in the midst of just spending time doing nothing, sleeping a lot, exercising and eating good food, there were several moments that i realized how being at home brought out the root of many of the heart issues. i mean, i could be completely over-analyzing many of this, but at home there's no bs. there's no sparing of feelings. things are just as they are. people don't beat around the bush. (people meaning my bros :P ) and so much of a mask that i put up during my other times just comes crashing down. it's true that people see who you really are when you're at home... they know when you're putting on a mask.
anyway, back to bondages. i've been seeing that much of my life is controlled and mastered by OBLIGATIONS. i keep thinking it's the whole asian christian daughter thing...
here's to lists:
obligated to be:
-good christian (reading the bible, praying, going to church [not so much anymore :p ], praying for revival and healing, spend time with the Holy Spirit to hear his voice more)
-good daughter (looking out for parents, more specifically, feeling pressure to graduate early to save mom money. thing is, even though they say that pressure is not there, their actions and words CLEARLY speak otherwise...)
-good Chinese (learn the language, keep the culture/customs alive for future generations especially since my bros don't care as much)
-good student (straight A's which leads to wonderful job）
-good employee (self-motivated, dedicated, attention to detail, loyal to company? [boss says that's old-fashioned])
-good sister (don't really know what this looks like... but the pressure is still there)
-good woman of God (submissive to future husband, learn to cook/clean/sew all that womenly stuff though i don't know if that's exactly credible either, might just be societal pressure)
-good friend (be there when people need you to be, drop everything to help your friends, good listener, strive to be the go-to person, discern when to be a listener and when to give advice)
i guess the one that popped up most during this weekend was the family one and not even for the above reason. i'm such an idealist... i always strive for that, even in what the fam looks like. i want everyone to drop everything for family first too. tension that i encountered was, what does it look like to put God first in that? i mean how can you argue with, i don't want to go to this family outing, i want to spend it with God? you can't argue against that and that's frustrating. it's like playing the God card... religion card.. whatever. it's just frustrating when that happens.
anyway. topic was thought up of because in a family where emotions are rarely talked about or shown, today, my mom cried. i thought about how weird it was for me to be comforting her, reversal of roles and all. but i was glad that she trusted me enough to let go, even if it was for a little bit. i hope she has a shoulder to cry on when she needs to (Jesus, this is your cue :) )
watched glee for the first time today (watched like 6 episodes). thought of you when quinn asked her dad to just let her crawl on his lap and be the little girl again. i miss you still. a lot. come home soon.
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