what is this need to feel superior to others where as soon as I see someone/something, I automatically assign blame or judgment on them? I obviously think I'm God or something.
Lord please change my heart and eyes to see as You do. to see that judging them is to decide something that is out of my hands, and that i as Your creation, have no right to decide something about another one of Your creations. After all, i didn't create them.
i think i don't fear you enough. the concept of stealing your glory does not rattle me as much as it should.
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i'm really seeing the effects of not having a busy life. having too much free time is NOT a good thing. or maybe i just need to not ever have access to the internet -_-' the amount of time i waste on this is ridiculous.
i hate it when my emotions overrule the truths in my life.
ineedyousomuch,idontevenknowit.
5/13/2009
5/10/2009
just some thoughts
lately i've been struggling with staying in China. not physically; physically i love this place and i enjoy being here. but mentally, i've been in LA, specifically daydreaming about my last few months and what i hope to accomplish and what i want to do. it's been hard. i'm a daydreamer by nature; well more a planner, but that planning mentality often turns into daydreaming because i can't plan every single second with certainty and so i just start to imagine things.
i was talking to my lovely friend Jay (thanks for always listening to me rant and talk about ... my life... :) ) who has always been a great sounding board for how i think life should be and will be, even if he does laugh at most of them (i.e. me having kids in a couple years, yes i guess that is a bit laughable, especially since i might need to put them on a leash [they actually do that in china, i just saw it today] so that i won't lose them) about why i've been unable to concentrate on my studies. usually i love studying chinese and i wish i had more time in a day to do so, but lately, especially today and yesterday (i know my life is so exciting, things can change so quickly!) it's just been hard. i think that in addition to the fact that i hate writing essays in general has led to me being a butt and procrastinating and procrastinating. in case you were wondering, i still haven't started on this essay, which was due last week but yah.
anyway, point being, i was telling him bout how i miss la. but the thing is, i don't really miss ucla, the campus. i miss the people. and still, i talk enough to some people (not everyone i want to or nearly as much as i'd like) that i don't miss them and i'm sure they don't miss me that much. and at any given time of the day, i can just chat with them via aim/gchat whatever (shoot jay i'm starting to sound like you -_-')
i think the reason why i've been thinking about la so much is cause i want to move on. i was telling jay also that this sort of feeling happened senior year (it had a name back then, senioritis), right before i left for china last year, and it's happening again now. it's a season of change that i KNOW for sure is coming, not like other seasons in my life where things come and go, but this, i know the DATE of when i'm coming back (6/19) and all i keep thinking is.. 41 more days, 40 more days.
and for some reason, things just become less important here. i can't focus on the things here when i'm always thinking about the future. and that's the thing, i'm finding myself living more and more in the future or the past, and almost rarely in the present. and that scares me :-/
i don't know how to live in the present.
i don't even know what it means to do so.
and above all, i know a huge part of it has to do with my relationship with the big G. not going so well. but not sure why either. actually, maybe i just need a huge slice of humble pie. God derno what's going on :-/
i was talking to my lovely friend Jay (thanks for always listening to me rant and talk about ... my life... :) ) who has always been a great sounding board for how i think life should be and will be, even if he does laugh at most of them (i.e. me having kids in a couple years, yes i guess that is a bit laughable, especially since i might need to put them on a leash [they actually do that in china, i just saw it today] so that i won't lose them) about why i've been unable to concentrate on my studies. usually i love studying chinese and i wish i had more time in a day to do so, but lately, especially today and yesterday (i know my life is so exciting, things can change so quickly!) it's just been hard. i think that in addition to the fact that i hate writing essays in general has led to me being a butt and procrastinating and procrastinating. in case you were wondering, i still haven't started on this essay, which was due last week but yah.
anyway, point being, i was telling him bout how i miss la. but the thing is, i don't really miss ucla, the campus. i miss the people. and still, i talk enough to some people (not everyone i want to or nearly as much as i'd like) that i don't miss them and i'm sure they don't miss me that much. and at any given time of the day, i can just chat with them via aim/gchat whatever (shoot jay i'm starting to sound like you -_-')
i think the reason why i've been thinking about la so much is cause i want to move on. i was telling jay also that this sort of feeling happened senior year (it had a name back then, senioritis), right before i left for china last year, and it's happening again now. it's a season of change that i KNOW for sure is coming, not like other seasons in my life where things come and go, but this, i know the DATE of when i'm coming back (6/19) and all i keep thinking is.. 41 more days, 40 more days.
and for some reason, things just become less important here. i can't focus on the things here when i'm always thinking about the future. and that's the thing, i'm finding myself living more and more in the future or the past, and almost rarely in the present. and that scares me :-/
i don't know how to live in the present.
i don't even know what it means to do so.
and above all, i know a huge part of it has to do with my relationship with the big G. not going so well. but not sure why either. actually, maybe i just need a huge slice of humble pie. God derno what's going on :-/
5/04/2009
meaningless
dangit. it's starting again, i can feel it. where everything becomes with an "i don't care" attitude. i can tell cause i slept 18 hours today and missed all my classes cause i just didn't feel like going. 6 more weeks to go. i feel like this every time something in my life ends, like when i was just about to go to china last year, like when i was about to finish high school and move out. things just don't matter anymore and i just want to jump as soon as possible to the next stage.
argh. i suck at being patient Lord and "enjoying the process" has never been a strong point for me. help me out here, i don't want to mentally already be at LA when i still have so much time here. i need a kick in the butt and some hard-core discipline, in all areas of life right now. i don't want to be a fluctuating, up and down, independable, dothingsonlywhenshefeelslikeit, kind of person .
i am not a fan of feelings. they can't be trusted -_-'
argh. i suck at being patient Lord and "enjoying the process" has never been a strong point for me. help me out here, i don't want to mentally already be at LA when i still have so much time here. i need a kick in the butt and some hard-core discipline, in all areas of life right now. i don't want to be a fluctuating, up and down, independable, dothingsonlywhenshefeelslikeit, kind of person .
i am not a fan of feelings. they can't be trusted -_-'
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