just watched date night. cute, not the typical chick flick. spent a day doing nothing, being irresponsible and not picking up the phone, beryl got mad and rightly so. it's been one of those days.
actually it's been one of those weeks. or maybe one of those seasons. it comes every 4 years, this being the second round of things and it usually happens around senior year. last time this happened, i had to go to a conference to get a rude awakening from the Lord. this time, i already know what i need to do but i've been putting it off.
i read a wrinkle in time today; never realized how many references to Christianity there were. or maybe i did and just forgot. anyway, i felt like meg when she was getting wrapped up in "The Dark Thing". i feel like i've been wrapped up in the dark thing lately. i feel like a star that's dying, sucking in all life around me until everything disappears.
half of me doesn't want to believe that these seasons can still exist. after all, if you have Jesus, shouldn't everything always be wonderful? i know the sunday school answer to that but i think i've let my expectations of myself go too high again. i always expect myself to be perfect, to not make mistakes, to be the girl who always did what everyone expected of her. and now i feel like i'm actively rebelling against that.
i've been flakey and irresponsible. because last month, someone commented on how dependable and un-flakey i was. i've been selfish and making everything about myself. because someone recently mentioned how unselfish i was. if only people knew, that all that is for me. the unselfishness, maybe 10% is for the Lord. but i think the other 90% is for me. it's that stupid Christianity checklist thing. God, i'm never going to be free from that.
so here i am, back again, for the umpteenth time. i'm pretty sure i can copy and paste that phrase since i use it so much, usually after i feel like crap and want to run away from the world and hide but know that i can't. Lord, i don't want to go to Haiti to run away from stuff, you know that. I don't want to go to Haiti just so i can escape the mundane life that i feel that i lead here. I don't want to go to Haiti and do the miracles that i feel i can't achieve here. I don't want to go to Haiti to run away from the friendships that I felt have failed here. I don't want to go to Haiti because I think that I will feel you closer there. And not Haiti, i just don't want to run away.
God. I need you more. More than yesterday. More than the air I breathe. More than anything. This is my song for the season. Things are so confusing and i don't want to rely on me "feeling" you or not. I want to be all that you imagined me to be, whether i feel like it or not. but God, right now i just feel like an irresponsible bum that's running away from all the hard things of life. or maybe running away from the responsibilities of adulthood. and drowning my "sorrows" or complaints in movies and tv is a momentary answer. but they come right back when those end.
i'm putting much hope in taking the bus back and forth to work starting on Tuesday. I am expecting you to show up on the bus and i expect that our relationship will grow that much stronger. i expect to start working out on tuesday. i expect to be unafraid starting June 1st, to go and pray for people not because i have to, but because it's a part of me. i expect to be bold at work, which in even typing that phrase, freaks me out. i expect to be on top of things, to eat healthy, to exercise, to be there for everyone who needs me, to be a light in the darkness and be excellent in all i do, to be prophetic in all i say, to be the perfect friend, christian, daughter, sister, employee, etc.
and all that will fail me and i will be hard on myself for failing again and this cycle will repeat itself.
i don't know, God. Don't know how you do this.
i just want to jump into that ocean of endless love and stay there until i can love again. i want to stay there and pause life until i'm filled again. i need to. i don't know how though.
help
me
in every single area of my life God i need you more.
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