1. I'm not as ready as I thought I would be to hang out with a ton of kids (either having a ton of kids or being a part of an orphanage). and i'm not as naive as i once was. and i'm not good at receiving. guess that's 3 things.
Been spending numerous hours with the 8-year-old cousin who is cute as can be but has decided that I am his new best friend. i'm even his password to the computer. but whether it's the world's ugliness or just my deepest darkest part of me, i automatically revert to the worst possible scenario where... not even worth mentioning. and then i have to stop myself and wonder why i can't just believe that this is an innocent child that is loving on me unconditionally even when i'm a total brat and i can't receive that. i can't receive his constant declarations of love over me, his constant need to lay on my lap, his constant screams of happiness when he sees me. nope. twisted twisted world has warped my thinking. ugh, disgusting... and yet not too far from reality today. i read somewhere on a "post secret's" thing that scared, disgusted and shocked me into what really goes on: "the day that i found out my cousin had feelings for me was the day i wanted to disappear and never be found". shit happens.
oh and receiving. even at the goodbye parties that were thrown for me, i felt like an outsider. when they were praying for me, i felt like i was praying for someone else. somehow, i'm still unable to fully receive or at least be present? not really sure... all i know is that sometimes tears are enough.
2. i pretty much need to always be #1 in everyone's life. otherwise i get sad. and feel rejected.
like seriously, i really CAN'T be everyone's best friend but i definitely feel like crap when i'm not the #1 or #2 person to know something in their life. whether it's with my mom or someone else that i thought i was "close to", i throw a mini-pity party when i find out something 3 days later than i thought i should have. aiyah.
3. no matter how much i rationalize how i should act, my emotions pretty much usually over-rule it.
case in point: boy ____. i thought, well obviously he is going to have a ton of girls all over him, he's a hot commodity and i definitely don't want to be one of those girls. there's a bajillion fish in the sea and i know God will set me up with whoever I'm supposed to be.
then i get a chance to chat with him for an hour and what happens? i turn the flirt on. yup, that's right, i did the high giggly voice and the laughing at his jokes and the "trying to be myself" which really means making him feel amazing and smart and funny (which he is!!!). aiyah. and really, hanging out with him in close quarters this summer is not really going to be helpful -_-' there will be no other fish in the sea and then it's just going to be my flirty self and there'll be no one to call me out on my bullshit b/c kwan won't be there and the other girls will just judge me (there goes the flirty one) just as i have judged others in the past. GOD help me. help him too haha to not fall for it and to see right through the selfishness of it all.
this is authenticity lol. vulnerability, etc. at its best.
and the truth? i'm friggin excited about China and i can't wait to get settled in. the possibilities, the opportunities, the experiences. it's going to be bomb-diggity.
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