just finished talking to ms. chai-lai, whose mind solely operates in english now after spending a year in berkeley and endless studies in english. that's my goal: for my mind to work in Chinese.
sometimes it seems so far away though, locals still can't understand me and i can barely have a conversation with anyone. i've been telling everyone that i feel like my english has deteriorated while my chinese hasn't improved at all, except my ability to listen to chinese. not that i should be complaining since i'm spending time right now blogging in english instead of practicing my chinese with someone...
Godwhereareyounow. i hate this "i have no G-spot" excuse, this passionless relationship, where i feel like we're on a flattttt plane and there are no mountains and valleys. i'd rather be going down b/c at least then i'm going somewhere... where are You now? i know i'm not supposed to compare myself with others, but God look at _______, ______, and ____!!! their love is so much greater, passion so much stronger, obedience so much... more obedient. i know... i feel like it'd be so easy to make "life more exciting" or whatever, just be obediant to whatever You're saying but #1 still suck at hearing your voice #2 fear of man still soo flippin big... oh God............. i feel like such a hopeless case.... haha. even now... after all you've done, spoken, whispered to me. why doesn't this love move me? shouldn't it be life-transforming? why this apathy? i don't have right answers anymore, even the "right ones" seem shallow to me, seem like excuses to me. i need some flippin' persecution or something?
this is how i feel. this is how i really feel. for most of the time. how can i share about an abundant life when i don't even know what that means in my own life? what hypocrisy! even after 20 years... i think this will be a bittersweet birthday. maybe i'm having a quarter-life crisis -_-'
God i know You know what You're doing. I just wish I did too... but then I wouldn't be here and You wouldn't be all the way up there. God I gotta admit, I defend Your name for You wayyy too much. probably because deep down i feel like it'll hurt my reputation too. the times i should pray for others but don't, really, it's because if their prayers aren't answered, then maybe i'm not spiritual enough. see how in all things I try to steal Your glory?!? what a wretch i am... I'm so lost, so unmotivated, so full of despair when looking at myself.
Trust Me. Wait on Me. Look to Me. It's about Me, not you. For My glory, not yours.
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