You make all things beautiful

and you don't need my help to do that.

Oh Lord, in reflection of this past year, it's so true. You've shown me over and over and over again that it's not me but You. Especially these past couple of months, it's by your grace that i'm where i am right now and not somewhere so far away from you. or maybe I am far from you, but I don't feel like it because i know you're always with me.

Last night, a supposed night of debauchery and evilness full of lewdness and the like, turned out to be somewhat of a breakthrough and a time of contentment for me. When I decided to go out clubbing, my first prayers were GOD　help me not do anything stupid. To stand up for you, be a light. Oh but it was so EASY, I was so surprised, to just be me, to just be with You, to just enjoy life. I didn't have to struggled on my knees for long or with my conscious or with the image of what others thought of me. Lord there was a special freedom that you gave me last night, freedom to just be me and I LOVED it. to dance like crazy because i enjoy dancing even though there were so many watching although i probably looked incredibly silly and not "sexy" as i suppose girls should look. to dance because i love moving to the music, to go all out, to "lose inhibition" without alcohol, a bigger complement than she would ever know she gave me, to enjoy HK food, a small taste of home (even though they didn't have redbean bing) in a land far away, and it was FUN. oh it was so fun.

i've decided that i want to dance all out when i get the chance, whether in a worship service or in a club. i hope i have more chances in worship services. God i love this ability to move the body that you created.

Lord in my inability to do anything right and my constant selfish attitude these past couple of months, you're still moving. I don't know how or why and I'm definitely not worthy, but i guess that's not the point right?i never was, no matter how much I do or how much I'm doing right by you, You blessing me and You moving was never contigent on that. and now i'm EXPERIENCING that, not just knowing and Lord i hope i don't have to experience this much longer. I'm ready to move on, I hope i can move on, I don't want to be this self-centered for the rest of my life or at least constantly choosing to be self-centered as I've been. Lord I want to pour out what You've given me. I want to be rest though and really learn what means, to rest in You and not strive, not work out of my own power.

God i don't trust my feelings still. Though music does manipulate it, when it comes down to it, my actions reflect so much more of my words. And action is still the hardest thing to continue, to persevere in.

Last revelation: I'm still afraid of getting hurt. And any kind of relationship has a huge risk of that, and my desire is to run from anything that has risk. Never been a risk-taker, in stocks, money, or my heart. I guess that's why i hurt so many, run away from so many people, it's easier to deal with myself n You Lord, I know you're perfect and that youll never hurt me. but these PEOPLE, i can't ever guarentee that, they hurt me without even knowing it, or maybe they do. what if they don't like me? what if they don't like me as much as i like them? what if they think ______ of me? o Lord why is it so important what other people think? why can't i ever just be content with you?

im going to get hurt. that's part of life. the question is how i'm going to deal with it. Lord, if being close to people will ultimately lead back to you, then I'm ready for it. bring it on, but you know how much i can deal with.

okay, that was the second last to revelation, another one i just want to say: for those friendships that I feel that they "need" me, that without me their life would be a little less, God i gotta be honest, i like that power. i'm still power-hungry. I'm still control-hungry. and having that tiny bit of control and influence in their life, i like it . but then more of me, means less of You.

shame. guilt. i messed up Lord. and i know i'm going to mess up again today, probably consciously. and yet you knew this and still chose to love me. i dont' think i'll ever understand why you choose to love a flawed people who will most likely hurt you many times. and yet you still choose to love courageously and boldly. i WANT to be able to do that Lord. somehow...

still so long to go Lord. so long...