A hopeful week of snowboarding cut short by my first bout of food poisoning. I never thought i would feel that crappy :( Seriously, just lying in bed, trying to discern how my stomach would react to either 1. nothing, 2. gatorade, or 3. water for 8 hours is not how i want to spend my vacation.
On the bright side of things, i watched about 6 hours straight of "What Not to Wear", which the sister-in-law had recommended to my older brother and now he's a total fashionista (ish) :) It was very enlightening though; I've solidified the thought that I am, indeed, a visual learner and seeing all those examples of what to wear vs. what not to wear really helped.
Also, I watched 3 hours of "I can't believe I was Pregnant" (yes, TLC has a lot of interesting shows and I'm so lucky I don't own cable) Very interesting. I will definitely know if I am pregnant though (hopefully).
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Thoughts on God:
Listened to some good sermons. I think I need to start journaling again. Brandon got me this AWESOME gift of a personalized journal (with my email address on the back in case I lose it, very good foresight from him)AND personalized pens. TWO OF THEM. in case, of course, I lose one :) Besides the fact that the punk NEVER gets me gifts and that made me very giddy, he also wrote something on the cover which inspires me and yet is daunting. it says:
BERNICE LEE
COMPOSING HISTORY
That's scary.
Anyway, journaling has been the best way that I "pray"/commune with the Lord, wtv. mostly because i write whatever comes to my mind, without any editing. haven't done that and/or official devos for all of 2010 and should probably start in 2011. Not that I've been officially backsliding anyway (brandon/his house have decided [ and i agree] that there isn't such thing as backsliding, just deliberately disobeying the lord), no more than usual?
purposefully disobeying, mostly in the praying, no, commanding of sickness to leave. i just can't approach strangers yet; fear of man still grips me and performance mentality is not far behind. still, how long can i hide behind these two excuses/reasons? i can't live the rest of my life like this...
oh another epiphany. i can't use my phone as my bible. i mean, it's really just not the same as having an actual book in front of me where i can flip to random pages... maybe that's why i can't get a kindle :)
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Thoughts on future:
Pretty set on going to China in June. don't know how it'll pan out; meeting with Peter Gent in the next couple of weeks to talk further about GlobalGent as well as Daybreak Asia. And i am SO FRIGGIN EXCITED! so much more than haiti lol.
Mom keeps asking me, why do you want to go to China? what calls you there?
that's one of the questions on the application. and i have no idea. i hate the whole "calling" terminology. I have no idea if i'm called to China. I could be equally be called to Africa. I just know I'm NOT called to the U.S. lol.
When pressed to think about it, i think i want to go to China there is a familiarity to it and yet newness to it. I explained it really well to Sarah and she totally got why I was so excited to go but that was a 5 hour car ride up to San Jose from LA and I can't really convey that over text. Anyway, she got it. so it must exist, lol.
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Thoughts on family:
Understanding more and more why Mom wanted us to just "hang out", even if we're not doing anything. even brandon is surprising me with the constant questioning of why benson isn't with us hehe. AND i really want to say I told you so but i won't because, all in good time, but brandon is finally understanding the value of relationship. Of course, it's all in context of transforming lives, etc., but at least now he gets why I used to hang out with people all the time. Plus, it's interesting to see him going out ALL the time and me being the one staying at home. Also, i feel old, because i used to think benson was weird/not cool for never going out to hang out with his high school friends when he was here in San Jose.
Love&Respect has been the book of favorite topic these past couple of days. Brandon recommended it to me last Saturday, read through most of it, bought a copy that night for mom to read it and she just finished today. I had so much HOPE for the book, but yet again, i re-learn the fact that I can't put my expectations on her. she totally didn't get any of the stuff that i was hoping to get. i know, maybe my idealistic side was expecting her to write a very respectful email to dad and for him to reply and they don't get divorced.
didn't happen.
and the divorce STILL isn't final... hilarious to me of course :) frustrating for the moms. the papers have gotten lost in the mail hehe.
anyway, even if it's official, i'm still not losing hope. dreamt about him 2 days ago, that i ran into him in china and he said that he's just been on many business trips across china. i saw a commercial about dads on tlc and i totally teared up. the commercial was like... 10 seconds long, if even.
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Thoughts on boys:
there's something i want to say about someone, but for fear that he may run across this, i am not going to post it. ask me if you're interested hehe :P
on something completely related, i do admire tenacity of men pursuing women.
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thoughts on writing:
I HATE IT. seriously, bane of my existence. I'm writing something for Felix's memorial book thing and AUGH all the words aren't even coming CLOSE to expressing what i want to express. -_-' annoyed. none of it FLOWS or any crap like that.
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thoughts on food poisoning:
i am very annoyed how my appetite and stomach has shrunk. good thing i didn't have to eat any crazy christmas feast or i would've been even more bummed. right now, i'm hungry enough to eat one meal a day and the rest of the day i'm like ughhh...
although, i could see how this might be good for weight loss... not that i'm fat, i just sometimes wonder how i could have gained 10 pounds in the past 7 years and have not fluctuated from it.
i'm joining the gym in january. hopefully will get a good deal.
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thoughts on christmas shopping:
okay, i hate shopping. but christmas shopping is like shopping x 20 (people) because you have to figure out what a good GIFT is. argh!
i think that everyone should have wishlists posted so that you can just get something on the list and you know they'll be happy and like it.
on the flip side, when benson asked me to make a wishlist, it was REALLY HARD. the list i sent him 3 days later was still the same that i told him on that day: battery for my laptop cause mine has died... and that's it. lol. talking to brandon about it later, and totally agreed: everything i want is at least like $1000. like a round trip to china so i can visit people. or flights from san jose to la for the next 2 weddings i'm going to (yayyy matt and quoc, gonna be awesome!!!) or an ipad which is totally unnecessary.
i think he's going to get my boots. cause i tore mine 2 years ago. and i still work at a fashion company. ugh don't get me started on fashion....
so yes. i think everyone should have a wishlist. it seriously makes shopping so much easier. surprisingly, the easiest person to shop for was my boss because she's pregnant and someone mentioned i should get lotion for pregnant people.
okay, finally going to hang out with people. first time this break!!!!
you are awesome if you read this fat thing :)
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