It's been a while. Can't believe 3 months have passed; life passes by so much more quickly when you don't have school and breaks to tell you that a quarter has ended and that you should prepare for the next one. Instead it just goes on and on and on...
Blogging because I read Jess' blog and that inspired me to write stuff. Plus I think i'm going to go crazy with these thoughts in my head...
JESUS. i don't know what to do. it looks like doors have closed for Samaritan's Purse so far; the Vietnam Office Manager position has been filled and the Haiti Office Manager position is not available right now. so i emailed julie to see what the options were for volunteering abroad, in the hopes that it'll become a full-time job.
Ugh. I mean i knew it wasn't going to be smooth sailing but this is just annoying -_-'. Let's see, I could overspiritualize and say that this is all because the Lord doesn't want me to go and that I'm trying too hard. Or I could point to the conversation that Jayon/Anita/Thao and I had on the way back from Mammoth, that I shouldn't feel guilty about having fun. Which I know i would if I decide to stay in LA with Jen, Sam, and crew. I mean it would be ridiculous fun and I know I would feel "guilty" sorta.. somehow... like christianity is all about being miserable. ugh.
But still, i feel like i'm supposed to be resting, aka doing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING and for some reason, I don't feel like I can do that in LA. i don't know if that's a lame excuse and maybe I just miss home or feel obligated to hang out with mom. but that one day that I did absolutely nothing all morning at mammoth but listen to worship music and stare at the sun and tan, wow, that made me want to just keep doing that foreverrr. and my heart was at peace. but the thing is my heart finds peace now and then during these days where i just go go go.
*sigh*. and part of it is that i feel like i'm getting closer to people at work. I don't know if that's just a mirage because of the incident-of-me-being-stupid or if i'm actually developing friendships there. part of THAT is me scheming and planning to see how many of those people i could convert aka have them know Jesus as their own personal savior, etc. like a good christian should and the other part is, it's just nice to make new friends and understand the stories that go behind each individual human heart that pounds there.
part of me wants to go back home and hang out with Brandon and other normal christians, because, surprise surprise i still deal with boldness issues and omgosh-they're-going-to-think-i'm-retarded-for-praying-in-public etc. etc. and i really think i just need to hang out with people who have conquered that and can push me. cause that makes me come alive, praying for people and setting people FREE. so much more alive than doing hr administrative things all day.
but that's the thing too, i LOVE MY FRIGGIN JOB. like seriously. i spent 12 hours working yesterday and loved every moment of it. that's the truth. i think i complain sometimes because it's the 'right thing to do' otherwise people will REALLY think i'm weird. ugh why does that even matter??
anyway, none of this matters, just thoughts as a part of the process. i have to wait and see what Julie says and then decide. the thing is, this decision affects so many things, not just my job any more. i will no longer have anything in common with people at work and most likely will never see any of them ever again. i'm not sure if i'm okay with that yet...
man. why do these decisions have to be so difficult... :( and it's not even like i can fall back on the 'what do you think god is saying' answer because He ain't sayin NOTHIN'. he's letting make this decision and i know he will bless me either way and that's not even something i'm dealing with now...
if only i hadn't bought the NY tickets lol. and if only the lease didn't end in september. i could wait indefinitely to make this decisions, but now i have to make a decision SOON. as in the next week.
why am i wavering now?? i was so sure last month and the many months before...
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