to an awesome man of God ^^
sorry i wanted to upload a picture but blogger's not working for me so i'll just have to mini-blog.
steve oh steve... where shall i start? our conversations mostly revolve around the same thing, relationships :) whether with the opposite gender, with each other, with interacting with friends, with family or with God, that's usually what it's about. i still remember that one reallyy supperrr random conversation and chillage that we had b/c we were both waiting in front of the girls' apt with nothing to do :) i remember how it was at that moment i realized how interesting your thoughts were (talking about ministry and where we feel more comfortable, with christians or with non-christians) and how there was so much more to you than the jokester who is always in the center of attention who talks a lot :) through these past 2 years, i've heard other ppl talk about and seen first hand your heart for people and your vulnerability with ppl too. i've seen God work in you in good times and bad and i'm pretty sure i've only seen the surface.
anyway, steve, you've been a blessing to me and other people, entertaining me and challenging me with your thoughts and words. i and a wholeee lot of other people are glad that you were created 22 years ago : )
10/21/2008
10/15/2008
maybe the first bad day i've had in beijing
by the title, this is obviously going to be a rant :)
bad things:
-looked stupid in front of class b/c i forgot my txtbk and i didn't know the answer to the question even though my group was counting on me....
-all the juice in my lunchbox spilled all over my books and backpack
-understood practically nothing in my chinese overview class (chinese historyyy too which is pretty much the class i hate the most)
-got talked into buying a chinese dictionary but drastically overpaid for it (800rmb=115usd)
-forgot to bargain for it until i was handing the money over
-while i was getting money from the atm, my bike fell over (or mayb someone pushed it but i didn't see... )and mi bell broke
-while i was biking to get my dictionary i found out the brake on the bike was loose too (hecka dangerous, esp. in beijing's crazy traffic.. bike traffic i mean)
-got my bike fixed but got a nasty stare when the ppl figured out that it didn't become like that by itself (they prob thought i had an accident and broke it -_-')
-my bread fell out of my basket while i was trying to avoid running into two buses
-remembered the immense amount of hw to do :(
-STILL SICK after 3 weeks!!
-chinese chunky peanut butter jips you of a lot of peanuts.
-english is still deproving like mad. chinese is not improving like mad.
Good things:
-found out today that i reallyreallyreally like oat bread.
-china has all my favorite fruits (watermelon in summer and asian pears and kiwi in abundance right now :))
-weather has turned WARM again :D:D:D still have time to soak in rays
-my cool new dictionary has a rediculous amount of excessive applications (mp3, mp4, converter, games, photo album, class scheduler, etc.)
okay so life seriously isn't that bad. i can't really complain :) compared to those ppl who dont' have food to eat everyday and don't have a chance to get an education, i'm flippin spoiled :)
*sigh* missin a bit of ucla though~ happy 21st birthday sophia :):) and happy really old birthday to you thao!!!!
bad things:
-looked stupid in front of class b/c i forgot my txtbk and i didn't know the answer to the question even though my group was counting on me....
-all the juice in my lunchbox spilled all over my books and backpack
-understood practically nothing in my chinese overview class (chinese historyyy too which is pretty much the class i hate the most)
-got talked into buying a chinese dictionary but drastically overpaid for it (800rmb=115usd)
-forgot to bargain for it until i was handing the money over
-while i was getting money from the atm, my bike fell over (or mayb someone pushed it but i didn't see... )and mi bell broke
-while i was biking to get my dictionary i found out the brake on the bike was loose too (hecka dangerous, esp. in beijing's crazy traffic.. bike traffic i mean)
-got my bike fixed but got a nasty stare when the ppl figured out that it didn't become like that by itself (they prob thought i had an accident and broke it -_-')
-my bread fell out of my basket while i was trying to avoid running into two buses
-remembered the immense amount of hw to do :(
-STILL SICK after 3 weeks!!
-chinese chunky peanut butter jips you of a lot of peanuts.
-english is still deproving like mad. chinese is not improving like mad.
Good things:
-found out today that i reallyreallyreally like oat bread.
-china has all my favorite fruits (watermelon in summer and asian pears and kiwi in abundance right now :))
-weather has turned WARM again :D:D:D still have time to soak in rays
-my cool new dictionary has a rediculous amount of excessive applications (mp3, mp4, converter, games, photo album, class scheduler, etc.)
okay so life seriously isn't that bad. i can't really complain :) compared to those ppl who dont' have food to eat everyday and don't have a chance to get an education, i'm flippin spoiled :)
*sigh* missin a bit of ucla though~ happy 21st birthday sophia :):) and happy really old birthday to you thao!!!!
10/03/2008
I LOVE MY SCHOOl!!
Today, I woke up, stared at the sky, and smiled.
These blue skies are as common as rain at UCLA (for non-UCLAers, it rained only twice my entire first year and i didn't even use my umbrella) I thought today would never happen ^^ Thus began my photo-trip around my lovely school Peking University :)
This is now my "car", it's pretty trusty and cost only about $22 with all the bells and whistles (literally):
haven't ridden a bike in FOREVER and my butt has been really sore the past couple of days because of it -_-' but haven't run over any one yet even though the biking in beijing is pretty rediculously dangerous.
This is where I live:
It's called shao yuan and you can tell it's the international student dorms because, well, it's in English. haha ^^
Anyway, so the reason I've had so much time to blog is because it's the "national day holiday" from 10/1-5 where the entire country is on holiday. so there's like a WHOLE bunch of people walking around our school. but even then... there's always the studious chinese students. in the picture below, i walked past the guy in blue (slightly hidden by the bushes) speaking Chinese-y english really loudly. this is REALLY commonplace in universities here; so many chinese students regularly practice their english lessons in gardens, anywhere. it's pretty funny ^^ but then again i probably sound hilarious if i were to do that in chinese.
Anyway, the campus is SO GORGEOUS!!!! It's jokingly known to the local students as "Beijing's biggest park". The northern part is much like a park; reminds me of UCLA's north and south campus:
And this is my favorite place on campus:
it's the largest lake on the campus called "no named lake" 无名胡 ; yah so poetic ^^ but anyway, i love doing devos here or just hanging out in general here. it's so gorgeous (i am soooo spoiled ^^)
This is the West Gate of the school; it's so Chinese-looking. Inside is a TOTAL park and then right when you step outside, you hear this LOUDD honk of the busses and cars and it's back to civilization :)
below is the sign that says Peking University outside the gate:
Below is the Bicentennial hall (sorta like royce hall) where they have these famous beijing operas and other people perform:
Beijing Olympics store on campus:
The beautiful library:
"Beijing University Library" in chinese:
They even have road maps on campus:
So one of the things that I'm still struggling/dealing with is the fact that even though I look chinese, my chinese really sucks and people can totally tell I'm not from China. however, no one ever believes me when I say that I'm American.
For example, here's what they would be thinking if they saw the below picture:
yahhh i saw the good-lookin mats a couple of times in beijing :) this is us before he heads back to shanghai in a subway station. and he is as good-looking as ever.
WOOHOO yah for pictures :)
These blue skies are as common as rain at UCLA (for non-UCLAers, it rained only twice my entire first year and i didn't even use my umbrella) I thought today would never happen ^^ Thus began my photo-trip around my lovely school Peking University :)
This is now my "car", it's pretty trusty and cost only about $22 with all the bells and whistles (literally):
haven't ridden a bike in FOREVER and my butt has been really sore the past couple of days because of it -_-' but haven't run over any one yet even though the biking in beijing is pretty rediculously dangerous.
This is where I live:
It's called shao yuan and you can tell it's the international student dorms because, well, it's in English. haha ^^
Anyway, so the reason I've had so much time to blog is because it's the "national day holiday" from 10/1-5 where the entire country is on holiday. so there's like a WHOLE bunch of people walking around our school. but even then... there's always the studious chinese students. in the picture below, i walked past the guy in blue (slightly hidden by the bushes) speaking Chinese-y english really loudly. this is REALLY commonplace in universities here; so many chinese students regularly practice their english lessons in gardens, anywhere. it's pretty funny ^^ but then again i probably sound hilarious if i were to do that in chinese.
Anyway, the campus is SO GORGEOUS!!!! It's jokingly known to the local students as "Beijing's biggest park". The northern part is much like a park; reminds me of UCLA's north and south campus:
And this is my favorite place on campus:
it's the largest lake on the campus called "no named lake" 无名胡 ; yah so poetic ^^ but anyway, i love doing devos here or just hanging out in general here. it's so gorgeous (i am soooo spoiled ^^)
This is the West Gate of the school; it's so Chinese-looking. Inside is a TOTAL park and then right when you step outside, you hear this LOUDD honk of the busses and cars and it's back to civilization :)
below is the sign that says Peking University outside the gate:
Below is the Bicentennial hall (sorta like royce hall) where they have these famous beijing operas and other people perform:
Beijing Olympics store on campus:
The beautiful library:
"Beijing University Library" in chinese:
They even have road maps on campus:
So one of the things that I'm still struggling/dealing with is the fact that even though I look chinese, my chinese really sucks and people can totally tell I'm not from China. however, no one ever believes me when I say that I'm American.
For example, here's what they would be thinking if they saw the below picture:
yahhh i saw the good-lookin mats a couple of times in beijing :) this is us before he heads back to shanghai in a subway station. and he is as good-looking as ever.
WOOHOO yah for pictures :)
10/02/2008
October 2nd
10/2/08
So today, I woke up like any other morning and had some good times with Jesus, just rereading Deuteronomy and hearing God’s voice, like STRAIGHT out of His mouth you know? Like I can just HEAR His heart and his longing for His people in this verse:
Oh, that their hearts would be inclined to fear me and keep all my commands always, so that it might go well with them and their children forever! Deut 5:29
Like DANG this is the God who supposedly “smites down people and damns ppl to hell”, the same OT God; the more I read the Old Testament, the more I see God’s heart towards his people. His utter concern for them as their Father and caretaker, and he like says a good 5 times to Moses to the people, that they just need to remember to not turn away from God and to remember the things that He did for them. Like FIVE TIMES! Which apparently, means a lot in Hebrew writing. I heard once repetition is like WRITING THINGS IN CAPITAL LETTERS. SO DANG. They still didn’t get the message though b/c they liked immediately served other gods.
I remember when I was younger, I’d be like, dood those Israelites are really stupid, don’t they get it after like the 10th time that it’s flippin easy? You just listen to what God says and you’re set. And now that I’m older, I know how stupid I am b/c I do the same thing, like ALL the time. Over and over again. Durrr.. just like the Israelites. Man, anyway. The Deut has some good stuffs in it.
SO what I really wanted to say was that this morning I threw up a random prayer (and seriously by now, I really should know that there’s no such thing as a random prayer and you really need to be careful about what you pray for) I was like, God give me a spirit of boldness and courage. Straight out of my journal:
“God, the condemnation, the ‘I should have done this better’, the beating up of myself is starting to creep in. I keep on thinking I need to do more, out of my Love for you Of Course. Jesus teach me to how to hear and obey, to go only when you say and not just force things out; God teach me what ‘doing my part’ means. Jesus grant me a prayerful heart and sensitive ears to do your will. God give me boldness and courage.”
So during dinner, I went out alone (yah b/c everyone already ate so I was a loner -_-‘ but I was determined to make it worth it so I was like, I’m going to pray the whole time I’m eating, so I won’t waste time daydreaming) to this really good bun and congee place. I sat down and prayed (deargodthx4foodblesspplwhomadeitamen) and hoped that someone had seen me pray and would ask me if I was Christian and I could bring them to Christ right then and there.
What ended up happening was I started praying for random things that came across my mind and then I noticed this girl across from me and I was like oh, she looks nice. Say “好吃吗? (Translation: Is that good (the food)?“ to her. Uhhhh.. no way God. Nowaynowaynoway what if she thinks I’m weird/crazy/whatifshedoesn’tunderstandmyCHINESE!! God she’s gonna give me a weird look. Ask her. NOOO aww God COMEONNN okay spiritofboldnessandcourage spiritofboldnessandcourage (Jared, totally thinking of you here) I can’t do it. God how about tomorrow. Pleaseeee. God she looks like she’s done eating she’ll probably leave, etc. etc. [All these thoughts seem like 4ever but really is like 1 min]
ANYWAY. Point being. I didn’t want to talk to random strangers with my crappy Chinese. Anyway what happened was that she ended up being the front desker person on the bottom of my international dorm and she had helped me on my first day moving in and she was looking for a language partner [surprise, surprise, I’ve been looking 4 one too and even applied for the program but they never got back to me] and she plans to go to Cornell and do hotel management and she loves English and she has a really good friend from LA going to NYU.
I hate it when God’s right. Haha jaykay, it makes for funny stories of how stubborn I am.
Oh yah, I did start the conversation with, “好吃吗？＂To which she responded in Chinese, “好吃。你是从哪一个国家来的？” (translation#1: yah it’s good. What country are you from? ) (translation#2: my Chinese failed)
(originally the post ends here. But God didn’t stop working:)
AND THE DAY DOESN’T END GOD YOU’RE SO AMAZING CRAZY CRAZY CRAZY CRAZY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So, watching “stranger than fiction” which is an odd movie. Afterwards, a Korean friend notices that there’s Purpose Driven Life on the table which I didn’t even notice and asks. Jodi, my roommate, says she’s gonna read it b/c her friend asked her too. Afterwards, I talk to her and I find out:
-she grew up going to church
-she is really frustrated with the institution of church and doesn’t understand why the people in the church place blame on people who don’t go to church, who don’t pray for meals, etc. etc.
-also doesn’t understand why her understanding of a loving God but her Korean friend’s view of God is wrathful and vengeful
-she has a Korean friend who has been really stressed out by the church regulations and because of that my roommate is super concerned for her
-I share with her my testimony about church and PC and explain to her what a house church is
-she’s TOTALLY EXCITED she thinks it’s AWESOME and it’s SO COOL! And she wants me to meet her Korean friend
-I suggest that we have church in the room and she TOTALLY lights up and is like YAH THAT’D BE AWESOME let’s do it right after I come back from vacation, and I’ll invite my friends
-the best part: I DIDN’T DO ANYTHING!!!! IT WAS ALL GOD!!!!! And man, after that realization a couple weeks ago where God brought me to a point where I was fine not having any ministry, as long as this year I would get closer to God, man… this is that much better. Because, I don’t care whether this goes well or not, in terms of me. It doesn’t change ANYTHING because in the end, this year in China is gonna be worth it because during this year, I’m going to know God more and gonna continue being loved by Him and loving Him. Oh man, God is crazy.
Cool addendum: been praying MAD HARD for my roommate the quarter before or since I’ve known that I’d be coming to China. I felt when we met that this wasn’t going to work out ☺ she smokes and seems like a partier, were my initial thoughts. Turns out we’re SO alike it’s weird; both really love dance, are Daddy’s girls, and love to read avidly. Okay not that many things, but those are the most important to me ☺ She’s a total fashion diva, is putting on her own fashion show featuring H&M and other cool things (I derno, I’m pretty fashionally-retarded) so if you guys know any connections or whatevers, hit me up ☺oh yahs :)
keep us all in prayer por favor!! whatever this group turns out to be, house church or not, pray that GOd's will be done and His name be lifted high always :)
God, I pray that they will know You soo intimately, know who You are, know that You’re more and bigger than just a church. God I know this group will stretch me and pull me in ways I don’t want to be pulled, but God I’m keeping my eyes on You and stepping out in faith. Keep me humble please and obedient to You and You alone. God, more than anything, more than 10,000 churches, God, if only I can understand Your heartbeat, that’s all I want. I want You. God I pray that that’s all I ever want. Thank you for everything.
So today, I woke up like any other morning and had some good times with Jesus, just rereading Deuteronomy and hearing God’s voice, like STRAIGHT out of His mouth you know? Like I can just HEAR His heart and his longing for His people in this verse:
Oh, that their hearts would be inclined to fear me and keep all my commands always, so that it might go well with them and their children forever! Deut 5:29
Like DANG this is the God who supposedly “smites down people and damns ppl to hell”, the same OT God; the more I read the Old Testament, the more I see God’s heart towards his people. His utter concern for them as their Father and caretaker, and he like says a good 5 times to Moses to the people, that they just need to remember to not turn away from God and to remember the things that He did for them. Like FIVE TIMES! Which apparently, means a lot in Hebrew writing. I heard once repetition is like WRITING THINGS IN CAPITAL LETTERS. SO DANG. They still didn’t get the message though b/c they liked immediately served other gods.
I remember when I was younger, I’d be like, dood those Israelites are really stupid, don’t they get it after like the 10th time that it’s flippin easy? You just listen to what God says and you’re set. And now that I’m older, I know how stupid I am b/c I do the same thing, like ALL the time. Over and over again. Durrr.. just like the Israelites. Man, anyway. The Deut has some good stuffs in it.
SO what I really wanted to say was that this morning I threw up a random prayer (and seriously by now, I really should know that there’s no such thing as a random prayer and you really need to be careful about what you pray for) I was like, God give me a spirit of boldness and courage. Straight out of my journal:
“God, the condemnation, the ‘I should have done this better’, the beating up of myself is starting to creep in. I keep on thinking I need to do more, out of my Love for you Of Course. Jesus teach me to how to hear and obey, to go only when you say and not just force things out; God teach me what ‘doing my part’ means. Jesus grant me a prayerful heart and sensitive ears to do your will. God give me boldness and courage.”
So during dinner, I went out alone (yah b/c everyone already ate so I was a loner -_-‘ but I was determined to make it worth it so I was like, I’m going to pray the whole time I’m eating, so I won’t waste time daydreaming) to this really good bun and congee place. I sat down and prayed (deargodthx4foodblesspplwhomadeitamen) and hoped that someone had seen me pray and would ask me if I was Christian and I could bring them to Christ right then and there.
What ended up happening was I started praying for random things that came across my mind and then I noticed this girl across from me and I was like oh, she looks nice. Say “好吃吗? (Translation: Is that good (the food)?“ to her. Uhhhh.. no way God. Nowaynowaynoway what if she thinks I’m weird/crazy/whatifshedoesn’tunderstandmyCHINESE!! God she’s gonna give me a weird look. Ask her. NOOO aww God COMEONNN okay spiritofboldnessandcourage spiritofboldnessandcourage (Jared, totally thinking of you here) I can’t do it. God how about tomorrow. Pleaseeee. God she looks like she’s done eating she’ll probably leave, etc. etc. [All these thoughts seem like 4ever but really is like 1 min]
ANYWAY. Point being. I didn’t want to talk to random strangers with my crappy Chinese. Anyway what happened was that she ended up being the front desker person on the bottom of my international dorm and she had helped me on my first day moving in and she was looking for a language partner [surprise, surprise, I’ve been looking 4 one too and even applied for the program but they never got back to me] and she plans to go to Cornell and do hotel management and she loves English and she has a really good friend from LA going to NYU.
I hate it when God’s right. Haha jaykay, it makes for funny stories of how stubborn I am.
Oh yah, I did start the conversation with, “好吃吗？＂To which she responded in Chinese, “好吃。你是从哪一个国家来的？” (translation#1: yah it’s good. What country are you from? ) (translation#2: my Chinese failed)
(originally the post ends here. But God didn’t stop working:)
AND THE DAY DOESN’T END GOD YOU’RE SO AMAZING CRAZY CRAZY CRAZY CRAZY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So, watching “stranger than fiction” which is an odd movie. Afterwards, a Korean friend notices that there’s Purpose Driven Life on the table which I didn’t even notice and asks. Jodi, my roommate, says she’s gonna read it b/c her friend asked her too. Afterwards, I talk to her and I find out:
-she grew up going to church
-she is really frustrated with the institution of church and doesn’t understand why the people in the church place blame on people who don’t go to church, who don’t pray for meals, etc. etc.
-also doesn’t understand why her understanding of a loving God but her Korean friend’s view of God is wrathful and vengeful
-she has a Korean friend who has been really stressed out by the church regulations and because of that my roommate is super concerned for her
-I share with her my testimony about church and PC and explain to her what a house church is
-she’s TOTALLY EXCITED she thinks it’s AWESOME and it’s SO COOL! And she wants me to meet her Korean friend
-I suggest that we have church in the room and she TOTALLY lights up and is like YAH THAT’D BE AWESOME let’s do it right after I come back from vacation, and I’ll invite my friends
-the best part: I DIDN’T DO ANYTHING!!!! IT WAS ALL GOD!!!!! And man, after that realization a couple weeks ago where God brought me to a point where I was fine not having any ministry, as long as this year I would get closer to God, man… this is that much better. Because, I don’t care whether this goes well or not, in terms of me. It doesn’t change ANYTHING because in the end, this year in China is gonna be worth it because during this year, I’m going to know God more and gonna continue being loved by Him and loving Him. Oh man, God is crazy.
Cool addendum: been praying MAD HARD for my roommate the quarter before or since I’ve known that I’d be coming to China. I felt when we met that this wasn’t going to work out ☺ she smokes and seems like a partier, were my initial thoughts. Turns out we’re SO alike it’s weird; both really love dance, are Daddy’s girls, and love to read avidly. Okay not that many things, but those are the most important to me ☺ She’s a total fashion diva, is putting on her own fashion show featuring H&M and other cool things (I derno, I’m pretty fashionally-retarded) so if you guys know any connections or whatevers, hit me up ☺oh yahs :)
keep us all in prayer por favor!! whatever this group turns out to be, house church or not, pray that GOd's will be done and His name be lifted high always :)
God, I pray that they will know You soo intimately, know who You are, know that You’re more and bigger than just a church. God I know this group will stretch me and pull me in ways I don’t want to be pulled, but God I’m keeping my eyes on You and stepping out in faith. Keep me humble please and obedient to You and You alone. God, more than anything, more than 10,000 churches, God, if only I can understand Your heartbeat, that’s all I want. I want You. God I pray that that’s all I ever want. Thank you for everything.
8/26/2008
mooching.
this is a mooch-off. from ex-roomie steph chiang :) i mooch alot b/c God gifted some people to express exactly what I wanted to express except I can't write as eloquently :D so God gifted me to mooch. hahaha sooo selfish... anyway:
When I say I'm having friend issues, I'm not really referring to the lack of people to hang out with on this lovely weathered Friday night. I mean to share with you all another epiphany I had the other day. After getting off the phone from a nice half-hour conversation with one of my best friends B------, I realize that she's one of my only girl friends left. When I say "left", I mean I graduated high school with a nice handful of close female friends and an entire sports team of about 30 girls on top of that, which is all now reduced to....well let's just say I don't need my toes to count them.
So I wonder, what went wrong? Or is it wrong to have mostly male friends? Considering I was a "tomboy" till I was in 7th grade, I guess I feel more comfortable around guys. Back home, I'm used to being "one of the guys", and it's not so different here. (My friends cringe when I wear pink or anything remotely feminine. Not to mention laugh when I attempt to wear makeup.) Is it my personality that has doomed me to a life of girlfriend-less-ness? Or is it something else? Am I doing everything wrong? I know that for girls, we're "supposed to" keep in touch by constantly sharing daily expiences and filling each other in with the major issues. Whereas guys are "supposed to" be able to remain buddies as long as they do things together, screw the "keeping in touch". Funny...that's my approach. If I haven't seen a girlfriend for a while, it's even easier for me to jump back into things since we'll have so much more to talk about. But somehow, this philosophy has left me with one close female friend who still calls me, and then two girls here at UCLA who I see regularly (one being my current roomate). Compare that to....15 males? that I talk to and/or see everyday. Strange.
(And I know this may seem completely irrelevant, but for a young woman who's entering her 20s it's a reasonable issue: WHO THE HELL WILL BE MY BRIDESMAIDS???? I'll have like.....oh well I guess it won't be that bad. I think I can manage to scrape together 5. Sad to say, it may be easier for me to have a bunch of guys be my "bridesmaids".)
But back to the issue: is gender really an issue in making friends? Does it really matter that I have no one to swoon over boys with, or do my hair, or play dress-up with? (YES I still like dress-up.) Sometimes I really miss having girl time. But most of the time, I'm rather loud and rough with my guy friends. Wrestling is fun, and there's always the game of "who can insult the other one better". One of the guys actually mentioned that I'm too "weird" to be considered a "hot girl". Darn. (I guess I could take that as a sort-of compliment that if I were to shut up and sit there like a lady I could be "hot") (haha yea right.) I think about the way I act on a daily basis, and hang my head in shame (all the while hiding a smirk). As J---- likes to put it, I "fail at being a girl."
yeah. i think all these weddings are making me think of my (hopefully) wedding in the future. and i realized that bridesmaids are an issue -_-' *sigh* the guy:girl ratio is getting better but still significantly tipped towards the male side. i'm workin on it... maybe i shouldn't be sticking with my philosophy that girls are more high maintenance than guys. that might help :) relationships are such hard workkkkkk.
When I say I'm having friend issues, I'm not really referring to the lack of people to hang out with on this lovely weathered Friday night. I mean to share with you all another epiphany I had the other day. After getting off the phone from a nice half-hour conversation with one of my best friends B------, I realize that she's one of my only girl friends left. When I say "left", I mean I graduated high school with a nice handful of close female friends and an entire sports team of about 30 girls on top of that, which is all now reduced to....well let's just say I don't need my toes to count them.
So I wonder, what went wrong? Or is it wrong to have mostly male friends? Considering I was a "tomboy" till I was in 7th grade, I guess I feel more comfortable around guys. Back home, I'm used to being "one of the guys", and it's not so different here. (My friends cringe when I wear pink or anything remotely feminine. Not to mention laugh when I attempt to wear makeup.) Is it my personality that has doomed me to a life of girlfriend-less-ness? Or is it something else? Am I doing everything wrong? I know that for girls, we're "supposed to" keep in touch by constantly sharing daily expiences and filling each other in with the major issues. Whereas guys are "supposed to" be able to remain buddies as long as they do things together, screw the "keeping in touch". Funny...that's my approach. If I haven't seen a girlfriend for a while, it's even easier for me to jump back into things since we'll have so much more to talk about. But somehow, this philosophy has left me with one close female friend who still calls me, and then two girls here at UCLA who I see regularly (one being my current roomate). Compare that to....15 males? that I talk to and/or see everyday. Strange.
(And I know this may seem completely irrelevant, but for a young woman who's entering her 20s it's a reasonable issue: WHO THE HELL WILL BE MY BRIDESMAIDS???? I'll have like.....oh well I guess it won't be that bad. I think I can manage to scrape together 5. Sad to say, it may be easier for me to have a bunch of guys be my "bridesmaids".)
But back to the issue: is gender really an issue in making friends? Does it really matter that I have no one to swoon over boys with, or do my hair, or play dress-up with? (YES I still like dress-up.) Sometimes I really miss having girl time. But most of the time, I'm rather loud and rough with my guy friends. Wrestling is fun, and there's always the game of "who can insult the other one better". One of the guys actually mentioned that I'm too "weird" to be considered a "hot girl". Darn. (I guess I could take that as a sort-of compliment that if I were to shut up and sit there like a lady I could be "hot") (haha yea right.) I think about the way I act on a daily basis, and hang my head in shame (all the while hiding a smirk). As J---- likes to put it, I "fail at being a girl."
yeah. i think all these weddings are making me think of my (hopefully) wedding in the future. and i realized that bridesmaids are an issue -_-' *sigh* the guy:girl ratio is getting better but still significantly tipped towards the male side. i'm workin on it... maybe i shouldn't be sticking with my philosophy that girls are more high maintenance than guys. that might help :) relationships are such hard workkkkkk.
7/31/2008
YESSS i figured out how to make it English.
awesomeness!!!
sometimes i feel like i could live this entire life without talking to anyone. i swear i'm growing more introverted everyday. other people make life so MESSY.
doubts, questions, apathy, falling again and again. through it all You shine... what a mystery. don't You get tired of it? I am... when am I ever going to be okay with where I am and what You've decided for me? when am I ever going to learn that I'm supposed to keeping my eyes on You, instead of constantly comparing myself with others? why can't I be CAPTIVATED?
this pride amazes me... never fails to surprise me with what it can do to my life...
Daddy, I need to be in your lap again. I forgot what that feels like.
flip. i need to just let You be You and me be me. what a control-freak i am.
lately, been thinkin a lot about verses that tell me to wait on him, put your hope in Him, argh. patience isn't my strong point. i just want this to be FINISHED. the journey is where you learn the most but ahhh the journey hurts. and frustrates me. and i can't see what's ahead, only what's behind.
stole this from tiff wong b/c it's how i feel:
this is the waiting period in life.
i've never had to wait so long
and i'm not even sure what i'm waiting for
but i'm still waiting cause there's nothing else to do but wait.
ppl here live for each day, and only each day. lives are so empty, work, go party, work, go party. so meaningless... who will go?
sometimes i feel like i could live this entire life without talking to anyone. i swear i'm growing more introverted everyday. other people make life so MESSY.
doubts, questions, apathy, falling again and again. through it all You shine... what a mystery. don't You get tired of it? I am... when am I ever going to be okay with where I am and what You've decided for me? when am I ever going to learn that I'm supposed to keeping my eyes on You, instead of constantly comparing myself with others? why can't I be CAPTIVATED?
this pride amazes me... never fails to surprise me with what it can do to my life...
Daddy, I need to be in your lap again. I forgot what that feels like.
flip. i need to just let You be You and me be me. what a control-freak i am.
lately, been thinkin a lot about verses that tell me to wait on him, put your hope in Him, argh. patience isn't my strong point. i just want this to be FINISHED. the journey is where you learn the most but ahhh the journey hurts. and frustrates me. and i can't see what's ahead, only what's behind.
stole this from tiff wong b/c it's how i feel:
this is the waiting period in life.
i've never had to wait so long
and i'm not even sure what i'm waiting for
but i'm still waiting cause there's nothing else to do but wait.
ppl here live for each day, and only each day. lives are so empty, work, go party, work, go party. so meaningless... who will go?
7/23/2008
Update with pictures and vids :)
soooo they actually exist... dog meat soup. but they apparently have been taken off all the official restaurants like this one that foreigners may go to.
these scorpions were MOVING. they fry it though before you eat it... but still!!! nasty...
they fry starfish tooo!!!!
Chinese-style Golden Arches
REAL PEKING DUCK!!
hamburgers-chinese style
my canto/spanish/english buddy shuyu :)
clubbin for the first time with the roomie!!
girls at babyface #2 :)
i love my roommieee, alicee :)
overlooking beijing with canto buds :)
roomie driving at hou hai
bird's nest with courtney and rita on the side :P
hahaha soo cutee!!
so there was an awesomee zipline at the end of the 2 hr great wall hike and i recorded myself; best part of the great wall trip by farrr :D
mmm YUP there's lots more pictures and they'll be coming soon. inner mongolia tonight!!!!! laoshe tea house!!! sooo crazy cool hand puppets..
much love,
b3rn
7/21/2008
learning Chinese and other things.
just finished talking to ms. chai-lai, whose mind solely operates in english now after spending a year in berkeley and endless studies in english. that's my goal: for my mind to work in Chinese.
sometimes it seems so far away though, locals still can't understand me and i can barely have a conversation with anyone. i've been telling everyone that i feel like my english has deteriorated while my chinese hasn't improved at all, except my ability to listen to chinese. not that i should be complaining since i'm spending time right now blogging in english instead of practicing my chinese with someone...
Godwhereareyounow. i hate this "i have no G-spot" excuse, this passionless relationship, where i feel like we're on a flattttt plane and there are no mountains and valleys. i'd rather be going down b/c at least then i'm going somewhere... where are You now? i know i'm not supposed to compare myself with others, but God look at _______, ______, and ____!!! their love is so much greater, passion so much stronger, obedience so much... more obedient. i know... i feel like it'd be so easy to make "life more exciting" or whatever, just be obediant to whatever You're saying but #1 still suck at hearing your voice #2 fear of man still soo flippin big... oh God............. i feel like such a hopeless case.... haha. even now... after all you've done, spoken, whispered to me. why doesn't this love move me? shouldn't it be life-transforming? why this apathy? i don't have right answers anymore, even the "right ones" seem shallow to me, seem like excuses to me. i need some flippin' persecution or something?
this is how i feel. this is how i really feel. for most of the time. how can i share about an abundant life when i don't even know what that means in my own life? what hypocrisy! even after 20 years... i think this will be a bittersweet birthday. maybe i'm having a quarter-life crisis -_-'
God i know You know what You're doing. I just wish I did too... but then I wouldn't be here and You wouldn't be all the way up there. God I gotta admit, I defend Your name for You wayyy too much. probably because deep down i feel like it'll hurt my reputation too. the times i should pray for others but don't, really, it's because if their prayers aren't answered, then maybe i'm not spiritual enough. see how in all things I try to steal Your glory?!? what a wretch i am... I'm so lost, so unmotivated, so full of despair when looking at myself.
Trust Me. Wait on Me. Look to Me. It's about Me, not you. For My glory, not yours.
sometimes it seems so far away though, locals still can't understand me and i can barely have a conversation with anyone. i've been telling everyone that i feel like my english has deteriorated while my chinese hasn't improved at all, except my ability to listen to chinese. not that i should be complaining since i'm spending time right now blogging in english instead of practicing my chinese with someone...
Godwhereareyounow. i hate this "i have no G-spot" excuse, this passionless relationship, where i feel like we're on a flattttt plane and there are no mountains and valleys. i'd rather be going down b/c at least then i'm going somewhere... where are You now? i know i'm not supposed to compare myself with others, but God look at _______, ______, and ____!!! their love is so much greater, passion so much stronger, obedience so much... more obedient. i know... i feel like it'd be so easy to make "life more exciting" or whatever, just be obediant to whatever You're saying but #1 still suck at hearing your voice #2 fear of man still soo flippin big... oh God............. i feel like such a hopeless case.... haha. even now... after all you've done, spoken, whispered to me. why doesn't this love move me? shouldn't it be life-transforming? why this apathy? i don't have right answers anymore, even the "right ones" seem shallow to me, seem like excuses to me. i need some flippin' persecution or something?
this is how i feel. this is how i really feel. for most of the time. how can i share about an abundant life when i don't even know what that means in my own life? what hypocrisy! even after 20 years... i think this will be a bittersweet birthday. maybe i'm having a quarter-life crisis -_-'
God i know You know what You're doing. I just wish I did too... but then I wouldn't be here and You wouldn't be all the way up there. God I gotta admit, I defend Your name for You wayyy too much. probably because deep down i feel like it'll hurt my reputation too. the times i should pray for others but don't, really, it's because if their prayers aren't answered, then maybe i'm not spiritual enough. see how in all things I try to steal Your glory?!? what a wretch i am... I'm so lost, so unmotivated, so full of despair when looking at myself.
Trust Me. Wait on Me. Look to Me. It's about Me, not you. For My glory, not yours.
7/07/2008
真糟糕!!!
twilight by stephenie meyer. good fast read. total chickflick book. and it's gonna be a MOVIEEE. with a good-lookin guy.
i have so much time here in beijing. that's probably because i'm not studying as much as i should and i'm being a total loner. college has introverted me much.
reading the bro's blog; came across this passage that hit me so much with its honesty that i shed some tears. still wrestling with why this impacted me so:
what would it be?
i have so much time here in beijing. that's probably because i'm not studying as much as i should and i'm being a total loner. college has introverted me much.
reading the bro's blog; came across this passage that hit me so much with its honesty that i shed some tears. still wrestling with why this impacted me so:
if you could talk to jesus about one thing...
what would it be?天父啊。Am I a fraud?
Or are you pleased with me? If you are, can I hear you say it?
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