YESSS i figured out how to make it English.

awesomeness!!!

sometimes i feel like i could live this entire life without talking to anyone. i swear i'm growing more introverted everyday. other people make life so MESSY.

doubts, questions, apathy, falling again and again. through it all You shine... what a mystery. don't You get tired of it? I am... when am I ever going to be okay with where I am and what You've decided for me? when am I ever going to learn that I'm supposed to keeping my eyes on You, instead of constantly comparing myself with others? why can't I be CAPTIVATED?

this pride amazes me... never fails to surprise me with what it can do to my life...

Daddy, I need to be in your lap again. I forgot what that feels like.

flip. i need to just let You be You and me be me. what a control-freak i am.

lately, been thinkin a lot about verses that tell me to wait on him, put your hope in Him, argh. patience isn't my strong point. i just want this to be FINISHED. the journey is where you learn the most but ahhh the journey hurts. and frustrates me. and i can't see what's ahead, only what's behind.

stole this from tiff wong b/c it's how i feel:

this is the waiting period in life.
i've never had to wait so long
and i'm not even sure what i'm waiting for
but i'm still waiting cause there's nothing else to do but wait.

ppl here live for each day, and only each day. lives are so empty, work, go party, work, go party. so meaningless... who will go?

Update with pictures and vids :)

soooo they actually exist... dog meat soup. but they apparently have been taken off all the official restaurants like this one that foreigners may go to.
these scorpions were MOVING. they fry it though before you eat it... but still!!! nasty...
they fry starfish tooo!!!!

Chinese-style Golden Arches
REAL PEKING DUCK!!
hamburgers-chinese style
my canto/spanish/english buddy shuyu :)
clubbin for the first time with the roomie!! girls at babyface #2 :)

i love my roommieee, alicee :)
overlooking beijing with canto buds :)
roomie driving at hou hai
bird's nest with courtney and rita on the side :P
hahaha soo cutee!!


so there was an awesomee zipline at the end of the 2 hr great wall hike and i recorded myself; best part of the great wall trip by farrr :D



mmm YUP there's lots more pictures and they'll be coming soon. inner mongolia tonight!!!!! laoshe tea house!!! sooo crazy cool hand puppets..

much love,
b3rn

learning Chinese and other things.

just finished talking to ms. chai-lai, whose mind solely operates in english now after spending a year in berkeley and endless studies in english. that's my goal: for my mind to work in Chinese.

sometimes it seems so far away though, locals still can't understand me and i can barely have a conversation with anyone. i've been telling everyone that i feel like my english has deteriorated while my chinese hasn't improved at all, except my ability to listen to chinese. not that i should be complaining since i'm spending time right now blogging in english instead of practicing my chinese with someone...

Godwhereareyounow. i hate this "i have no G-spot" excuse, this passionless relationship, where i feel like we're on a flattttt plane and there are no mountains and valleys. i'd rather be going down b/c at least then i'm going somewhere... where are You now? i know i'm not supposed to compare myself with others, but God look at _______, ______, and ____!!! their love is so much greater, passion so much stronger, obedience so much... more obedient. i know... i feel like it'd be so easy to make "life more exciting" or whatever, just be obediant to whatever You're saying but #1 still suck at hearing your voice #2 fear of man still soo flippin big... oh God............. i feel like such a hopeless case.... haha. even now... after all you've done, spoken, whispered to me. why doesn't this love move me? shouldn't it be life-transforming? why this apathy? i don't have right answers anymore, even the "right ones" seem shallow to me, seem like excuses to me. i need some flippin' persecution or something?

this is how i feel. this is how i really feel. for most of the time. how can i share about an abundant life when i don't even know what that means in my own life? what hypocrisy! even after 20 years... i think this will be a bittersweet birthday. maybe i'm having a quarter-life crisis -_-'

God i know You know what You're doing. I just wish I did too... but then I wouldn't be here and You wouldn't be all the way up there. God I gotta admit, I defend Your name for You wayyy too much. probably because deep down i feel like it'll hurt my reputation too. the times i should pray for others but don't, really, it's because if their prayers aren't answered, then maybe i'm not spiritual enough. see how in all things I try to steal Your glory?!? what a wretch i am... I'm so lost, so unmotivated, so full of despair when looking at myself.

Trust Me. Wait on Me. Look to Me. It's about Me, not you. For My glory, not yours.

真糟糕!!!

twilight by stephenie meyer. good fast read. total chickflick book. and it's gonna be a MOVIEEE. with a good-lookin guy.

i have so much time here in beijing. that's probably because i'm not studying as much as i should and i'm being a total loner. college has introverted me much.

reading the bro's blog; came across this passage that hit me so much with its honesty that i shed some tears. still wrestling with why this impacted me so:

if you could talk to jesus about one thing...

what would it be?

Am I a fraud?

Or are you pleased with me? If you are, can I hear you say it?

天父啊。