1. I'm not as ready as I thought I would be to hang out with a ton of kids (either having a ton of kids or being a part of an orphanage). and i'm not as naive as i once was. and i'm not good at receiving. guess that's 3 things.
Been spending numerous hours with the 8-year-old cousin who is cute as can be but has decided that I am his new best friend. i'm even his password to the computer. but whether it's the world's ugliness or just my deepest darkest part of me, i automatically revert to the worst possible scenario where... not even worth mentioning. and then i have to stop myself and wonder why i can't just believe that this is an innocent child that is loving on me unconditionally even when i'm a total brat and i can't receive that. i can't receive his constant declarations of love over me, his constant need to lay on my lap, his constant screams of happiness when he sees me. nope. twisted twisted world has warped my thinking. ugh, disgusting... and yet not too far from reality today. i read somewhere on a "post secret's" thing that scared, disgusted and shocked me into what really goes on: "the day that i found out my cousin had feelings for me was the day i wanted to disappear and never be found". shit happens.
oh and receiving. even at the goodbye parties that were thrown for me, i felt like an outsider. when they were praying for me, i felt like i was praying for someone else. somehow, i'm still unable to fully receive or at least be present? not really sure... all i know is that sometimes tears are enough.
2. i pretty much need to always be #1 in everyone's life. otherwise i get sad. and feel rejected.
like seriously, i really CAN'T be everyone's best friend but i definitely feel like crap when i'm not the #1 or #2 person to know something in their life. whether it's with my mom or someone else that i thought i was "close to", i throw a mini-pity party when i find out something 3 days later than i thought i should have. aiyah.
3. no matter how much i rationalize how i should act, my emotions pretty much usually over-rule it.
case in point: boy ____. i thought, well obviously he is going to have a ton of girls all over him, he's a hot commodity and i definitely don't want to be one of those girls. there's a bajillion fish in the sea and i know God will set me up with whoever I'm supposed to be.
then i get a chance to chat with him for an hour and what happens? i turn the flirt on. yup, that's right, i did the high giggly voice and the laughing at his jokes and the "trying to be myself" which really means making him feel amazing and smart and funny (which he is!!!). aiyah. and really, hanging out with him in close quarters this summer is not really going to be helpful -_-' there will be no other fish in the sea and then it's just going to be my flirty self and there'll be no one to call me out on my bullshit b/c kwan won't be there and the other girls will just judge me (there goes the flirty one) just as i have judged others in the past. GOD help me. help him too haha to not fall for it and to see right through the selfishness of it all.
this is authenticity lol. vulnerability, etc. at its best.
and the truth? i'm friggin excited about China and i can't wait to get settled in. the possibilities, the opportunities, the experiences. it's going to be bomb-diggity.
3/06/2011
3 months...
3 months ago and in 3 months, so much has happened and will happen.
CHINA. just bought my ticket to hong kong, which will lead to a taiwan and me ending ultimately in beijing. i am ready to go, but i have 3 months to go... Lord my heart is already there, I feel. That's where all my day dreams are. I feel like my one year there was so short! Not nearly enough time... I am so excited to work, to live life, to try new things, to get lost in the city, to not be (really) accountable to ANYONE :D groupon?? :)
WORK. so much change in one week, new boss, new managing style, more things to do, more involvement and i LOVE it. i'm sad to leave but it'll be perfect transition time for Kate to get used to a new HR person when she gets back.
PEOPLE. my heart has been enlarged so much this past year, these past 3 months. my heart CARES, aches and worries. i never knew i could care so much for people whom I have known for such a short time. when i pray for these people, my heart readily goes out and SCREAMS when. when will they be satisfied, when will they be truly happy, when will they see that there is more to life than the next shoe that they buy. i see more emptiness in lives the more time i spend with people who do not know that there is more to life. how sheltered i've been, in so many ways. the more i'm exposed to the world and learn more about it, the more sad i feel.
GOD. it is so hard to see you in my workplace, in my day to day. as churchtime lessens, as i spend less time with people who constantly talk about God, my eyes have had to be readjusted this past year and it is still being readjusted. God, how to see you in the everyday, boring routines of life?
time only moves forward.
God brought the image of me as a 4th grade, lying in the sun at my old old house, with shorts and shirt, tanning, reading. 15 years, it's been. and some things never change. lol no wonder beryl and diana thought i was so weird falling asleep in the middle of the apt in shorts and a tshirt reading. really, i've always been like that :)
everything has been very $$-focused lately. not enough me and God time focused. and it's just that with $$ i see results, quickly. with relationships, not so much; with relationship with God, i feel like i've hit a wall. when really i haven't, it's just not like it used to be. but i constantly look backwards instead of forwards. I dwell and sometimes in live in memories.
"Forget the former things; do not dwell in the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now, it springs up; do you not perceive it?"
God, give me eyes to perceive.
May those who hope in you not be disgraced because of me, O Lord, the Lord Almighty; may those who seek You not be put to shame because of me, O God of Israel.
But you promise: 'those who hope in me will not be disappointed' and 'those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength'.
And you tell me: Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way tot the Lord; trust him and he will do this: He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun. Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him; do not fret when men succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes.
So make my righteousness shine like the dawn. I trust you and I will attempt to do good.
Seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
Your love is pure. Your love is precious. Your love is all I need.
Your love surrounds me. Your love astounds me. Your love is everything.
I run to you, my heart is weak, I cling to you, You're all I seek.
It's my heart's desire to be close to you, here in your arms, I find my strength.
Everything I want, everything I hope in, everything my heart cries out for.
CHINA. just bought my ticket to hong kong, which will lead to a taiwan and me ending ultimately in beijing. i am ready to go, but i have 3 months to go... Lord my heart is already there, I feel. That's where all my day dreams are. I feel like my one year there was so short! Not nearly enough time... I am so excited to work, to live life, to try new things, to get lost in the city, to not be (really) accountable to ANYONE :D groupon?? :)
WORK. so much change in one week, new boss, new managing style, more things to do, more involvement and i LOVE it. i'm sad to leave but it'll be perfect transition time for Kate to get used to a new HR person when she gets back.
PEOPLE. my heart has been enlarged so much this past year, these past 3 months. my heart CARES, aches and worries. i never knew i could care so much for people whom I have known for such a short time. when i pray for these people, my heart readily goes out and SCREAMS when. when will they be satisfied, when will they be truly happy, when will they see that there is more to life than the next shoe that they buy. i see more emptiness in lives the more time i spend with people who do not know that there is more to life. how sheltered i've been, in so many ways. the more i'm exposed to the world and learn more about it, the more sad i feel.
GOD. it is so hard to see you in my workplace, in my day to day. as churchtime lessens, as i spend less time with people who constantly talk about God, my eyes have had to be readjusted this past year and it is still being readjusted. God, how to see you in the everyday, boring routines of life?
time only moves forward.
God brought the image of me as a 4th grade, lying in the sun at my old old house, with shorts and shirt, tanning, reading. 15 years, it's been. and some things never change. lol no wonder beryl and diana thought i was so weird falling asleep in the middle of the apt in shorts and a tshirt reading. really, i've always been like that :)
everything has been very $$-focused lately. not enough me and God time focused. and it's just that with $$ i see results, quickly. with relationships, not so much; with relationship with God, i feel like i've hit a wall. when really i haven't, it's just not like it used to be. but i constantly look backwards instead of forwards. I dwell and sometimes in live in memories.
"Forget the former things; do not dwell in the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now, it springs up; do you not perceive it?"
God, give me eyes to perceive.
May those who hope in you not be disgraced because of me, O Lord, the Lord Almighty; may those who seek You not be put to shame because of me, O God of Israel.
But you promise: 'those who hope in me will not be disappointed' and 'those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength'.
And you tell me: Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way tot the Lord; trust him and he will do this: He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun. Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him; do not fret when men succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes.
So make my righteousness shine like the dawn. I trust you and I will attempt to do good.
Seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
Your love is pure. Your love is precious. Your love is all I need.
Your love surrounds me. Your love astounds me. Your love is everything.
I run to you, my heart is weak, I cling to you, You're all I seek.
It's my heart's desire to be close to you, here in your arms, I find my strength.
Everything I want, everything I hope in, everything my heart cries out for.
12/24/2010
Christmas '10 ramblings/thoughts on random stuff
A hopeful week of snowboarding cut short by my first bout of food poisoning. I never thought i would feel that crappy :( Seriously, just lying in bed, trying to discern how my stomach would react to either 1. nothing, 2. gatorade, or 3. water for 8 hours is not how i want to spend my vacation.
On the bright side of things, i watched about 6 hours straight of "What Not to Wear", which the sister-in-law had recommended to my older brother and now he's a total fashionista (ish) :) It was very enlightening though; I've solidified the thought that I am, indeed, a visual learner and seeing all those examples of what to wear vs. what not to wear really helped.
Also, I watched 3 hours of "I can't believe I was Pregnant" (yes, TLC has a lot of interesting shows and I'm so lucky I don't own cable) Very interesting. I will definitely know if I am pregnant though (hopefully).
---
Thoughts on God:
Listened to some good sermons. I think I need to start journaling again. Brandon got me this AWESOME gift of a personalized journal (with my email address on the back in case I lose it, very good foresight from him)AND personalized pens. TWO OF THEM. in case, of course, I lose one :) Besides the fact that the punk NEVER gets me gifts and that made me very giddy, he also wrote something on the cover which inspires me and yet is daunting. it says:
BERNICE LEE
COMPOSING HISTORY
That's scary.
Anyway, journaling has been the best way that I "pray"/commune with the Lord, wtv. mostly because i write whatever comes to my mind, without any editing. haven't done that and/or official devos for all of 2010 and should probably start in 2011. Not that I've been officially backsliding anyway (brandon/his house have decided [ and i agree] that there isn't such thing as backsliding, just deliberately disobeying the lord), no more than usual?
purposefully disobeying, mostly in the praying, no, commanding of sickness to leave. i just can't approach strangers yet; fear of man still grips me and performance mentality is not far behind. still, how long can i hide behind these two excuses/reasons? i can't live the rest of my life like this...
oh another epiphany. i can't use my phone as my bible. i mean, it's really just not the same as having an actual book in front of me where i can flip to random pages... maybe that's why i can't get a kindle :)
-----
Thoughts on future:
Pretty set on going to China in June. don't know how it'll pan out; meeting with Peter Gent in the next couple of weeks to talk further about GlobalGent as well as Daybreak Asia. And i am SO FRIGGIN EXCITED! so much more than haiti lol.
Mom keeps asking me, why do you want to go to China? what calls you there?
that's one of the questions on the application. and i have no idea. i hate the whole "calling" terminology. I have no idea if i'm called to China. I could be equally be called to Africa. I just know I'm NOT called to the U.S. lol.
When pressed to think about it, i think i want to go to China there is a familiarity to it and yet newness to it. I explained it really well to Sarah and she totally got why I was so excited to go but that was a 5 hour car ride up to San Jose from LA and I can't really convey that over text. Anyway, she got it. so it must exist, lol.
-----
Thoughts on family:
Understanding more and more why Mom wanted us to just "hang out", even if we're not doing anything. even brandon is surprising me with the constant questioning of why benson isn't with us hehe. AND i really want to say I told you so but i won't because, all in good time, but brandon is finally understanding the value of relationship. Of course, it's all in context of transforming lives, etc., but at least now he gets why I used to hang out with people all the time. Plus, it's interesting to see him going out ALL the time and me being the one staying at home. Also, i feel old, because i used to think benson was weird/not cool for never going out to hang out with his high school friends when he was here in San Jose.
Love&Respect has been the book of favorite topic these past couple of days. Brandon recommended it to me last Saturday, read through most of it, bought a copy that night for mom to read it and she just finished today. I had so much HOPE for the book, but yet again, i re-learn the fact that I can't put my expectations on her. she totally didn't get any of the stuff that i was hoping to get. i know, maybe my idealistic side was expecting her to write a very respectful email to dad and for him to reply and they don't get divorced.
didn't happen.
and the divorce STILL isn't final... hilarious to me of course :) frustrating for the moms. the papers have gotten lost in the mail hehe.
anyway, even if it's official, i'm still not losing hope. dreamt about him 2 days ago, that i ran into him in china and he said that he's just been on many business trips across china. i saw a commercial about dads on tlc and i totally teared up. the commercial was like... 10 seconds long, if even.
------
Thoughts on boys:
there's something i want to say about someone, but for fear that he may run across this, i am not going to post it. ask me if you're interested hehe :P
on something completely related, i do admire tenacity of men pursuing women.
----
thoughts on writing:
I HATE IT. seriously, bane of my existence. I'm writing something for Felix's memorial book thing and AUGH all the words aren't even coming CLOSE to expressing what i want to express. -_-' annoyed. none of it FLOWS or any crap like that.
----
thoughts on food poisoning:
i am very annoyed how my appetite and stomach has shrunk. good thing i didn't have to eat any crazy christmas feast or i would've been even more bummed. right now, i'm hungry enough to eat one meal a day and the rest of the day i'm like ughhh...
although, i could see how this might be good for weight loss... not that i'm fat, i just sometimes wonder how i could have gained 10 pounds in the past 7 years and have not fluctuated from it.
i'm joining the gym in january. hopefully will get a good deal.
-----
thoughts on christmas shopping:
okay, i hate shopping. but christmas shopping is like shopping x 20 (people) because you have to figure out what a good GIFT is. argh!
i think that everyone should have wishlists posted so that you can just get something on the list and you know they'll be happy and like it.
on the flip side, when benson asked me to make a wishlist, it was REALLY HARD. the list i sent him 3 days later was still the same that i told him on that day: battery for my laptop cause mine has died... and that's it. lol. talking to brandon about it later, and totally agreed: everything i want is at least like $1000. like a round trip to china so i can visit people. or flights from san jose to la for the next 2 weddings i'm going to (yayyy matt and quoc, gonna be awesome!!!) or an ipad which is totally unnecessary.
i think he's going to get my boots. cause i tore mine 2 years ago. and i still work at a fashion company. ugh don't get me started on fashion....
so yes. i think everyone should have a wishlist. it seriously makes shopping so much easier. surprisingly, the easiest person to shop for was my boss because she's pregnant and someone mentioned i should get lotion for pregnant people.
okay, finally going to hang out with people. first time this break!!!!
you are awesome if you read this fat thing :)
On the bright side of things, i watched about 6 hours straight of "What Not to Wear", which the sister-in-law had recommended to my older brother and now he's a total fashionista (ish) :) It was very enlightening though; I've solidified the thought that I am, indeed, a visual learner and seeing all those examples of what to wear vs. what not to wear really helped.
Also, I watched 3 hours of "I can't believe I was Pregnant" (yes, TLC has a lot of interesting shows and I'm so lucky I don't own cable) Very interesting. I will definitely know if I am pregnant though (hopefully).
---
Thoughts on God:
Listened to some good sermons. I think I need to start journaling again. Brandon got me this AWESOME gift of a personalized journal (with my email address on the back in case I lose it, very good foresight from him)AND personalized pens. TWO OF THEM. in case, of course, I lose one :) Besides the fact that the punk NEVER gets me gifts and that made me very giddy, he also wrote something on the cover which inspires me and yet is daunting. it says:
BERNICE LEE
COMPOSING HISTORY
That's scary.
Anyway, journaling has been the best way that I "pray"/commune with the Lord, wtv. mostly because i write whatever comes to my mind, without any editing. haven't done that and/or official devos for all of 2010 and should probably start in 2011. Not that I've been officially backsliding anyway (brandon/his house have decided [ and i agree] that there isn't such thing as backsliding, just deliberately disobeying the lord), no more than usual?
purposefully disobeying, mostly in the praying, no, commanding of sickness to leave. i just can't approach strangers yet; fear of man still grips me and performance mentality is not far behind. still, how long can i hide behind these two excuses/reasons? i can't live the rest of my life like this...
oh another epiphany. i can't use my phone as my bible. i mean, it's really just not the same as having an actual book in front of me where i can flip to random pages... maybe that's why i can't get a kindle :)
-----
Thoughts on future:
Pretty set on going to China in June. don't know how it'll pan out; meeting with Peter Gent in the next couple of weeks to talk further about GlobalGent as well as Daybreak Asia. And i am SO FRIGGIN EXCITED! so much more than haiti lol.
Mom keeps asking me, why do you want to go to China? what calls you there?
that's one of the questions on the application. and i have no idea. i hate the whole "calling" terminology. I have no idea if i'm called to China. I could be equally be called to Africa. I just know I'm NOT called to the U.S. lol.
When pressed to think about it, i think i want to go to China there is a familiarity to it and yet newness to it. I explained it really well to Sarah and she totally got why I was so excited to go but that was a 5 hour car ride up to San Jose from LA and I can't really convey that over text. Anyway, she got it. so it must exist, lol.
-----
Thoughts on family:
Understanding more and more why Mom wanted us to just "hang out", even if we're not doing anything. even brandon is surprising me with the constant questioning of why benson isn't with us hehe. AND i really want to say I told you so but i won't because, all in good time, but brandon is finally understanding the value of relationship. Of course, it's all in context of transforming lives, etc., but at least now he gets why I used to hang out with people all the time. Plus, it's interesting to see him going out ALL the time and me being the one staying at home. Also, i feel old, because i used to think benson was weird/not cool for never going out to hang out with his high school friends when he was here in San Jose.
Love&Respect has been the book of favorite topic these past couple of days. Brandon recommended it to me last Saturday, read through most of it, bought a copy that night for mom to read it and she just finished today. I had so much HOPE for the book, but yet again, i re-learn the fact that I can't put my expectations on her. she totally didn't get any of the stuff that i was hoping to get. i know, maybe my idealistic side was expecting her to write a very respectful email to dad and for him to reply and they don't get divorced.
didn't happen.
and the divorce STILL isn't final... hilarious to me of course :) frustrating for the moms. the papers have gotten lost in the mail hehe.
anyway, even if it's official, i'm still not losing hope. dreamt about him 2 days ago, that i ran into him in china and he said that he's just been on many business trips across china. i saw a commercial about dads on tlc and i totally teared up. the commercial was like... 10 seconds long, if even.
------
Thoughts on boys:
there's something i want to say about someone, but for fear that he may run across this, i am not going to post it. ask me if you're interested hehe :P
on something completely related, i do admire tenacity of men pursuing women.
----
thoughts on writing:
I HATE IT. seriously, bane of my existence. I'm writing something for Felix's memorial book thing and AUGH all the words aren't even coming CLOSE to expressing what i want to express. -_-' annoyed. none of it FLOWS or any crap like that.
----
thoughts on food poisoning:
i am very annoyed how my appetite and stomach has shrunk. good thing i didn't have to eat any crazy christmas feast or i would've been even more bummed. right now, i'm hungry enough to eat one meal a day and the rest of the day i'm like ughhh...
although, i could see how this might be good for weight loss... not that i'm fat, i just sometimes wonder how i could have gained 10 pounds in the past 7 years and have not fluctuated from it.
i'm joining the gym in january. hopefully will get a good deal.
-----
thoughts on christmas shopping:
okay, i hate shopping. but christmas shopping is like shopping x 20 (people) because you have to figure out what a good GIFT is. argh!
i think that everyone should have wishlists posted so that you can just get something on the list and you know they'll be happy and like it.
on the flip side, when benson asked me to make a wishlist, it was REALLY HARD. the list i sent him 3 days later was still the same that i told him on that day: battery for my laptop cause mine has died... and that's it. lol. talking to brandon about it later, and totally agreed: everything i want is at least like $1000. like a round trip to china so i can visit people. or flights from san jose to la for the next 2 weddings i'm going to (yayyy matt and quoc, gonna be awesome!!!) or an ipad which is totally unnecessary.
i think he's going to get my boots. cause i tore mine 2 years ago. and i still work at a fashion company. ugh don't get me started on fashion....
so yes. i think everyone should have a wishlist. it seriously makes shopping so much easier. surprisingly, the easiest person to shop for was my boss because she's pregnant and someone mentioned i should get lotion for pregnant people.
okay, finally going to hang out with people. first time this break!!!!
you are awesome if you read this fat thing :)
9/06/2010
STAYING IN LA
and i am SO excited to do so :) wahhhh living with jen and sam is going to be so flippin' amazing ^^ i really do feel spoiled and super loved :) something about being with people who unconditionally love and accept you, wow :)
went to a wedding yesterday. Jesus has blessed me a ton with the absence of the desire to not be single (aka i'm okay being single) and that's been AMAZING. it's been wonderful not being heads over heels over some boy that will probably never work out and its been wonderful just living life and not caring who sees or watches or observes. it was WONDERFUL to just let loose and dance crazy on the dance floor and not try to impress anyone. because it was RIDICULOUSLY MEAT-MARKET-like. it was like BAAYF lol for older people. ughhhh just felt so gross and icky from that. checkin' out guys, the christian-style. *sigh*. now that jayon and anita are together, i thought i would be more BLEH and be more boy-crazy but yah, tons of grace with that :) i think it's helpful being around 30-year-olds and just older people in general. for someone reason, it was when i was with pc people that i felt more pressure to be in a relationship... weirdness. anyway...
back to jen's wedding. it was pretty flippin amazing fun :) mostly the dance floor part and the after-wedding karaoke and eating part. and last night at the source, my body was so exhausted and i went into this trance-like state for a bit... like halfway between unconsciousness and consciousness. and just observed. i just felt so content, to be there with the source people, to be there with people whom i loved and cared for, to be with family. i've been feeling that more and more as i get older which is weird. it's not nostalgia, it's contentness and smiling a half-smile and just enjoying the moment. maybe this is what it means to slow down and smell the roses :)
anyway, i'm glad my co-worker bailed on me today. needed a day to do nothing but email, talk to people on the phone and sleep a lot. and i really need to get back into the swing of things in terms of cleaning after myself, cooking, and exercising. it's been a month since the bday and i really have no excuse except pure laziness :)
went to a wedding yesterday. Jesus has blessed me a ton with the absence of the desire to not be single (aka i'm okay being single) and that's been AMAZING. it's been wonderful not being heads over heels over some boy that will probably never work out and its been wonderful just living life and not caring who sees or watches or observes. it was WONDERFUL to just let loose and dance crazy on the dance floor and not try to impress anyone. because it was RIDICULOUSLY MEAT-MARKET-like. it was like BAAYF lol for older people. ughhhh just felt so gross and icky from that. checkin' out guys, the christian-style. *sigh*. now that jayon and anita are together, i thought i would be more BLEH and be more boy-crazy but yah, tons of grace with that :) i think it's helpful being around 30-year-olds and just older people in general. for someone reason, it was when i was with pc people that i felt more pressure to be in a relationship... weirdness. anyway...
back to jen's wedding. it was pretty flippin amazing fun :) mostly the dance floor part and the after-wedding karaoke and eating part. and last night at the source, my body was so exhausted and i went into this trance-like state for a bit... like halfway between unconsciousness and consciousness. and just observed. i just felt so content, to be there with the source people, to be there with people whom i loved and cared for, to be with family. i've been feeling that more and more as i get older which is weird. it's not nostalgia, it's contentness and smiling a half-smile and just enjoying the moment. maybe this is what it means to slow down and smell the roses :)
anyway, i'm glad my co-worker bailed on me today. needed a day to do nothing but email, talk to people on the phone and sleep a lot. and i really need to get back into the swing of things in terms of cleaning after myself, cooking, and exercising. it's been a month since the bday and i really have no excuse except pure laziness :)
8/10/2010
??? thoughts through this decision-making process
It's been a while. Can't believe 3 months have passed; life passes by so much more quickly when you don't have school and breaks to tell you that a quarter has ended and that you should prepare for the next one. Instead it just goes on and on and on...
Blogging because I read Jess' blog and that inspired me to write stuff. Plus I think i'm going to go crazy with these thoughts in my head...
JESUS. i don't know what to do. it looks like doors have closed for Samaritan's Purse so far; the Vietnam Office Manager position has been filled and the Haiti Office Manager position is not available right now. so i emailed julie to see what the options were for volunteering abroad, in the hopes that it'll become a full-time job.
Ugh. I mean i knew it wasn't going to be smooth sailing but this is just annoying -_-'. Let's see, I could overspiritualize and say that this is all because the Lord doesn't want me to go and that I'm trying too hard. Or I could point to the conversation that Jayon/Anita/Thao and I had on the way back from Mammoth, that I shouldn't feel guilty about having fun. Which I know i would if I decide to stay in LA with Jen, Sam, and crew. I mean it would be ridiculous fun and I know I would feel "guilty" sorta.. somehow... like christianity is all about being miserable. ugh.
But still, i feel like i'm supposed to be resting, aka doing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING and for some reason, I don't feel like I can do that in LA. i don't know if that's a lame excuse and maybe I just miss home or feel obligated to hang out with mom. but that one day that I did absolutely nothing all morning at mammoth but listen to worship music and stare at the sun and tan, wow, that made me want to just keep doing that foreverrr. and my heart was at peace. but the thing is my heart finds peace now and then during these days where i just go go go.
*sigh*. and part of it is that i feel like i'm getting closer to people at work. I don't know if that's just a mirage because of the incident-of-me-being-stupid or if i'm actually developing friendships there. part of THAT is me scheming and planning to see how many of those people i could convert aka have them know Jesus as their own personal savior, etc. like a good christian should and the other part is, it's just nice to make new friends and understand the stories that go behind each individual human heart that pounds there.
part of me wants to go back home and hang out with Brandon and other normal christians, because, surprise surprise i still deal with boldness issues and omgosh-they're-going-to-think-i'm-retarded-for-praying-in-public etc. etc. and i really think i just need to hang out with people who have conquered that and can push me. cause that makes me come alive, praying for people and setting people FREE. so much more alive than doing hr administrative things all day.
but that's the thing too, i LOVE MY FRIGGIN JOB. like seriously. i spent 12 hours working yesterday and loved every moment of it. that's the truth. i think i complain sometimes because it's the 'right thing to do' otherwise people will REALLY think i'm weird. ugh why does that even matter??
anyway, none of this matters, just thoughts as a part of the process. i have to wait and see what Julie says and then decide. the thing is, this decision affects so many things, not just my job any more. i will no longer have anything in common with people at work and most likely will never see any of them ever again. i'm not sure if i'm okay with that yet...
man. why do these decisions have to be so difficult... :( and it's not even like i can fall back on the 'what do you think god is saying' answer because He ain't sayin NOTHIN'. he's letting make this decision and i know he will bless me either way and that's not even something i'm dealing with now...
if only i hadn't bought the NY tickets lol. and if only the lease didn't end in september. i could wait indefinitely to make this decisions, but now i have to make a decision SOON. as in the next week.
why am i wavering now?? i was so sure last month and the many months before...
Blogging because I read Jess' blog and that inspired me to write stuff. Plus I think i'm going to go crazy with these thoughts in my head...
JESUS. i don't know what to do. it looks like doors have closed for Samaritan's Purse so far; the Vietnam Office Manager position has been filled and the Haiti Office Manager position is not available right now. so i emailed julie to see what the options were for volunteering abroad, in the hopes that it'll become a full-time job.
Ugh. I mean i knew it wasn't going to be smooth sailing but this is just annoying -_-'. Let's see, I could overspiritualize and say that this is all because the Lord doesn't want me to go and that I'm trying too hard. Or I could point to the conversation that Jayon/Anita/Thao and I had on the way back from Mammoth, that I shouldn't feel guilty about having fun. Which I know i would if I decide to stay in LA with Jen, Sam, and crew. I mean it would be ridiculous fun and I know I would feel "guilty" sorta.. somehow... like christianity is all about being miserable. ugh.
But still, i feel like i'm supposed to be resting, aka doing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING and for some reason, I don't feel like I can do that in LA. i don't know if that's a lame excuse and maybe I just miss home or feel obligated to hang out with mom. but that one day that I did absolutely nothing all morning at mammoth but listen to worship music and stare at the sun and tan, wow, that made me want to just keep doing that foreverrr. and my heart was at peace. but the thing is my heart finds peace now and then during these days where i just go go go.
*sigh*. and part of it is that i feel like i'm getting closer to people at work. I don't know if that's just a mirage because of the incident-of-me-being-stupid or if i'm actually developing friendships there. part of THAT is me scheming and planning to see how many of those people i could convert aka have them know Jesus as their own personal savior, etc. like a good christian should and the other part is, it's just nice to make new friends and understand the stories that go behind each individual human heart that pounds there.
part of me wants to go back home and hang out with Brandon and other normal christians, because, surprise surprise i still deal with boldness issues and omgosh-they're-going-to-think-i'm-retarded-for-praying-in-public etc. etc. and i really think i just need to hang out with people who have conquered that and can push me. cause that makes me come alive, praying for people and setting people FREE. so much more alive than doing hr administrative things all day.
but that's the thing too, i LOVE MY FRIGGIN JOB. like seriously. i spent 12 hours working yesterday and loved every moment of it. that's the truth. i think i complain sometimes because it's the 'right thing to do' otherwise people will REALLY think i'm weird. ugh why does that even matter??
anyway, none of this matters, just thoughts as a part of the process. i have to wait and see what Julie says and then decide. the thing is, this decision affects so many things, not just my job any more. i will no longer have anything in common with people at work and most likely will never see any of them ever again. i'm not sure if i'm okay with that yet...
man. why do these decisions have to be so difficult... :( and it's not even like i can fall back on the 'what do you think god is saying' answer because He ain't sayin NOTHIN'. he's letting make this decision and i know he will bless me either way and that's not even something i'm dealing with now...
if only i hadn't bought the NY tickets lol. and if only the lease didn't end in september. i could wait indefinitely to make this decisions, but now i have to make a decision SOON. as in the next week.
why am i wavering now?? i was so sure last month and the many months before...
5/31/2010
stuck in a rut
just watched date night. cute, not the typical chick flick. spent a day doing nothing, being irresponsible and not picking up the phone, beryl got mad and rightly so. it's been one of those days.
actually it's been one of those weeks. or maybe one of those seasons. it comes every 4 years, this being the second round of things and it usually happens around senior year. last time this happened, i had to go to a conference to get a rude awakening from the Lord. this time, i already know what i need to do but i've been putting it off.
i read a wrinkle in time today; never realized how many references to Christianity there were. or maybe i did and just forgot. anyway, i felt like meg when she was getting wrapped up in "The Dark Thing". i feel like i've been wrapped up in the dark thing lately. i feel like a star that's dying, sucking in all life around me until everything disappears.
half of me doesn't want to believe that these seasons can still exist. after all, if you have Jesus, shouldn't everything always be wonderful? i know the sunday school answer to that but i think i've let my expectations of myself go too high again. i always expect myself to be perfect, to not make mistakes, to be the girl who always did what everyone expected of her. and now i feel like i'm actively rebelling against that.
i've been flakey and irresponsible. because last month, someone commented on how dependable and un-flakey i was. i've been selfish and making everything about myself. because someone recently mentioned how unselfish i was. if only people knew, that all that is for me. the unselfishness, maybe 10% is for the Lord. but i think the other 90% is for me. it's that stupid Christianity checklist thing. God, i'm never going to be free from that.
so here i am, back again, for the umpteenth time. i'm pretty sure i can copy and paste that phrase since i use it so much, usually after i feel like crap and want to run away from the world and hide but know that i can't. Lord, i don't want to go to Haiti to run away from stuff, you know that. I don't want to go to Haiti just so i can escape the mundane life that i feel that i lead here. I don't want to go to Haiti and do the miracles that i feel i can't achieve here. I don't want to go to Haiti to run away from the friendships that I felt have failed here. I don't want to go to Haiti because I think that I will feel you closer there. And not Haiti, i just don't want to run away.
God. I need you more. More than yesterday. More than the air I breathe. More than anything. This is my song for the season. Things are so confusing and i don't want to rely on me "feeling" you or not. I want to be all that you imagined me to be, whether i feel like it or not. but God, right now i just feel like an irresponsible bum that's running away from all the hard things of life. or maybe running away from the responsibilities of adulthood. and drowning my "sorrows" or complaints in movies and tv is a momentary answer. but they come right back when those end.
i'm putting much hope in taking the bus back and forth to work starting on Tuesday. I am expecting you to show up on the bus and i expect that our relationship will grow that much stronger. i expect to start working out on tuesday. i expect to be unafraid starting June 1st, to go and pray for people not because i have to, but because it's a part of me. i expect to be bold at work, which in even typing that phrase, freaks me out. i expect to be on top of things, to eat healthy, to exercise, to be there for everyone who needs me, to be a light in the darkness and be excellent in all i do, to be prophetic in all i say, to be the perfect friend, christian, daughter, sister, employee, etc.
and all that will fail me and i will be hard on myself for failing again and this cycle will repeat itself.
i don't know, God. Don't know how you do this.
i just want to jump into that ocean of endless love and stay there until i can love again. i want to stay there and pause life until i'm filled again. i need to. i don't know how though.
help
me
in every single area of my life God i need you more.
actually it's been one of those weeks. or maybe one of those seasons. it comes every 4 years, this being the second round of things and it usually happens around senior year. last time this happened, i had to go to a conference to get a rude awakening from the Lord. this time, i already know what i need to do but i've been putting it off.
i read a wrinkle in time today; never realized how many references to Christianity there were. or maybe i did and just forgot. anyway, i felt like meg when she was getting wrapped up in "The Dark Thing". i feel like i've been wrapped up in the dark thing lately. i feel like a star that's dying, sucking in all life around me until everything disappears.
half of me doesn't want to believe that these seasons can still exist. after all, if you have Jesus, shouldn't everything always be wonderful? i know the sunday school answer to that but i think i've let my expectations of myself go too high again. i always expect myself to be perfect, to not make mistakes, to be the girl who always did what everyone expected of her. and now i feel like i'm actively rebelling against that.
i've been flakey and irresponsible. because last month, someone commented on how dependable and un-flakey i was. i've been selfish and making everything about myself. because someone recently mentioned how unselfish i was. if only people knew, that all that is for me. the unselfishness, maybe 10% is for the Lord. but i think the other 90% is for me. it's that stupid Christianity checklist thing. God, i'm never going to be free from that.
so here i am, back again, for the umpteenth time. i'm pretty sure i can copy and paste that phrase since i use it so much, usually after i feel like crap and want to run away from the world and hide but know that i can't. Lord, i don't want to go to Haiti to run away from stuff, you know that. I don't want to go to Haiti just so i can escape the mundane life that i feel that i lead here. I don't want to go to Haiti and do the miracles that i feel i can't achieve here. I don't want to go to Haiti to run away from the friendships that I felt have failed here. I don't want to go to Haiti because I think that I will feel you closer there. And not Haiti, i just don't want to run away.
God. I need you more. More than yesterday. More than the air I breathe. More than anything. This is my song for the season. Things are so confusing and i don't want to rely on me "feeling" you or not. I want to be all that you imagined me to be, whether i feel like it or not. but God, right now i just feel like an irresponsible bum that's running away from all the hard things of life. or maybe running away from the responsibilities of adulthood. and drowning my "sorrows" or complaints in movies and tv is a momentary answer. but they come right back when those end.
i'm putting much hope in taking the bus back and forth to work starting on Tuesday. I am expecting you to show up on the bus and i expect that our relationship will grow that much stronger. i expect to start working out on tuesday. i expect to be unafraid starting June 1st, to go and pray for people not because i have to, but because it's a part of me. i expect to be bold at work, which in even typing that phrase, freaks me out. i expect to be on top of things, to eat healthy, to exercise, to be there for everyone who needs me, to be a light in the darkness and be excellent in all i do, to be prophetic in all i say, to be the perfect friend, christian, daughter, sister, employee, etc.
and all that will fail me and i will be hard on myself for failing again and this cycle will repeat itself.
i don't know, God. Don't know how you do this.
i just want to jump into that ocean of endless love and stay there until i can love again. i want to stay there and pause life until i'm filled again. i need to. i don't know how though.
help
me
in every single area of my life God i need you more.
12/20/2009
i am now a UCLA graduate
and just like that, it's over.
after a lovely week at tahoe, resting in the Lord, having good times hanging out with sophie and jeremiah, i come back to find that i didn't get into the minor. I was done...
i just texted brandon saying that i feel like i got shafted 2 quarters of my "college experience", but it is fitting. It feels right; the Lord has his own plan and it rarely goes with mine. and at this moment, i don't know where i'm going to be next month... i am going to give myself a month to find a job in la. if not, then i think i'm going to remain at home for the time being. i feel like i could enter into a season of rest and focused time of intimacy with the Lord. the first two days felt like a small glimpse of what could be.
i don't know, this is just a weird feeling. i mean, i love learning, i love going to class, i love knowledge and all i've ever known is school. and until my next two years of grad school, it's over. maybe it's not as bad because i've been thinking about graduation for the past year, ever since the whole crazy stay-in-china thang. haha. god i have no idea what you're doing... haha. but i'm sure it will beautiful :) it always is.
i feel like although my schooling feels like it's ended, there are still many things that aren't done in la... supernatural on campus, the people at ucla, it just doesn't seem done yet. Jesus, please make the path clear and obvious :)
i am excited for 2 weeks of break. it will be so good for my soul.
after a lovely week at tahoe, resting in the Lord, having good times hanging out with sophie and jeremiah, i come back to find that i didn't get into the minor. I was done...
i just texted brandon saying that i feel like i got shafted 2 quarters of my "college experience", but it is fitting. It feels right; the Lord has his own plan and it rarely goes with mine. and at this moment, i don't know where i'm going to be next month... i am going to give myself a month to find a job in la. if not, then i think i'm going to remain at home for the time being. i feel like i could enter into a season of rest and focused time of intimacy with the Lord. the first two days felt like a small glimpse of what could be.
i don't know, this is just a weird feeling. i mean, i love learning, i love going to class, i love knowledge and all i've ever known is school. and until my next two years of grad school, it's over. maybe it's not as bad because i've been thinking about graduation for the past year, ever since the whole crazy stay-in-china thang. haha. god i have no idea what you're doing... haha. but i'm sure it will beautiful :) it always is.
i feel like although my schooling feels like it's ended, there are still many things that aren't done in la... supernatural on campus, the people at ucla, it just doesn't seem done yet. Jesus, please make the path clear and obvious :)
i am excited for 2 weeks of break. it will be so good for my soul.
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