephen chow :)
seeing GOD stir things up in people :)
answered prayers!!!! :)
seeing the next generation get soooo rocked by GOD :)
being at a woman of GOd's wedding, knowing that we had prayed for her husband sooo much earlier in her life :)
talking to mom about how dorky brandon is :)
running through sprinklers and not caring :)
random encouraging texts from people whom I love and love me :)
jamming :)
cooking and not burning anything!! :)
hearing GOd's voice clearly 1000% w/o a doubt :D

when I'm content in Jesus and with what He's doing through me and in me~

Life is beautiful.