1. I'm not as ready as I thought I would be to hang out with a ton of kids (either having a ton of kids or being a part of an orphanage). and i'm not as naive as i once was. and i'm not good at receiving. guess that's 3 things.
Been spending numerous hours with the 8-year-old cousin who is cute as can be but has decided that I am his new best friend. i'm even his password to the computer. but whether it's the world's ugliness or just my deepest darkest part of me, i automatically revert to the worst possible scenario where... not even worth mentioning. and then i have to stop myself and wonder why i can't just believe that this is an innocent child that is loving on me unconditionally even when i'm a total brat and i can't receive that. i can't receive his constant declarations of love over me, his constant need to lay on my lap, his constant screams of happiness when he sees me. nope. twisted twisted world has warped my thinking. ugh, disgusting... and yet not too far from reality today. i read somewhere on a "post secret's" thing that scared, disgusted and shocked me into what really goes on: "the day that i found out my cousin had feelings for me was the day i wanted to disappear and never be found". shit happens.
oh and receiving. even at the goodbye parties that were thrown for me, i felt like an outsider. when they were praying for me, i felt like i was praying for someone else. somehow, i'm still unable to fully receive or at least be present? not really sure... all i know is that sometimes tears are enough.
2. i pretty much need to always be #1 in everyone's life. otherwise i get sad. and feel rejected.
like seriously, i really CAN'T be everyone's best friend but i definitely feel like crap when i'm not the #1 or #2 person to know something in their life. whether it's with my mom or someone else that i thought i was "close to", i throw a mini-pity party when i find out something 3 days later than i thought i should have. aiyah.
3. no matter how much i rationalize how i should act, my emotions pretty much usually over-rule it.
case in point: boy ____. i thought, well obviously he is going to have a ton of girls all over him, he's a hot commodity and i definitely don't want to be one of those girls. there's a bajillion fish in the sea and i know God will set me up with whoever I'm supposed to be.
then i get a chance to chat with him for an hour and what happens? i turn the flirt on. yup, that's right, i did the high giggly voice and the laughing at his jokes and the "trying to be myself" which really means making him feel amazing and smart and funny (which he is!!!). aiyah. and really, hanging out with him in close quarters this summer is not really going to be helpful -_-' there will be no other fish in the sea and then it's just going to be my flirty self and there'll be no one to call me out on my bullshit b/c kwan won't be there and the other girls will just judge me (there goes the flirty one) just as i have judged others in the past. GOD help me. help him too haha to not fall for it and to see right through the selfishness of it all.
this is authenticity lol. vulnerability, etc. at its best.
and the truth? i'm friggin excited about China and i can't wait to get settled in. the possibilities, the opportunities, the experiences. it's going to be bomb-diggity.
3/06/2011
3 months...
3 months ago and in 3 months, so much has happened and will happen.
CHINA. just bought my ticket to hong kong, which will lead to a taiwan and me ending ultimately in beijing. i am ready to go, but i have 3 months to go... Lord my heart is already there, I feel. That's where all my day dreams are. I feel like my one year there was so short! Not nearly enough time... I am so excited to work, to live life, to try new things, to get lost in the city, to not be (really) accountable to ANYONE :D groupon?? :)
WORK. so much change in one week, new boss, new managing style, more things to do, more involvement and i LOVE it. i'm sad to leave but it'll be perfect transition time for Kate to get used to a new HR person when she gets back.
PEOPLE. my heart has been enlarged so much this past year, these past 3 months. my heart CARES, aches and worries. i never knew i could care so much for people whom I have known for such a short time. when i pray for these people, my heart readily goes out and SCREAMS when. when will they be satisfied, when will they be truly happy, when will they see that there is more to life than the next shoe that they buy. i see more emptiness in lives the more time i spend with people who do not know that there is more to life. how sheltered i've been, in so many ways. the more i'm exposed to the world and learn more about it, the more sad i feel.
GOD. it is so hard to see you in my workplace, in my day to day. as churchtime lessens, as i spend less time with people who constantly talk about God, my eyes have had to be readjusted this past year and it is still being readjusted. God, how to see you in the everyday, boring routines of life?
time only moves forward.
God brought the image of me as a 4th grade, lying in the sun at my old old house, with shorts and shirt, tanning, reading. 15 years, it's been. and some things never change. lol no wonder beryl and diana thought i was so weird falling asleep in the middle of the apt in shorts and a tshirt reading. really, i've always been like that :)
everything has been very $$-focused lately. not enough me and God time focused. and it's just that with $$ i see results, quickly. with relationships, not so much; with relationship with God, i feel like i've hit a wall. when really i haven't, it's just not like it used to be. but i constantly look backwards instead of forwards. I dwell and sometimes in live in memories.
"Forget the former things; do not dwell in the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now, it springs up; do you not perceive it?"
God, give me eyes to perceive.
May those who hope in you not be disgraced because of me, O Lord, the Lord Almighty; may those who seek You not be put to shame because of me, O God of Israel.
But you promise: 'those who hope in me will not be disappointed' and 'those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength'.
And you tell me: Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way tot the Lord; trust him and he will do this: He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun. Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him; do not fret when men succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes.
So make my righteousness shine like the dawn. I trust you and I will attempt to do good.
Seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
Your love is pure. Your love is precious. Your love is all I need.
Your love surrounds me. Your love astounds me. Your love is everything.
I run to you, my heart is weak, I cling to you, You're all I seek.
It's my heart's desire to be close to you, here in your arms, I find my strength.
Everything I want, everything I hope in, everything my heart cries out for.
CHINA. just bought my ticket to hong kong, which will lead to a taiwan and me ending ultimately in beijing. i am ready to go, but i have 3 months to go... Lord my heart is already there, I feel. That's where all my day dreams are. I feel like my one year there was so short! Not nearly enough time... I am so excited to work, to live life, to try new things, to get lost in the city, to not be (really) accountable to ANYONE :D groupon?? :)
WORK. so much change in one week, new boss, new managing style, more things to do, more involvement and i LOVE it. i'm sad to leave but it'll be perfect transition time for Kate to get used to a new HR person when she gets back.
PEOPLE. my heart has been enlarged so much this past year, these past 3 months. my heart CARES, aches and worries. i never knew i could care so much for people whom I have known for such a short time. when i pray for these people, my heart readily goes out and SCREAMS when. when will they be satisfied, when will they be truly happy, when will they see that there is more to life than the next shoe that they buy. i see more emptiness in lives the more time i spend with people who do not know that there is more to life. how sheltered i've been, in so many ways. the more i'm exposed to the world and learn more about it, the more sad i feel.
GOD. it is so hard to see you in my workplace, in my day to day. as churchtime lessens, as i spend less time with people who constantly talk about God, my eyes have had to be readjusted this past year and it is still being readjusted. God, how to see you in the everyday, boring routines of life?
time only moves forward.
God brought the image of me as a 4th grade, lying in the sun at my old old house, with shorts and shirt, tanning, reading. 15 years, it's been. and some things never change. lol no wonder beryl and diana thought i was so weird falling asleep in the middle of the apt in shorts and a tshirt reading. really, i've always been like that :)
everything has been very $$-focused lately. not enough me and God time focused. and it's just that with $$ i see results, quickly. with relationships, not so much; with relationship with God, i feel like i've hit a wall. when really i haven't, it's just not like it used to be. but i constantly look backwards instead of forwards. I dwell and sometimes in live in memories.
"Forget the former things; do not dwell in the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now, it springs up; do you not perceive it?"
God, give me eyes to perceive.
May those who hope in you not be disgraced because of me, O Lord, the Lord Almighty; may those who seek You not be put to shame because of me, O God of Israel.
But you promise: 'those who hope in me will not be disappointed' and 'those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength'.
And you tell me: Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way tot the Lord; trust him and he will do this: He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun. Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him; do not fret when men succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes.
So make my righteousness shine like the dawn. I trust you and I will attempt to do good.
Seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
Your love is pure. Your love is precious. Your love is all I need.
Your love surrounds me. Your love astounds me. Your love is everything.
I run to you, my heart is weak, I cling to you, You're all I seek.
It's my heart's desire to be close to you, here in your arms, I find my strength.
Everything I want, everything I hope in, everything my heart cries out for.
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