Tears.

once in a while, i see something or someone or something happens that reminds me of you. The other day, I was watching a video from several years ago made by some church friends and you randomly popped up in the background. Tears kept coming for the rest of the video.

I wonder to myself if my faith is for nothing; everything seems to contradict with the Lord has told me about you. I want to believe; actually, I do believe. But once in a while, when I dwell in the circumstances too long, I get discouraged and question the Lord's timing and sovereignty.

For the sake of your dignity, I wish you didn't have to go through this humbling experience. But for the sake of our family, for your relationship with the Lord, for the sake of your spiritual well-being, I know that this is necessary. And yet it hurts. The process hurts. It hurts because whenever I think of you for too long or pray for you, my eyes tear up and my heart aches so much. I miss your presence, I miss your voice, I miss our times together, I miss sitting in your lap and just listening to you breathe. I even miss our arguments that show our shared stubbornness, your weirdness, your quirky sense of humor. I miss being embarrassed when you say something stupid in front of my friends and I roll my eyes. I miss the times when I don't even have to say anything and I just want you to hug me because I know that without saying anything you already understand what's going on. I miss the postcards you used to send me. I miss your really good spicy chicken wings. I miss you telling stories of me when I was a baby, how I always chose you over everyone else.

If only you had heeded the Father's warnings early on. If only you had maintained a soft heart towards His calling. But I also realize that your mentality and attitude towards Him is the same as yours towards your own father. And your earthly father was, unfortunately, terrible example of who God is as a father. The Lord is revolutionizing your view of Him. He's going to ravish your heart, ravish your mind until you are completely and utterly in love with Him. You're going to experience his love in a way that will blow your intellectual mind away. All those years in Sunday school, in church, all those years of head-knowledge will be blown away as you encounter the abounding and endless love of Your Lover. You will know so intimately His love for you. And it will naturally pour out of you into every area of your life. Your marriage, your relationships, your friendships, your view of the world, everything. There will be restoration. There will be dancing instead of mourning.

And on that day, I will know that all this pain was worth it. And on that day, I will cry tears of joy instead of tears of hurt. And I'm believing with all my heart that that day will come soon. Lord I'm holding on to what You've promised me. Even when the door looks shut, I know that victory is coming soon.

I can't believe it's been three years already. It's been a whole year since I have heard your voice. The memories are already starting to fade. I miss you so.

Lord, bring breakthrough. Humble his heart. Encounter him in a way that is undeniably you. I know You love him more than I could ever. He is, after all, Your creation, Your beloved, Your son.

I await for the prodigal to come home with open arms.